-Guys, I’m very thrilled
he’s here. Adam Sandler
is my guest tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] He stars in the new movie
“Uncut Gems,” and he’s already getting some Oscar buzz
for his performance. I’d love to see him
win an Oscar, ’cause if the orchestra
tries to cut off his speech, he’d be like…
[ Speaking gibberish ] [ Music plays ] “Shut up! Shut up!” You might see it. He’s actually phenomenal
in this movie, yeah. This is exciting. Earlier tonight, ABC aired
“The Little Mermaid Live.” [ Audience “Oohs” ] The production
started off at “Frozen,” but thanks to global warming,
they had to change it to “The Little Mermaid.”
[ Laughter ] Let’s get to some news. The “New York Times”
just did a big story about the President’s twitter,
and it found that Trump has sent over 2,000 tweets
where he bragged about himself. [ Laughter ] Americans are like,
“That’s ridiculous. Everybody knows Instagram is
where you brag about yourself.” [ Laughter ] The article also had
a pretty interesting tidbit. It said that President Trump
actually wears reading glasses, but he doesn’t
like to be seen in them. Can we see him in his glasses? Well, it’s a bit much.
I can see that. It’s a bit much,
it’s a bit much. I saw that Donald Trump Jr.’s
new book is out today. It is called
“Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate
and Wants to Silence Us.” [ Laughter ] If you go to Barnes & Noble, it can be found in the
Ignored Children section. [ Laughter ] I feel bad for Don Jr. Today, he walked
into the White House and said, “Dad, I have a new book,” and Trump was like, “Oh, no,
I lost my reading glasses.” [ Laughter ] ♪ She packed
my bag last night, pre-flight ♪ ♪ And I’m gonna be high ♪ Guys, did you see this?
At a recent dinner, President Trump
tried to say “Mike Pence,” but he had a little trouble
saying “Mike Pence.” Check this out. -Chuck Grassley was there
and Joni Ernst and — and John Thune
and Mike Pounds. [ Laughter ] -“Ah, you know,
Mike Pounds was there.” Mike Pounds.
Well, we noticed Trump has trouble pronouncing things
all the time, so with that in mind, it’s time
to play “Talk Like Trump.” [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ Talk Like Trump ♪ ♪ Talk Like Trump ♪ -Here’s how this works. I’m gonna see if anyone
can guess how the President is the going to mispronounce
a simple word. If you get it right,
you get a prize, and if you get it wrong,
you still get a prize. All right, raise your hand
if you want to play “Talk Like Trump.”
Who — yeah, yes. Come on, stand up, buddy. How you doing, pal?
What’s your name? -I’m Ryan.
-Ryan, welcome to the show. Our first clip, very simple. President Trump is gonna try
and say the word “fund.” How do you think
that he’ll mispronounce it? -“Foond.” [ Laughter ] “Foond.
Foond.” -That’s really good,
actually, yeah. All right.
Let’s see what happens. -Yet there are those
in Washington who would raid your healthcare
to frund free benefits. -Ah, “frund.”
To frund. Sorry, you’re wrong,
but you still get a T-shirt. Congratulations.
[ Sad trombone ] Sorry, you’re wrong.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you very much.
Who’s next? Who’s next? Who wants it?
Come on. Yeah, you there. It’s all right.
I’ll come to you. I’ll come to you.
How are you? -Good. How are you?
-What’s your name? -Chloe.
-Chloe, very good. Chloe, in this next clip, Trump
tries to say “walks of life.” -Okay. -How do you think
he says “walks of life”? -“Wax a laugh.”
-“Wax a laugh.” -Yeah.
-“Wax a laugh.” Let’s see what happens. -When evil showed
its hideous face, Americans of
all walks of lice… -Ah.
[ Buzzer ] The correct answer was —
“Walks of lice” was the — Here’s your custom
“walks of lice” T-shirt. There you go.
-Oh, thank you! -Thank you, Chloe. [ Cheers and applause ] Down here.
Who wants it? Yeah, get up.
-Hi! -How you doing, bud?
-Good. How are you? -What’s your name?
-Riley. -Riley, where you from?
-Oklahoma. -Hey, welcome.
All right, love it. In our final clip, Trump — Really?
That much for Oklahoma? I love that.
[ Laughter ] He tries to say “deserve.” Okay?
“Deserve.” How do you think he’ll pronounce
the word “deserve”? -“Dessert.”
[ Light laughter ] -It is Trump, yeah.
He likes food. So, yeah, dessert.
Let’s see what happened. That might be…
-You have never stopped working to improve this country
and you “derrer” a government. [ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ] -Wow. He bailed —
He bailed real quick. Wait. I’m sorry.
I gotta see that again. Dave, can you play that again? -You have never stopped working
to improve this country, and you “derrer” a government… [ Laughter ]
-There you go. Incorrect, but thank you
for playing. I appreciate it.
Nice to meet you. [ Cheers and applause ] Let’s get to some jokes here.
Let’s go. ♪♪ Some news about 2020. A new poll in Iowa shows
Elizabeth Warren in first, Bernie Sanders in second,
Pete Buttigieg in third, and Joe Biden in fourth. Of course, Iowa’s
a tough place for Biden. For starters, all the corn
is terrified of his teeth. [ Laughter ] Guys, November is here, and with Thanksgiving
right around the corner, people everywhere are… ♪♪ Hold up.
What’s– What’s that? What’s that?
I’m — Oh, right. ♪♪ Who are you? -♪ I’m a spooky spider ♪ ♪ I’m a Halloween fright ♪ ♪ With some safety tips ♪ ♪ This Halloween night ♪ ♪ Remember a flashlight ♪ ♪ Wear reflective clothes ♪ ♪ And only trick-or-treat
at the houses you know ♪ [ Laughs evilly ] Happy Halloween! [ Cheers and applause ] -Sorry, Spooky Spider,
Halloween was last week. Today is November 5th, so… -Ah…I see. W-Well, in that case… ♪ I’m a spooky spider ♪ ♪ I’m a political fright ♪ ♪ With some voting tips
this election night ♪ ♪ Beto O’Rourke looks like
he’s going to run ♪ -I’m sorry.
I’m gonna stop — I’m gonna stop you right there,
Spooky Spider. Not only did Beto
already announce he was running, he ran, and he just ended
his campaign like last week. -For real?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Oof. I am way off.
-Yeah. -What else? What else? The Nationals
may be headed to the playoffs. -Already —
That already happened. That already happened.
-“Hot Girl Summer’s” a thing. [ Laughter ]
-It’s November, it’s November. -I’ve got to figure out a better
calendar situation, here. What are we —
-You use a one-a-day calendar to keep track of what’s going on
in the world? -A “Far Side”
one-a-day calendar, yes. I like to start my day
with the gentle jabs and jests of cartoonist Gary Larson.
[ Chuckles ] But a few months ago,
I got one that was so funny, I couldn’t bring myself
to tear it off. Here, look.
There’s this family of cows, and they’re standing there
and — it speaks for itself. It’s sort of a thinker,
you know? -Yeah, I think it’s time for —
I think it’s time for you to go. [ Laughter ] -Delicious.
Well, in that case… ♪ I’m a spooky spider,
and that’s — ♪ -No, no, no!
You can go. Bye, take care.
Spooky spider, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Hey, check this out. I saw that the McDonald’s
Happy Meal was turning 40. [ Audience “Oohs” ] So now that it’s 40,
instead of being a Happy Meal, it’s more of a self-reflective,
“what does it all mean” meal. [ Laughter ] You guys, there’s a lot going on
in the news right now, but instead of me
just telling you about it, I thought it’d be nice
to give you the chance to decide what we talk about. That’s right — it’s time for
“You Pick the Joke.” -♪ You Pick the Joke ♪ ♪ You Pick the Joke ♪ -So here’s how it works.
I’m gonna show you two news stories,
then you guys get to pick about which one we talk about. Ready?
Here we go. Take a look at story number one. -President Trump names his new
head of Homeland Security. Chad Wolf will step into
Kevin McAleenan’s role as the new acting DHS secretary. -Okay.
Here’s story number two. -Two men are facing charges for trying to get
an alligator drunk. [ Laughter ] -All right, so which story
do you want to talk about — one or two? -Two! -That’s a good choice.
All right, here we go. That’s right —
two guys got arrested for giving beer to an alligator. They would’ve gotten away
with it if the gator didn’t run a red light
on his way home. All right, here we go. When asked for a comment, the
gator was like, “Dilly, dilly!” All right. Let’s do
another pair of stories. Once again,
you guys get to pick. Here’s story number one. -The number of jobs
created by the U.S. economy in the month of October
comes in at 128,000. That far outweighs
the analyst estimates. -All right.
[ Light laughter ] Here’s story number two. -Three alleged drug smugglers were rescued
from the Pacific Ocean. -After they were found using
their cocaine packs as floaties. [ Laughter ]
-Okay. All right, which story do you
want to talk about, one or two? -Two! -That is a great choice,
thank you. That’s right,
three drug smugglers were using cocaine as floaties.
It was crazy. The rescue helicopter
didn’t drop a rope. They just jumped up to it. [ Laughter ] All right.
Let’s do one last batch. It’s your choice.
Here is story number one. -The Pentagon picks
Microsoft over Amazon for a massive government
contract worth $10 billion. -[ Chuckles ]
Here’s story number two. -Police recovered a stolen ring
from a unique hiding spot. Turns out it was hidden
in one of the suspects’ butts. -All right.
[ Laughter ] Which story do you —
[ Laughter ] Which story do you want
to talk about, one or two? -Two! -Another great choice. That’s right,
a guy stole a $100,000 ring then hid it up his,
you know, butt. It got weird
when his colon was like, “Yes, yes,
a thousand times yes!” Guys, that was
“You Pick the Joke.”