All right, today we’re gonna make gingerbread. We’re gonna start by taking… half a cup of butter, and three-quarters a cup of packed brown sugar. *Sad flashback music playing* Pimblokto: Son of a bitch, I broke my bowl. *Sad flashback music ends* YSAC: Then we’re just gonna use an electric wang-jangler until it’s all fluffy. It’s like the texture of frosting. We’re gonna take a third of a cup of molasses, you can also use straight-up road tar. This stuff is as slow as thick water. A large faceless egg, And a little bit of water. Keep in mind you only need minimum wanglitude to get this together. Feel free to de-spatulize the sides. Hey! Now in another bowl, around two and a half cups of all-purpose flour, A teaspoon of baking soda, Half a teaspoon of salt, Couple of teaspoons of ground ginger, Half a teaspoon of ground nutmeg, “Exactly” half teaspoon of cinnamon, Throw in half a teaspoon of that pumpkin pie spice, Could also use allspice. You could also put in cumin, it won’t taste good though. We’ll use a neolithic wang-jangler on this stuff. Now make sure to introduce the powder slowly while you’re wang-jangling, Otherwise you will end up with a clumpy bowl of regret. Come on, electric wang-jangler, I know you’ve got in in you! It’s gooey, it’s combined perfectly, we did it! Now form this into a steaming pile of gingerbread dough. And we’ll take some plastic wrap, and we’ll drop it on there. Into a disc, and we’ll put the blanket over and make it cozy. And we’re gonna… chuck this in the fridge for an hour. Now put this stuff in the sink for 24 hours and see if you get lucky. I haven’t been feeling too good lately, so I’m gonna whip up a hot toddy, which is basically medicine. You take a cup of hot water, Some fresh squeezed lemon juice, Some fresh squeezed honey, And some fresh squeezed whiskey. If you don’t drink, just skip the whiskey. Besides, some people say it makes you want to fight. I don’t think it’s true, but- *Fight grunts* Oh, Christmas dove, I can never punch- *PUNCH and grunt* *More fight grunts* You should be able to treat this like a wheel. But you should never treat your dough like that. And let’s also flour our cylindrical compression tube. Roll it out until it’s the thickness of approximately 1 gingerbread cookie. Now, you can take a gingerbread man cookie cutter, and press that in, then throw it on your pan. But are you gonna feel good about yourself tomorrow? Probably. Personally, I don’t need the man telling me how to cut my gingerbread man. You know what I mean? I’m gonna cut it myself, the way Jesus would have done it. Oh! Oh, look! A gingerbread pineapple! Yum! Oh, wow! A gingerbread hammer!
Yes please, I appreciate hard work. Got the ungo on three fungo (°F/170°C), and… we’re gonna bake those for 8-10 minutes. So we got the classic gingerbread man, which is great, if you’re a lazy f*ck. We’ve got the awesome gingerbread man, lookin’ awesome. Kind of like The Thing. Got a gingerbread pineapple, looking citrusy. Gingerbread Hammer, you could… actually use that if you wanted to. Um, I think that was supposed to be a gingerbread ghost. It… does look pretty scary, But not as scary as uh… gingerbread Slenderman. Um… got the Illuminati, a realistic quarter, uh… a loaf of gingerbread, We’ve got a… gingerbread dog/moose/dinosaur/nightmare. We’ve got uh… the gingerbread human centipede, Gingerbread monster truck, And uh… gingerbread centaur. It’s kind of like the ultimate battle of monster truck versus centaur. Vroom vroom! Grrrrr!!! If you’re bad at wrapping gifts like I am, there’s a far easier way to do it. You just trace the side of the box, cut out the rectangle, and just glue it straight on to the box. It’s really easy. And the more different kinds of paper you use, the better it looks. You can also use a variety of glues. *Flashback music plays again* YSAC: What are you doing Pimblokto? Pimblokto: I didn’t mean it! YSAC: You didn’t mean it? Like you didn’t mean the grilled cheese sandwich? Like you didn’t mean the chocolate peanut butter balls? Like you didn’t mean the cereal? Like you didn’t mean the craft supplies all over the place? Pimblokto: I apologize. YSAC: *Sigh* You’re gonna have to find a place to live, Pimblokto. YSAC: *Sigh* You’re gonna have to find a place to live, Pimblokto.
Pimblokto: I only wanted to- YSAC: Please just go! Pimblokto: I was making the pizza for you! *Sad flashback movie ends* YSAC: *Sigh* The good thing about this is it saves a lot of paper, and it wastes a lot of glue. That’s looking pretty good. So… um, I’m just gonna slide this under the tree. *Sad flashback music starts again* Young YSAC: A robot? Wow! I’m calling it Pimblokto! Come on, Pimblokto, over here! Pimblokto, you’re my best friend! Hey, let’s build a fort! Good job, Pimblokto! We’re gonna be friends our whole lives! *Sad flashback music ends* YSAC: I’m coming for you, buddy! Pimblokto!? Pimblokto! Pimblokto: Hello. YSAC: Pimblokto, how are you buddy? Pimblokto: I’m so cold. YSAC: I don’t… get how that’s possible. Pimblokto: And hungry… YSAC: Wow, that’s… confusing. Pimblokto: *Unintelligible mumbling* YSAC: I… didn’t quite catch that, a-are you okay? Pimbloto: *Mumbling* YSAC: Okay, so you’re good? Pimblokto: *Mumbling* YSAC: Oh, you’re not good? Pimblokto: *More mumbling* YSAC: D-do you wanna come inside, Pimblokto? Pimblokto: I want to go…
*Powering down noise* YSAC: Pimblokto? [Panicked] Pimblokto? Pimblokto?! Noooooo! Devon: Then what happened? YSAC [Muffled]: Well, he died. Devon: What?! He dead? YSAC: Well, yeah, he died, I mean, I threw him in the garage, And hopefully he’ll thaw out in the spring but uh, Yeah… Devon: Well that’s really sad. *Smack*
YSAC: Those are for guests, Devon! Devin: Oh, ok… uh… YSAC: By the way, I got you your Christmas present. Devon: Wow… YSAC: Merry Christmas, buddy!