– What’s this guy
in for again? – One account of vandalism. Perp says it ain’t him. – (chuckles) Yeah, that’s
what they always say. – Well, you know the drill– we’ll get him with that ol’
good cop bad cop– that should get him talking. – The ol’ good cop bad cop.
Got it. – Oh boy, cops. (scoffs) I already told you guys
everything I know. – Alright buddy, look,
here’s the situation. OK? I don’t want to
keep you here any longer than we need to,
so if you just tell me it was you,
we can cut you a deal. I mean look, you don’t seem
like that bad of a guy– (glass shattering,
3 gunshots) – Sweet Jesus! – Come on kid, we’re busting
you outta this joint! – You shot him! Holy shit! ♪ (intense music plays
with gunshots) ♪ This can’t be happening! All I did
was spray paint a wall! It was just a wall! (intense music stops) – Gravy Boat,
this is Baby Biscuit. The ham is in the sandwich. Repeat,
the ham is in the sandwich. – Roger that, we got him.
– Wait, what? – Fantastic work, Brown.
We got him. – Looks like by the end
of the night, the only thing that’s gonna
be being vandalized… …will be his
personal space! (cops chuckle) (4 gunshots followed by
hysterical laughter) ♪ (outro plays) ♪ ♪ (quiet music plays) ♪ ♪ (jukebox music plays) ♪ – Ah, I hate this song.
The drinks here are too expensive.
Why do I even come here? – ‘Cause I brought you here. – (scoffs) Yeah, I know that,
because I’m a brain. – And I am a body. – (scoffs) Yeah,
I know that too. I–ooh. Speaking of bodies,
here comes one now. Quick, look cool! (footsteps, short pause,
then footsteps again) – How did I do?
Did you like that? – That was, uh, fine.
You did fine. It doesn’t matter.
She’s not my type anyway. Enough with the pose. (beer spilling) (scoffs) Nice one.
– Thanks. What would you
like to do now? – Uh, I wanna sit here
and think sad things. – You wanna dance? – No.
You’re not good at that. – Do you want to play pool? – You’re not good
at that either. – Come on, cheer up.
How about this? Look at this.
That’s cool, huh? You like that?
(multiple cups shatter) – Uh, closing time!
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey
and beer, and get the fuck
outta here! – We should go
home instead. – No, another one.
– Okay. – (drinking) – Whoa. Who taught
you how to walk? – It wasn’t this
difficult earlier. – (slams against door)
– (grunts) Almost got it… (straining)
– Here. Let me do it. (glass shatters) All right, all right.
Now we’re getting somewhere. Wait, why are we stopping? (thud!) Come on.
Let’s go home. – Sshh. Sleep. – No, we gotta go home. Brain, we gotta go home. We really gotta go home.
Brain? Brain! Brain! Brain! (stomach gurgling
followed by a fart) – Hello!
– Uh oh… – Is there poop
in your pants?! – Evening, fellas!
– Who invited him?! – It’s not my fault.
He let himself in. – This is embarrassing.
– Hey, is this a bad time? I invited some friends
that should be over any– – That’s it. This is bad.
We gotta go. – Urgh, I can’t do this.
This is a new low for us. – I wanted to hang out
with you guys hours ago. It’s not my fault. – Get to know each other,
you two. It’s going to be
a long drive home. – Wait, you’re driving? I don’t think that’s
a good idea. – Yeah. Uh, maybe you should listen
to your poop, man. – I can’t hear you. I’m still thinking
about sad stuff. – I can’t do this!
I can’t do this! – (scoffs) You’re fine. Hell, you’re even
better at this drunk. – No, I can’t!
I can’t do this! Don’t do this!
– He’s gonna do it! (car engine turns over,
tires screech) – We shouldn’t be doing this. – Just relax
and take the wheel while I take a quick nap. (birds chirping) ♪ (happy music plays) ♪ (truck runs over butterfly) Uhh. I just had
the weirdest dream. Wait, are we driving?
Is there poop in your pants? (whoosh!) (car crashing) – Blegh.
– Hello! Are you okay?
Hello! – I’m great, thanks.
– Not you. Body! My body.
– Oh. He’s way dead. – Wait, if he’s dead,
that means I’m next! Oh no!
Well, looks like I’m off to go
meet my heavenly body. Here I go! Wheee! – I guess that
just leaves me. Well folks, I think we’ve
learned a valuable lesson about drinking
and driving–oh! Looks like my
friends are here. Thanks for joining
us tonight. This has been Poop. I’ll see you next time. ♪ (outro plays) ♪ – Alright, Ms. Henry, you should be completely
healed from your surgery. Are you ready to
remove the bandages and have a look
at your new face? – [muffled]
M-hmm! (bandages ripping, rustling) – Ah, yes.
You look perfect. Here,
see for yourself. (fart) ♪ (outro plays) ♪ (book thuds) – (grunts)
(paper whacking) (grunting, whacking) ♪ (dramatic music plays) ♪ – [softly]
A man… ♪ (dramatic music build-up) ♪ ♪ (outro plays) ♪ (footsteps,
door opens) – And this is my house. – Wow.
Nice place you got here. – It’s not much,
but it’s home. – So, uh, what’s with
all the newspapers? – Oh.
That’s for my dog Spunks. He has a bad habit
of pooping on the– – Huh. Natural gas prices
rose 3% last month. Makes you think. Looks like it’s gonna
rain on Thursday. Friday too. ♪ (outro plays) ♪ ♪ (quiet Muzak plays) ♪ (carts whirring) (both grunting) – (groans)
(cart bumps into other cart) (chuckles)
– (groans angrily) (grunts)
(cart whirring) – Uhh… (cart beeping) ♪ (outro plays) ♪ – Wow. I wonder how
many stars are up there. Must be a whole bunch. – Yeah, Jimmy.
There’s a whole bunch. – (sighs) You’re a real
special gal, Suzie. I–hey, look, a shootin’ star! Make a wish!
– Okay. – You wanna hear my wish?
You wanna hear my wish? – Uh, sure. – I wish we could be
together forever, ’cause you’re my
number one Suzy. Wait, who’s driving the car?
(whoosh!) Oh man, oh man,
what do we do, Suzy?! Uh, uh…
– Wait, Jimmy? – …maybe I could reach my
hand through the window, and, uh,
grab the steering wheel? – Jimmy!
– What, what? – I think I want us to
just be friends. I just feel like
we’re moving too fast. (whoosh!) – Wait, what?! What, are
you breaking up with me?! – I just don’t think
we’re very compatible. – Uh,
I can be compatible! Just tell me
what I’m doing wrong. – Well, you’re clingy,
you’re annoying, you talk too much,
and you’re kind of a wimp. (car clatters) – Uh, can we get
back to the whole “we’re gonna die”
thing real quick? – And you always
change the subject too! Face it, Jimmy! We’re just
not good for each other. ♪ (sad music plays) ♪ (car crashes in slow motion) (car clatters) – What, is–
is there another guy? – What?! No! – Is it him? (motorcycle whirring) – ‘Sup?
(tires screech) – What, Chad?
Ew, no way! – Aww.
(motorcycle drives away) – I just don’t know
how to make this more clear, Jimmy. I don’t
wanna date you anymore. – I just wish that I wanna
solve the signs comin– (exclaiming) Come on, just give me
another–(exclaims) chance! – No, Jimmy! (crash!) ♪ (sad music plays) ♪ – (coughs) Suzy… …I lo–I love you…
(coughs) – I just don’t think
I’m–(coughs) ready…(gags)
for relationship… (motorcycle whirring) – Harsh.
(drives away) ♪ (outro plays) ♪ (waves splashing) ♪ (happy music plays) ♪ – (grunting) (bottle pops, splashes) ♪ (happy music continues) ♪ (footsteps)
– Hm? Hmm… ♪ (music plays) ♪
(gasps, runs away) ♪ (music continues, stops) ♪ – (muffled sneeze) (paper rustling) ♪ (outro plays) ♪ – ♪ (humming) ♪ Ooh! Ha ha! (straining) (concrete breaks) Mmm…mmm…uh… (screams abruptly) – Hey, are you okay?
– (screams abruptly) (train screeching) (train screeching) – (slurping) (train screeching)
– (continues screaming) (sobbing, screaming) And that’s how I lost all
this weight. (chuckles) – I don’t care!
(umbrella whooshes) ♪ (outro plays) ♪ ♪ (music plays) ♪ – Eh? – (gasps, groans angrily) – Eh-eh-eh. (easel whooshing) ♪ (outro plays) ♪ ♪ (romantic music plays) ♪ – Can you believe this
old ride looks the same after all these years? – I know. You’d think
they would’ve fixed that flickering light by now. (both chuckle)
– Yeah, yeah. – I’m really glad we came,
though. This is nice. – Yeah.
It’s reminding me why… …you know…why we got
together in the first place. – You know,
the tunnel’s coming up. – Ooh…
(both chuckle) – (kissing butt) Ergh, ergh! (spitting) What
the–(spitting and gagging) Howard!
I wanna divorce! – Me too! ♪ (outro plays) ♪ ♪ (party music plays) ♪ – Yeah,
only vodka for me. I only drink low-cal,
you know what I mean? Say, you should come over
and chillax some time, girl. You know, if you’re
lucky I’ll make you my famous quinoa tofu fro-yo. And for dessert,
we could listen to my Bolivian disco trans-final. Talkin’ forty-fives, girl. – (punches annoying man)
– Oh! What’re you do–(grunts) Oh, why?! Oof!
(whoosh!) – Oooh, so that’s what it
would be like to hit that guy. (whoosh!) – So that’s what it would
be like to go to a party. (whoosh!) – So that’s what it would
be like to have a sofa. (whoosh!) – [creakily] So that’s what it
would be like to be a man. (whoosh!) – Oooh, so that’s what it would
be like to be a curious snail. – [grunting] I don’t know
what you’re talking about! Captions by: Alex Porter