Boo doo-doo woo doo-doo. No bullshit aside,
I know it’s our song now, but it is one of the best songs to be angry
in your car alone with. Oh, yeah. It’s a real after-work
steering wheel puncher. Yeah, fuck you, Jenson.
I’m not coming early in. What? Fuck you
and those reports. Oh, what?
My reports are gonna be late! Oh, yeah, no, I did fill up
the coffee, Janice. I did. I know you didn’t. I also know that you fucking
cheated on your husband at the Christmas party.
Fucking, come on, rage! I see you taking home
coffee filters. I see you! I fucking see you taking home coffee filters. And I fucking buy dumb shit
out of your kid’s catalog, every fucking time you bring it. I don’t need corncob holders. Corncob holders? Why do I need corncob holders? Corncob I’m helping your stupid fucking
kid get a basketball uniform. The only thing worth the shit in
that’s those green fudge frogs. Hey everyone, it’s Bonfire,
coming to your radio, Sirius XM 95. Mm-hmm We’re live on a Wednesday, here
in a freezing cold New York. Love it. I love it. You just said what you love
most out of the- by the way, if we had a call screen,
I would say great caller topic. Call in and tell us what you’ve
ordered out of that kids thing. Me and Christine
got magazine subscriptions that we never received. Fucking magazine subscription!
you gotta go chocolates. -Yeah
-it’s the only good thing. Yeah, but I don’t know- ‘Cause when this is off-
… I see an apple slicer,
and I’m like, when else am I gonna be in a position
to impulse buy this? It’s off brand
delicious chocolates. It’s the fucking curve balls of- Very off brand. ‘Cause you get
those fudge frogs. I’m telling you right now-
They’re store brand. I mean, you’re getting
the key foods Write in to the Bonfire,
if your kid has a catalog, I promise, depending on how- I’m confident not that
many people write in, but if your kid
has one of those catalogs with those fudge frogs in
it write in- But I bet we get a shitload
of catalogs, right now. Do it. The first- Everyone’s trying to move. The first five people I will buy
fudge frogs off your kid. -Yeah?
-Love ’em. -You love ’em?
-Love ’em. The green ones? You don’t go peanut butter cups,
or anything like that. Hell yeah, I do. But fudge frogs are your shit. I’m leading with fudge frogs,
in the catalog. I don’t think I know what the
fudge frogs are, what are they? They’re the little green,
when we get the screens up- They’re green? Yeah, they’re like, green fudge. One of the waitresses
from the Cellar always- she used to bring these
to Saint Louis. Saint Louis? When Melissa would
bring the catalog, I’d always get those. I wouldn’t. I would get
a magazine subscription that would never show up
to my house. Well, cool, you’re an idiot. I had delicious fudge frogs.
I was getting ripped, taking down trays
of fudge frogs. I’m gonna scratch her face off when I see her.
Where’s my Rolling Stone? Oh, man, yeah. Oh, here
we go You know what it was, I’ll tell you what it was,
actually. They give you like a voucher, that we just never even
thought twice about really. Oh, so you have to do-
you still have to do the work. You have to do some work.
No, fuck that. Yeah, so you have a voucher,
for a year. They’re green fudge frogs,
let’s find the name of ’em, ’cause I am high enough
that I might order some online. right know. Are they mint? Yeah, they’re kind of minty. Yeah, that’s why
I had- Yeah, yeah, yes! Mint,
fudge-filled frogs. They’re- by the way, dude,
those are Andes Candies. Just for the record. You’re an Andy Candy.
I’ll buy you Andes candies. You’ll think
I’m treating you too good. Yeah, you will. Yeah.
Oh man. That’s how I keep a bitch
in line. Aw, you’re gonna be
Deandre-ing me. You’ll see,
from the Lost Tapes. You’ll see who Deandre is,
new character. It’s so hard when we do
a Lost Tapes that’s so fun, to not bring it up
on the live show on Wednesday. Terminator time line. Yeah, it’s total Terminator
time line, we finished the episode. Yeah man, if you’ve got a kid
that’s got catalogs, and they got some mint fudge
fro- mint, fudge filled frogs- Mint fudge frogs, huh? I don’t know why.
I don’t know why. They’re my favorite. The animal ones, all the animal
fudge ones, I like it. I don’t know. Whoever is laughing,
I’ll fight you. I’ll fight everyone
in this goddamn room. It’s Becky. It was a ridiculous
thing you just said. Well, you know what, Becky- That’s not her fault, at all.
It is her fault. I feel judged. There’s one review-
Christine, can we see
the one review, of this item? It’s just me.
It says “Dan Soder.” He goes, I don’t know
what it is, but these little mint
chocolate frogs … “Amazing,” you’re goddamn
right it was amazing. “Yes, I would recommend
to a friend.” Of course, you would.
100 percent. “I would recommend to a friend.” Oh, the holiday collection Here’s the thing,
though, Christine, I don’t wanna take money
out of- dude, I’ll get chocolate
covered pretzels. I go nuts on these catalogs. Chocolate covered pretzels. Now, if you get an artisan
chocolate covered pretzel- That’s what I’m talking about. I mean, next level when they
put, like, sea salt- Oh, well you’re just- -and caramel and chocolate and
stuff on it. -you’re just hipster now. That’s not hipster. That’s a
good chocolate covered pretzel. Or, also, just go get
Flips, from the store! Yeah, Flips is the mainstream-
why don’t we have people- why don’t you and I go through
a couple people’s catalogs and just order candy for us and the crew
out of listener’s kids’ catalogs? Because, they’re sexually
harassing Jacob at work right now. Dude, look at you, Jacob. Touchin’ his butt.
Look at- I definitely have my finger
in his butt crack. I definitely have my finger
in his butt crack! This can definitely get us
kicked off-a air. We are in dangerous territory
right now! Jacob, look at me,
do you I’m touchin’ his butt hole! Jacob, do you feel
uncomfortable? A little… Then Jay- I will have your head, Jacob!
I’ll have your job! You wanna keep working here
at Sirius, do ya? Let me do it! I just give back rubs. Let me get in the action! Yeah, hey Jacob,
what if I told you I like it when Jay touches you? Lou, this is the stuff
you can’t do when you go into
your inclusion class this week. Lou, let me show you
a couple-a “don’t”s … Now, radio … Yeah, you’re full haunched. … as a business-
oh, I’m wearing sweatpants, too. It’s touching! It’s alright, Jacob.
I got these. It’s touching the material. I got these slate jeans
on that fit just right. But they’re so, oh-so fun to piss off. Man, these mi- frogs- these mint, fudge-filled frogs,
it’s like burglary. I can’t even say it. You’re making your mouth water. Yeah, I do. I’m going nuts. They are generic- -What?
-shit candy! Fuck you! Fuck you! -They are.
-Fuck you! They’re shit! Look at the ratio
of mint to chocolate! I know, it’s so- You guys must be
eating frog mints! When I bite into it,
I feel like I’m luging I’m in the alps. Oh, whenever I bite into a mint,
fudge frog-filled, filled-fuck … shit. Twelve dollars, I bet you get
ten of th- it’s like- You get twenty-four. By the way, you get charged-
you know the number? Nah, I don’t know the number. You get charged …
minibar prices in those things. Cool, bring it. You think you’re gettin’ a deal.
You’re not. What do the kids get?
What do the kids get? I’m doin’ this for the kids! Nothin’. All I learned
by these It’s a pretty low percentage
of the profits you get to keep for any sorta
fundraising, actually. Yeah, bring it. Yeah, all I learned
from these things- I stand by my word. is that I think
chocolate-covered cherries are fucking gross. Yeah, they are gross.
And the first time I ate- That’s all I found out. The first time I ate it,
did you ever, when you were really little,
at your elementary school- well, I don’t know
if yours did this, but mine, around Christmas,
they’d be like- Is this a lot? Is this me, too? Oh, Jacob, what ya doin’ there? Is this me, too, here? You guys are just buddies,
palin’ around. Is this me, too? It’s fine. I mean, that was nice. I guess. He goes, “now, how ’bout here?
Do you trust me?” Jacob’s Jacob, I want you to trust me. Jacob’s coming out of this like a scarred Abercrombie
and Fitch model. “He told me he would
put me on the bag if I put his bag
in my mouth.” You can’t break Jacob’s stride today.
We’re all comin’- Aw, dude, he’s all jacked. We’re all comin’
to NASCAR Sunday. We’re comin’ over to Jacob’s.
It’ll be me Whitzke, me,
is Black Lou comin’? Black Lou’s sick today,
so he’s out. He’s not coming. He’s not comin’ on Sunday.
He’s got, uh- Oh, he’s got a friends-giving. Yeah, friends-giving. But we’ll all be there, Jacob! That coffee cake is about
to get the shit ate out of it. Yeah, I’m bringing back
Wawa stuff. Oh, you got Wawa! You better hope to God
I don’t order- I don’t rock a mint,
fudge-filled frog order in Winnipeg. Sorry, guys, I’m too full on- Guys, I think I got sick from
the green dye and the frogs. It turns out
the outside’s chalk. It’s chal- I was eating stuff
that you could write with. That’s a low-quality candy, Dan. Okay, well,
you hurt my feelings. It really is. But, you don’t like mint
chocolate at all. I would think those are
delicious and really exciting, but you don’t like
mint chocolate. She just piled on. Let her talk. Nothing she says
makes any sense. She said because you don’t
like mint chocolate! I mean, mint chocolate chips, literally one of
my favorite ice creams! God, I knew I loved you. I- wh- like, what? You ever had Mediterranean mint? Hang on, I’m gonna throw
a hot chocolate on her. Is that bad? Yeah! Lou, did you go
to your training yet? Is this bad yet? I didn’t go so go ahead. All bets are off! You’re back in the game, Lou, and you haven’t gone
to sensitivity training yet? No, tomorrow. Oh, that’s when they fuckin’
put you in the … it’s back. Lay back, we’re gonna
plug you into the Matrix, the woke Matrix. You’re gonna be so woke, Lou. Wake him up! I can’t.
Jacob, you went already, right? “I teach it.” You already went to sensitivity-
“Yes, I ran it.” I know how to act.
I know how to behave. You do now! Yeah, you do.
Jay set you straight. “Uh oh, I think I dropped
my papers, again!” Jacob, stop it. Can you stop it,
Jacob? I’m the only guy
who could fuck this girl. Everyone’s a fuckin’ (bleep) I mean, Christine had-a
pepper spray him six times in the first year.
It was a lot! It was a lot. But he learned! He does learn. It was a lot. He does learn, though.
And that’s what’s good. Lou, I’m gonna miss you.
I’m gonna miss old Mets-hat, gettin’ half-cocked
on a show Whitzke Yeah, they don’t test you
to find out if you can’t possibly abide by
these rules and fire you, right? No, everybody had
to go through it- You can go fake it enough
and then, get through it. Hell, yeah. But you don’t have to answer
questions to get a score, right? You don’t wanna find out
that you’re like a C in sexual harassing. Yeah You’re a D at racism
or something. He goes, “but B plus
at sharing workspaces.” Yeah, I am very good
at sharing workspaces. There’s exercises and stuff
I think you get scored- Good exercise. Do you have to hold hands with
a black person for five minutes? Is it like
the Coast Guard training where you have to tread water? Can you take notes of the things
they make you do? Oh, totally. Yes, and then,
we can do ’em on the show. Well, Jacob knows!
I wanna know what he’s in for. My best friend is a black guy! Jacob’s taking bets right now. Jacob’s going,
“okay, how are you doing? Fudge frogs? Yeah, I got that
at plus three and a half.” You wanna parlay it? “Alright, so Stealers, are you
gonna go money line? Fantastic!” I go, “I think Jacob’s
running a bookie fucking gig out of our studio.” Bet- alright,
you’ve reached Bet Tot, alright- Bet Tot! Give me the best prices
on the internet. You want the Timberwolves
to cover? Ah, you’re a bettin’ man, huh? Alright, so it’s 150 to win 100,
you’re cool with that? There is no vig.
I’m not gonna cut you in on it. Three team parlay, someone’s
stepping up with some nuts … Any calls about me buying fudge
-filled frogs out of catalogs? You told ’em to email you
the catalog, in fairness. I didn’t say email me it.
I said “reach out.” No, man, I think you said email. -You said “write.”
-I said write? Now, you want
a hand-written note. And send me the catalog
with a self-addressed a self-addressed,
stamped envelope, and we will mail it back to- Or that thing ain’t comin’ back.
It will be filled out. You want to live here?
You wanna live here? I’ll keep my money, and you’ll
keep your stupid mint bears. And I’ll poop looking
at your catalog for the next three months. I feel like the boy in you
just wants to eat little frogs. I do, goddamn right. I think you like the shape!
I think you think an Andes Candies is an old-timey
like owning a Buick or something. I love it. You know why? ‘Cause I was never allowed
to buy the candies when I was a kid. -Ever?
-Ever. So do you hate old people candy? Yeah.
One of my least favorite- I like Worther’s originals
like a mother fucker. How about the caramel
that had a bard of cream in the middle of it? Oh, that was gross. What is that cream? Did your dentist used
to hang out- my dentist would hand out candy
which just seems- it feeds itself.
It’s smart. That’s how it starts. Yeah, but the strawberries that
are in the strawberry thing, it’s like a lozenge,
but then, it’s chewy. -Yeah.
-Those are the best! I love those. Really? Love ’em, fucking love ’em! They turn into little pieces
of glass in your mouth, though. I know! It’s so It’s little glass shards! The candy is wrapped
in a picture of what the candy’s
gonna be like. Yeah, it’s a strawberry. You like those? Love ’em! Those are real waitin’
for your grandma to finish visiting
with your aunt- -Yeah.
-candy. Yeah, it’s dentist office shit. I like an Andes Candy. Yeah, those! I like an Andes Candy-
oh, those are gross. What are those called? The Strawberry Candies. Strawberry Candies. I mean, what else
could you possibly call that? I love ’em. And you could probably
buy 40,000 for a dollar. You own the company
if you buy ten dollars worth! You definitely own half of it
if you spend ten bucks! Yeah. You
but the best- Four dollars for a pound! A pound of those
soulless candies? Stop saying soulless
’cause they’re not soulless ’cause they’re-
at first Dude, they’re almost hollow!
The pound- dude, there’s gonna be-
you don’t have enough room! It’s chewy on the inside. You’d have to kick out Bye, Mike. Bye, bitch! Bye, bitch! Bye, bitch.
Bye, bitch. Bye, bitch. Strawberry candy-
Strawberry! -for my-
Hard. -roommate! Hi, bitch. Hard!
Bye, bitch! Chewy. Bye, bitch. Bye, bitch. Yeah, dude, I’ll fuckin’
buy the shit outta- Aw, they look so unappetizing. Man, you really like
gross-looking shit. Hey, man … Yeah, I’m not lying.
Don’t you like a macaroon? What are you? How is your favorite thing not
like a macaroon or something? Do you just like
saying macaroon? It’s a great word! Macaroon. You know you love macaroons. I don’t like macaroons. Come on, why, you not like
coconut anymore? Are you still a child? Do you think olives are gross
and coconut’s bad? No, I love coconut. Olives are gross,
but I love Mounds. No olives you like? I don’t like any olives? Would you try some olives for me
to prove you’re an adult? Because I, also-
I’ve tried it! -I never liked olives.
-Okay. But there’s some olives, dude,
you can d- like a black olive. Just a straight, black olive is- No, no, no, no, no, no, no-
-gross. With these on pizza- Yeah, I hate it. -with Kalamala olives …
Kalamata? Kalamata. Fuckin’-
I’ll tell you this- You could eat a jar of those. I’ll tell you this.
How about this? Jay Oakerson, this Sunday,
at why don’t you bring over
some olives, and I’ll try ’em. You get a good feta-stuffed
green? Yeah. I’ve never been there,
but I’m willing to go. I’m talkin’ about
eatin’ olives, yeah. Pit or no pit, I’m here for it. Dan, am I being “me too”‘d
right now? Is this me, too? No. Oh, now, you don’t like it
because you can’t harass Jacob. What’s happening? This is what happens
when your power is taken away. This is what happens
when the patriarchy crumbles. -I feel defenseless.
-Good. And I feel … Good. Um-
Good. No one’s writing in.
No one’s writing in about the- Man, you really want
these things, Dan. I’m sure you could get ’em.
They’re- I’m gonna pull the trigger. That was a line.
We could order online. They were twelve dollars. I know, but I wanna
help someone out. For twenty-four bite-sized
candies. You’re overspending money
on that. Maybe, I’ll be out on the range
at Red Dead Redemption, eatin’ some fredge fogs-
fudge frogs. Of course, I wish
that game hit me in any level
that it’s hit you on. -I love it.
-I know. It’s just- I can’t- You gotta get into it! Dude, I’m so busy. So are you, how do you also live
a full cowboy’s life? I don’t sleep, dude.
I sleep on the range. I’ll sleep when I’m dead! I sleep when I Thank you so much, man. Yeah.
I appreciate it. I hope you’re reporting that
“me too” we had just now. No, dude. That molesting moment
you just did to me, I’m gonna let that go because
you fixed everything fine. Well, in his defense,
we have it on camera, so, counter sue, buddy. Next time, work both nips.
You gotta even out, man. Sorry, you’re right Get the tapes. Get the tapes right now. We got the tapes.
Erase everything you saw. We’re gonna take this case
all the way to the top. Christine, do a rape kit on me. Do it, now. We’ll take him down and all
of his engineering buddies. We’ll run this place. Dude, rape kit me.
I’m trying to get another candy that I thought was just heinous
that I bet you like. Fuck you! My grandfather used to have
Mary Janes, but I mean, I couldn’t think of
any other reason to eat those than you’re gonna
take your teeth out. What about those root
beer barrels? Those hard candy
root beer barrels? I’m okay with the root
beer barrel. Didn’t hate it
but I didn’t love it. Do you remember Mary Janes? I don’t even know
what those are. I mean, they are- it’s supposed
to be like taffy consistency, but it’s the hardest- Did you like Now And Laters? No, it’s like a Now and Later! I didn’t like
Now and Laters either. -Because, yeah-
-Oh, I love these! four dollars a pound! Hell, yeah! I remember these. Dude, there’s no way you’re
not gonna lose it a tooth. You get a crown, dude,
it’s comin’ out. Oh, I loved Mary Janes!
Yeah, hell, yeah! If you have any dental work- Do you like Sugar Babies? -it’s coming out! Did you like Sugar Babies? Love Sugar Babies.
Milk Duds? But I’ll tell you what,
I like Sugar Babies, but I like
a Sugar Daddy. I like a Sugar Daddy, too. I’ll live it on the stick.
I don’t give a shit. Yeah, I’ll put it
on the side of my mouth. I’ll tell you what different
times of the year its overrated on Halloween,
but the rest of the year, I think is a little underrated,
is a Tootsie Roll. Oh, yeah. But they give it out too much on
Halloween, and you’re over it. Oh, Girl Scout Samoas, Garth
or something tweeting at it. Yeah, dude, fuck mint,
fudge-filled frogs for No, Garth, you’re right. Fuck those mint-filled,
fudge frogs. They are insanely-
they’re cheap. It’s shitty. No, I’m not- listen, we can live
in a world with Samoas and fudge- -Do you love Samoas?
-Love ’em! Do you love ’em?
Love ’em! Then you love macaroons! I don’t know
if I can keep doing this show if the guy’s gonna look me right
in the face and tell me lies. I don’t like macaroons.
I love you to death. I thought macaroons- I wanna be with you the rest
of my life, but we need honesty. I think, honestly, I don’t know
what macaroons are. You know what?
There’s two kinds of macaroons. Well, I mean, then what’s
all this slander online? In fairness- baby,
you know I ca- No, I wanna call Dr.Phil. I’m gonna change, though! I’mma key your car!
I’m outta my mind! I’m outta my mind! Tag-Alongs and Samoas
are the two best. But there’s two kinds
of macaroons. The one I’m talking about- I’m talking about
the Girl Scout cookies. Yeah those are- No! Those ones I hate! Those ones look grotesque to me.
I don’t even know what that is. That’s what I thought
a macaroon was. That’s why you’re yelling at me. But look at what I mean
a macaroon is. Man, you’re a macaroon. Christine might masturbate
to this picture. I’ve made her really
grow to love ma- well’d you always
love macaroons? No, I hate coconut. Oh, I’ve had
chocolate-covered macaroons! Yes!
They’re great! Those are what’s up. I didn’t know those
were macaroons. I’m dumb. Yeah. Oh, there, show ’em
the picture of the chocolate ones.
All the way on the left. -Oh, yeah!
-I mean that’s- Yeah.
Just the best. Yeah! But that’s a taste, also,
when I was younger- I don’t like the circular,
small sandwich ones. No, I don’t even know
what that is. But, I’ve seen ’em, I just don’t know what they
even taste like or anything. But that’s a flavor though, too,
when I was young, hated coconut. Yeah! The idea of coconut- the only
one that hasn’t changed for me, the two flavors
that haven’t changed that I just can’t stomach at all
is coffee, black licorice. You don’t like coffee? No, the flavor alo- can you do
an impression of what I do when I get a little coffee
in my mouth by accident? … No, no I go- Oh, that’s great!
Watching you eat mushrooms at Bonnaroo was funny
because you were like- Same thing, I hate it.
I hate it, so I’ll tear sometimes, I tear
up. It’s so funny ’cause I’m
the opposite where I’m like- Me too!
Gone, it’s gone. So is Christine! She eats
them like they’re she eats them
like they’re good! It’s like we’re eating stuff
we found in tire treads. When I started doing
mushrooms in high school, and I went to college- I gag thinking about
how awful that is, man. But people are like oh-
God damn. -I like to take a bagel
and put peanut butter then I put the mushrooms
on it then I’m like just
fucking eat the mushrooms. Oh, yeah, don’t be a child. Just fucking chew ’em up,
have a soda, knock ’em back. Go shake hands with God. G-man in Virginia says
ribbon candy was like a old-
what was Ribbon Candy? I’ve had that, I mean,
those are- That’s like Fruit
By The Foot, right? Yeah.
Basically, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fruit By The Foot is the shit. G-man, is that what you mean?
Like Fruit By The Foot? Well, that’s gum isn’t it? No, it’s a hard candy. Oh! Oh, a hard candy
called Ribbon Candy? Hard candy called Ribbon- Candy It’s the most disgustingest
shit my grandma used to keep year-round
on her coffee table. Aw, man, I mean, I think
we’re all in agreement the best grandma candy
was Worther’s originals. Those butterscotch things- I’ll tell you what, anything
butterscotch, I’m on board. Butterscotch is just fucking
fan- good job, butterscotch. Good job. Good job Tastykake for recognizing
making their flagship cake the butterscotch crumpet. That’s such a hard knowledge
of Tastykake! I know Entenmann’s. I am from
the school of Entenmann’s. What’s Entenmann’s
flagship thing? We all know. Yeah. Come on, what is it?
Say it with me if you know. -Powdered donut.
-Coffee cake? Powdered donut is
the quintessential Entenmann’s? It’s the chocolate donut! Yeah, with the yellow cake
on the inside. With the yellow on the inside! Yeah, yellow cake,
chocolate donut. I mean,
I’m a powdered donut guy. I’m Sunni.
You’re Shiite. It’s alright. I’m not saying that
butterscotch crumpets are my favorite
Tastykake, even. I’m just saying
that’s their flagship thing. It’s the most unique thing
of their original- Hostess is- what?- the cupcakes
with swirls and the Twinkies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. HoHos?
Hostess is HoHos, also. I mean, Little Debbie you got
the Swiss Rolls, man this is- I’d go HoHo over a Swiss Roll,
every day of the week. -Really?
-Every day of the week. I’d go Swiss Roll!
I’m team Swiss Roll over here. I love a Swiss Roll.
That was one of the only- man, my mom loaded up on snacks.
We had a good snack cabinet; Fruit By The Foot,
Gushers, Swiss Rolls. Hell, yeah. They couldn’t
do that in my house. I had a problem
with all those things. I was like to have it
for lunch and dinner. Oh, yeah. You were busy being athletic. Oh, I wasn’t athletic at all. I was busy fucking smoking butts
and playing with wrestling toys. I was eating while doing voices
for my G.I. Joes. Oh, I was outside ripping out
Marlboro going, “I think I’m gonna
have papa Shaun go Undertaker.” I wonder what my guys
are doin’ right now. You think my guys are beat up? That was a pretty wicked
Royal Rumble.