NAMED VERONICA
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, AND I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER. I WAS IN LOVE WITH VERONICA. SHE WOULD BABYSIT US
ON SATURDAY NIGHTS. AND IN MY HEAD,
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, I THOUGHT THAT VERONICA
WAS LIKE 25, 30 YEARS OLD. I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY MOM
THE OTHER WEEK. I FOUND OUT THAT WHEN I WAS 10,
VERONICA WAS 13. SO WHY WAS SHE IN CHARGE? ALL SHE COULD DO WAS DIAL
THE TELEPHONE A LITTLE BETTER THAN I COULD. 13 WHEN I’M 10? THAT’S JUST LIKE HIRING
A SLIGHTLY BIGGER CHILD. THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU’RE
GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEK AND YOU PAID A HORSE
TO WATCH YOUR DOG. LIKE, “ALL RIGHT, HERE IS
THE NUMBER WHERE WE’LL BE, “AND HERE’S WHERE WE KEEP
THE DOG FOOD. “AND YOU’RE A HORSE. “SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH. SHH, SHH,
SHH, SHH, SHH.” WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?
PEOPLE ALWAYS SHUSH ANIMALS. THEY GO, “HEY, SHH, SHH, SHH.” THEY’VE NEVER SPOKEN. I ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE
IN NEW YORK WHEN I WAS A KID. I’M SO EXCITED THAT I GET
TO LIVE IN NEW YORK. I SAW NEW YORK CITY IN A MOVIE
WHEN I WAS A KID. IT WAS CALLEDHOME ALONE 2:
LOST IN NEW YORK.
IT IS A SEQUEL.
YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT MOVIE? IT WAS A SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE
HOME ALONE.
I REMEMBER IN THAT MOVIE–
OH, THE KID INHOME ALONE 2.HE GETS INTO A STRETCH LIMOUSINE
ON 5TH AVENUE WITH A LARGE CHEESE PIZZA,
AND I THOUGHT, “THIS IS
THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!” NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORK
AND I’M PSYCHED, BUT THAT IS A STUPID
MOVIE TITLE. LOST IN NEW YORK?
THE STREETS ARE NUMBERED. HOW’D YOU GET
LOST IN NEW YORK? I KNOW IT’S KIND OF STUPID
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A MOVIE THAT CAME OUT 17 YEARS AGO. BUT I WASN’T A COMEDIAN
BACK THEN. SO I HAVE TO DO IT NOW.
I WISH I’D BEEN. I WISH I’D BEEN A DEF JAM COMIC
WHEN THAT MOVIE CAME OUT. I WOULD HAVE TORN IT
TO PIECES. BE LIKE, “YOU SEEN THIS SHIT? “YOU SEEN THISHOME ALONE 2:
LOST IN NEW YORK
SHIT? “IT’S A GRID SYSTEM,
MOTHERFUCKER. “WHERE YOU AT?
24TH AND 5TH? “WHERE YOU WANNA GO?
35TH AND 6TH? 11 UP AND 1 OVER,
YOU SIMPLE BITCH!” THAT’D BE MY BIG JOKE.
THAT’D BE THE CLOSER.