– MAN: Mmm, oh yeah,
that’s good. That’s a very good
Christmas tree. – IAN: Shut up! – NARRATOR:
Previously on Food Battle… – [whispering] I feel like
we’re forgetting something. – I’m unemployed. – Oh my God,
we forgot Food Battle! (man screaming,
car crashing) – My new favorite food,
pink frosted sprinkled donut. – (screams) (dramatic music playing) – You can’t have the
same food as me! – Uh-uh-uh-uh!
Mine’s vegan. – (gasps)
Wait, what’s the difference? – Oh,
if you listen closely, you can hear the screams
of suffering animals. (faint cries of animals,
gun firing) – (While eating) So you wana do this or not? – Yeah. – Well if you think your
pink frosted sprinkled donut can do more everyday
tasks than my pink frosted sprinkled donut,
then you’re going down, dookie-brown!
(eating donut) (heavy metal music plays) – Let’s see your
stupid donut be… …the child you just
found out you had with your high school
girlfriend that you now have visitation rights with! – You’re just a
little baby donut? Yes you are.
(baby crying) It works.
(ding!) Okay, now Daddy
needs his peace and quiet. (window breaks,
cars crash) (alarms wailing, people
screaming, flames crackling) – REPORTER: Marine
biologist Emerson Dibley has discovered a new
breed of octopus, which has two more
tentacles than a normal octopus,
and is being called by specialists
in the field… – Uh, oh no!
– REPORTER: …a squid. – (gags) My baby boy! My baby boy–
(ding!) – Let’s do a… …clone–wait, a clone? – The hell kind of catalogue
have we been using? – Huh.
– Makes sense. – Okay, donut, time for you
to become my clone. (whoosh!) Whoa.
I look just like me. – I do.
(punches real Ian) (ding!) Oh, Anthony? I’m ready
for the Food Battles. (laughs sinisterly) – All right, donut,
double as my clone. (electricity zaps) – [weakly] Kill me… – (screams) (buzzer) Are you gonna choose
something or what? – Okay. – Are you okay? – It feel good to be Ian.
(real Ian yells, punches fake Ian) – Hooh, all right. Let’s do, um…
glue? – What? – Let’s do glue!
– Okay. – Okay, donut,
I need to find something to break so I can
put it back together. Oh, that’ll work. – No! Not my limited edition
finger telecaster deluxe signed by world-renowned
singer, song writer and very handsome man
Brendon Urie from the band
Panic! at the Dis– (heavy metal music plays,
guitar breaking) (heavy metal
music continues) – It worked!
(buzzer) – All right, donut,
please be the glue that holds my
family together. – Why are the dishes never
done when I get home? This place is a
God-damn pigsty! – My body is a pigsty because
you never satisfy me, sexually. – Oh, really…
– Please fix this, donut. – Oh, God damn it,
Anthony. Stop it. – Stop it.
– And I told you, I am tired from a long
day of work at the office, and, my penis
don’t work sometimes. – And that is why
I’m sleeping with Robert
from the Jeep! – Are you kidding me?
Robert? (distant arguing) – Oh well.
Guess I’m getting double Christmas
presents next year. (buzzer) Let’s do…
(scrunches paper) (dominoes clicking,
Ian and Anthony singing) (bucket clanking, ball rolling,
Ian and Anthony continue) (flames whooshing,
rope breaks) (both singing) A dabbing Harambe! – Okay! All right, donut, I know you
can be a dabbing Harambe. – Stop! (music plays) – IAN:
Meme police! – You’re under arrest
for referencing two outdated memes
multiple times! – Damn, Daniel!
What are those? Dat boi’s back at it again
with the white Vans. (suspenseful music
building up) – You’re free to Pokémon GO. (music plays)
– IAN: Meme police! Hah, it worked! (buzzer) (muffled grunting) That hurt. – Come on, donut,
I know you can be a– (buzzer) What? I didn’t even
get to say any– (buzzer)
Come on, I didn’t even– (buzzer)
What? (buzzer)
No, I– (buzzer) Let’s see your stupid
pink turd be a… – Christmas tree topper! (car crashes, people
screaming, alarm wailing) Come on, donut.
Let’s make this day magical. (heavy metal music plays) (boxes clattering)
Sh*t! (boxes clattering) (grunting) (screams)
(baubles clattering) (grunting) (panting) Hah!
(ding!) What’s the matter, man? Why aren’t you
making your donut be a Christmas
tree topper? You should’ve seen mine.
It was so close, like (imitates grunting) and then
I died and I freakin’ loved it. What’s wrong, man? – Ian, do you ever
think about… …getting older, and…
you know…changing? – Like…becoming a butterfly? ‘Cause I’m still
working on that. By the way, do you know
where I could buy a cocoon? – No. Why are we
still doing Food Battle? How many times
can one person die? – So far, nine. And then there’s that time
we swapped brains which kinda felt like
dying on the inside. – Okay, but seriously, do you still even
wanna do Food Battle? – (sighs) I don’t know.
I don’t know, man. – Yeah…
I don’t know either. – Hey. We did have
some good times though. – Yeah. – IAN:
♪ I will remember Food ♪ ♪ Battle through all the years ♪ ♪ We died so many times ♪ ♪ But are somehow
inexplicably still alive ♪ ♪ Don’t try to make sense
of any of it… ♪ (vocalizing) – Okay,
the montage is over. Ian!
– Sorry. So…do you really
wanna end Food Battle… …forever? – Yeah. I think so. What do you say we… …toss these donuts
and move onto newer things? – Yeah…
like Food War 2017! – No.
– Sorry. Well…
what do you say we… …get out of here,
sport? – All right, champ..
Let’s do it. – Good-bye, donut.
– Good-bye, Food Battle. (dramatic music playing) (heavy metal music plays) – Ian! Ian!
Anthony! You just ended Food Battle
and I’m out of a job. What are you gonna do now? – We’re gonna live,
damn it. We’re gonna live. – Oh boy, you’re gonna live!
Can I come? – Sure. buddy. – Get in here.
– Oh… Wait…does this mean I’m
fully unemployed now? – IAN & ANTHONY: Yep.
– ANNOUNCER: F*ck! What am I supposed to do? – IAN: Foot greaser?
Clean windows? – ANNOUNCER:
I don’t do windows. – IAN: Plumbing?
– ANNOUNCER: No! – ANTHONY: Paint rocks?
– ANNOUNCER: For money? – ANTHONY: Yeah.
– ANNOUNCER: No. – IAN: Taint tickler? – ANNOUNCER: I already
do that for free. – IAN: Well, you
should start charging. – ANTHONY: Hey guys. Thank
you so much for watching and supporting Food
Battle over all these years. – IAN: Yeah,
and we can not wait to show you guys
what we have– – BARNEY: Hey there,
kids! It’s Barney! You thought you could end
Food Battle without me? I don’t think so.
(chainsaw whirring) I’m gonna cut off your scrotes
and wear them as jewelry! (Ian and Anthony screaming)
(laughs maniacally) So much blood!
(Ian and Anthony scream) Oh, these are
wonderful scrotes. (suspenseful music plays) Captions by: Alex Porter and some other things by other captionists (that the word? :/)