I’m off to catch a hare.
I’m hungry. How do you do it?
I couldn’t catch a thing! You have to imitate the female. – The female hare.
– The doe. – The what?
– It’s called a doe. I only know the call. Can you see them? Nor can I, facing that way! – Poke your head out.
– What? And get an arrow in it? Maybe they’ve gone. Maybe? We need more than maybe! They’re there. Let’s go before we get it
from both sides! – How about a human shield?
– What? We pretend to take you hostage and cross their camp yelling, ” Move and the King gets it!” We could charge… Charge where? Right at them!
But if there’s a hundred… There are almost 3 of us. 10 of them, we’ve had it! Why not lob a decoy rock
that way and run? No more stupid ideas. It’ll work! Not that way! Right on the arse! You’re completely stupid! – They think we’re there.
– So, we go this way! They didn’t buy it.
They’re coming this way! We’ll move!
They’ll find no one here! I’ll draw them away. No more rocks! What now? Have yours back! You nearly hit me! We could set fire to the forest? Scorpions trapped by fire
kill themselves. We encircle them with fire, they kill themselves,
we lob decoy rocks and run away! No? If we stay here I’ll go nuts.
Let’s run for it! It’ll be dark in an hour. We’ll see them by their torches. We could dig a tunnel? We dig while you throw rocks in the other direction. They’re right beside us! They heard my plan! – Shut up!
– Don’t move! Stop that! – They’ll kill us!
-” Forest Animals” . Wait… Stop that! They’ll see us! Stop that! We build a dam and lob rocks so they think
we crossed the river. When they’re mid-stream,
we break the dam. Drowned! Very ingenious. It’s hard destroying something you’ve spent 4 weeks making. Or else, we could imitate a roebuck. Back to work, Father-in-law? It won’t do itself. There’s a dessert today. Not for me, thanks. If someone makes a dessert the least you can do is eat it. Stop behaving like slobs just because you’ve responsibilities. You put it so nicely… What is it? A blueberry tart. Is it a problem? Why bite my head off? You’d think it was slurry! It’s not as if you made it! Actually, I did. It took her all morning. – Tarts now?
– So? – It’s illegal?
– You’re no sweeter for it. – Can’t the cooks do that?
– It’s relaxing. What are you waiting for?
Nightfall? – You’re not saying anything.
– I can’t. The fruit’s nice. If it’s not good, just say so. – It’s not good.
– Thank you! – You asked!
– I didn’t ask you. The pastry’s a bit dry. That’s probably it. I want to make tarts. – I won’t say why!
– Then we won’t eat them! I should have grandchildren
to make them for! I keep waiting – nothing! This won’t lure them out! Granny’s tarts are always nice. Like fishing with grandpa.
It’s genetic. What? Get used to it,
unless you’d rather make tarts! You make tarts for
non-existent grandchildren and I take them fishing? It’s what they remember. Fishing, tarts… It’s a legacy. This is a legacy? I wouldn’t let my children eat this. Produce some first, then we’ll see. A dessert makes any meal special! Never mind if you can’t make tarts. Don’t worry about it. I’ll keep practising. – Make more?
– Every day. – Every day?
– I’ll change the fillings. How about the pastry? I’m not asking you to eat bricks! You are, but you call them tarts! Make some jam!
Grandchildren love jam. Babies can eat jam.
They’d need teeth for this. Milk teeth wouldn’t stand a chance! Wait! If you’ve a space later… Or a hole in a wall to fill. We’re joking! Only joking… Why bother making a table? We’ve got one already. This is a round table,
around which I’ll unite “The Knights of the Round Table” . “The Round Table”? Good job it wasn’t a dresser! It’s fine. Fine. I just imagined stone. We talked about stone. I couldn’t get it up
a spiral staircase! I’m not a magician! The wood’s not unpleasing. It’s top quality! 6 girls can stroll around on it,
no problem! It’s not for that. What you do with it’s up to you! It’s the leather bugs me. It’s a bit sewing bee. You’re right. Leather’s never out of place
or fashion. This isn’t crummy cowhide! It’s luxury leather! Hours of work went into it. We’ll get used to it. Mind when you’re eating. I waterproofed it with pork oil, but gravy will ruin it. It’s not to eat at. What you do with it’s up to you. It’s the perfect writing height! Shame you won’t be writing at it. – Why not?
– You’ll stand at the desk. A table and chairs
and I have to stand? No one’s writing at this table. If you’re not eating, writing or dancing on it,
why have it? It’s complicated. The Lady of the Lake told the King to make a table around which his Knights will sit and organise the Quest for the Grail! – There.
– Roughly. Wow! The Quest… – It’s tricky.
– We’re still a bit lost. So, fancy folk will be sitting here? – If you like.
– Britain’s mightiest lords! – And humble knights.
– All sorts. But knights!
Not a load of old bumpkins. No hicks on this Quest!
Unless it’s changed? Mind if I put my mark here? – Why?
– Publicity! If a chieftain sits here and likes it, when he wants a dresser made he’ll come to me! A mark will look ugly. It’ll be tiny. 10 minutes? Five… Finished! ” Breccan & Son, Ireland.”
Publicity never hurts. I understand. Do you need anything else in here? A weapon rack for the boys? A nice coat stand? They’re in armour.
They carry their weapons. There’s no messing here! How about the bedrooms? It’s lovely! It’s you! What do you think? – About what?
– I’m not talking to you. Who else then? I had imagined stone… See?
Stone would have been better. You mean me? Who else? All my stone’s gone to Winchester! And with the spiral staircase…
Forget it. Great things will take place around this table. I just need to get the guys together. How can I describe the Grail so they can picture it clearly? I’ve said a few things here and there, but they’re a bit lost. It’ll come in its own time. I must be off. Congratulations on the table. Look after the leather. It’s a devil to keep clean. Am I boring you? No. If I am, you can always… Today, we’ve the mystery of the Knight of Provence. Who’s he? No one knows? I’ve heard talk of him. Do you think it’s true? It sounds like a rumour to me. A mysterious Gallic knight
single-handedly helping the oppressed
sounds fishy to me. It annoys you. What? Everyone talking about
someone other than you! ” Everyone”? Hardly! There is a lot of talk about him. In the sleasy drinking dives maybe. Not the ones I go to! If his fame spreads,
he’ll need a place at the Table. We’ve only 8 places for the 12 of us! This Gallic knight’s nothing! We’ll have to enlarge the table. More knights will mean
a bigger table. This is the biggest room I have. I’d have to knock a wall down
to get it in! We’ll stick with the rota. No one’s seen
the Knight of Provence yet. Is he from Provence or Gaul? He’s nothing. He doesn’t exist. I think he’s from Provence. It’s actually Provencal the Gaul. But that’s me! What? I’m not mysterious or solitary. You’re not from Gaul. I’m from Caerdydd! That’s in Galles. You’re Welsh. That’s what I said, Provencal of Galles. – I get it.
– You’re not from Gaul. I made a mistake. You’re not Provencal either. – Provencal’s my name.
– Percival! – What did I say?
– Provencal. No, Percival. I made a mistake. It’s not that bad. Can’t even learn his name! When did you become
Provencal the Gaul? I don’t know. Maybe it’s always different. Everyone’s talking about me! Percival of Galles
is an idiot, not a legend. Provencal the Gaul
has a great reputation. – What for?
– Feats of arms. First I’ve heard about it! Sad, the only time
he does anything of note he gets his name wrong! The Knight of Provence mystery
is solved. You only had to ask. Provence must be proud of its son. Given that Sons of Provence born in Caerdydd are rare. I’m still a legend! I beg you! Don’t go in there! But it’s the Throne Room! Atilla’s waiting for you! Attila, the Scourge of God! Hardly a bundle of laughs. Laughs? Grass withers where he treads! There’s no grass
in the Throne Room. I destroy everything here! Me! Kaamelott! I leave heap of rubble, like that! I want all the gold, or else, war! Shall I get it? All Kaamelott’s gold? Are you kidding? If Attila wants gold,
you can’t be stingy. Do you know what it’s worth? I don’t want to be impaled
on a stake on a hilltop! You pretend to calmly negotiate. I pretend to go for a piss. when I get near him,
I slice him open with my dagger. He’ll skin you alive first! Give him the gold and run
before we’re burned out! We won’t be running. So? Sorry, we can’t pay. Don’t get upset! We’d like to oblige, but if we give you our gold
we go out of business! We fought for it, we’re keeping it! Stop talking!
We’re about to be demolished! I bring you to your knees! I still won’t give you my gold. – Why not?
– It’s ours. Yes… We have a duty here. Between the castle and the farms
we’ve 150 servants. You live in the saddle.
A wood fire, a wild rabbit and off! Us sedentary folk… Living in houses looks good, but it costs money! He’s going to raze Britain! Half the gold now or we burn all! Half! It’s un-hoped for! Agree before he changes his mind! No ill-will intended,
but half is a hell of a lot! I’m all for common ground, but if we lose half our savings,
we’re done for. How come? Expenses! Try and listen! Rome might help, but it’s not… It’s not Byzantium. Byzantium’s rich,
but I’ve no contacts. Women, then! Women what? Give us women! It depends which ones. All of them! Not all of them. Food! – What would we eat?
– No food. – Cutlery!
– Can’t do that either. Household linen! Linen? Sheets, towels! All for us! We can’t give him
our fabrics, finely wrought , with designs of exceptional quality! No, we keep the linen. Something typical! – Typical?
– Such as? Anything! Or we smash everything! I don’t know what to give you. I know, but… This is typical? Absolutely. Stag marinaded in honey. A typical British dish. It’s better hot, but they were busy in the kitchen. Victory! Sorry, I make a mess. They definitely agree? They’re coming to sign the peace treaty. It’s wonderful, Sire! A peace treaty is the loveliest thing on earth! I’m sorry. It’s joy. Go easy on the joy. I don’t need a bodyguard,
I can protect myself. It’s one of the terms. What if something befell you
before you signed? It’s not for long.
I found you a great guy. I’m sure. It’s just the idea of someone following me around. – Day and night.
– Day and night? Those are the terms. Grudu is very discreet. You’ll forget I’m here. And I’ll feel easy. He’s a Goliath, trained to kill, born on an ice floe, raised by polar bears. If he gets angry,
give him a bit of raw meat. Let go! – This is stupid!
– I stay with you. He can be alone with his mistress! Mistress, wife, I stay with him. – Go over there!
– I stay by him. – You’ll have to look away!
– I keep him in view. – Shall we do it anyway?
– With him here? I haven’t seen you for 2 weeks. – Back! Or I spill your guts!
– Are you mad? No one touches him! You think she’s going to kill me? – That was scary!
– No one touches you. What if someone shakes my hand,
or gives me bread? – I rip his face off.
– You’re sick. No one’s to brush past me
for 2 days? They won’t. I’ll kill them first. And my wife, the Queen? With all due respect, she touches you, she’s dead! That would be silly. You’d have to find another Queen. He won’t protect you
after you sign the treaty? I can drop dead for all he cares. – That’s going a bit far!
– It’s true. You can’t help getting
emotionally involved with people. What are you on about? – You only met me today!
– I really like you. You’re truly noble. You rule with humility and generosity. – So, will you do me a favour?
– Anything. Go away for 30 minutes? I can’t leave you. Can I have that for a moment? I’m under threat! You should kill me,
but you can’t touch me! Calm down. I was only kidding. I was being stupid. Look, meat! These 2 days are going to be long. Why not stop reading for a while… Back!
Or I’ll gouge your eyes out! I can’t. The peace treaty… I’m sorry. It’s not so bad to feel protected! Where’s my throne gone? I need room for the bard at lunchtime. – Oh, no!
– What? – We need to know what’s going on.
– We do. I’ve 25 spies reporting twice a week! – They don’t sing.
– Thank God! It’s news we want. It’s singing we want! In the pretty, pretty woods A young boy did fall down So quickly he recover-ed He was soon homeward bound. No one knows or cares
who fell down. Why listen to the words? It’s background music. Who fell down? – When?
-“When”? In the woods. I’ve no idea. Bards pass stuff round. We use it for a week,
I don’t have the details. Should I continue? Carry on! Don’t stop! A Caledonian shepherd Watching sheep in a fierce storm Had to look for shelter and wait Until the clouds were gone. Any more sensational news? Is this an hour slot? Half, I think. Thank God! One more and I’ll go and eat. You can eat with us. – He eats, too…
– That’s how they do it now. We insist! The pay structure for bards
is being shaken up. They want to get rid of us! I’ve a song about that. A bard I know got no feast at all Left without fruit or bread When he sang at the funeral
Of King Lot, dead in his bed. What did you say? Chucked out
without a cheese paring! – No, afterwards!
– After what? King Lot! Who died?
What happened? I don’t know. That’s all! You said “funeral” . Maybe. I say lots of things. Try and remember! King Lot blah, blah, blah… Your time’s up, anyway. I’ll start with the crudités, if you don’t mind. I guarantee you’ll remember. How can I concentrate? Leave him to eat his lunch! If Lot’s dead, lunch doesn’t matter! If he’s dead,
what are you spies doing? They cost more than
2 gold pieces and lunch! Get on with it! A bard I know had no feast at all Left without fruit or bread… Just like me! You’ll be in a song if I get no food! The next bit! When he sang at the funeral of… King Lot? Of Prince… It’s gone. If I say he’s dead it doesn’t mean he is really. It’s a song. Why say it, then? It’s dramatic! It makes old folks cry sometimes. You get a lot more cash. I usually go round with the hat. You’re very popular. When I say you’re dead I make a killing! – I didn’t give the word!
– I have to test it. It’s nothing!
He was testing the horn! Does it work now? That way! Don’t run about like idiots! Give it a blast. Black flag. Red flag twice. They’re going right, not left! Should we do it again? Yes or no? Do whatever you want! Blow it. If they don’t look,
we can forget the flags! Blow again! I don’t believe it! Tell us if we’re disturbing you! Yes, this is where it’s at! Black flag. Red flag. Flags in a “V” . What wonderful coordination! We’re waving our flags
and they’re all over the place! – The code’s hard for them.
– Isn’t everything? It’s not complicated. Outflank left, right, charge, retreat,
archers… I know! The code’s fine! We need fewer signs
and more colours. They’d get the colours mixed up. We’ve double the men but we’ll lose because they can’t remember 3 signals! We haven’t lost yet. – Breach to the left!
– We should try it. Give it a parp! They’re not looking this way! Double the call! They’re taking the piss! Triple the call? Give me that. That way! Pull your fingers out! Sound the retreat. Sire? To save any men,
we have to sound the retreat. They won’t listen. They might for a retreat. – Do whatever you like.
– Call! – It’s working.
– I didn’t signal! – They’re retreating.
– We said not to retreat until told! – Next battle, I’m staying at home.
– What? Don’t be stupid. You can’t do that! They attack when they feel like it, they retreat without being told… I’m a warlord,
not a flag-waving trumpeter! We need a simpler code. It’s not the code. It’ll still have to go. The men can’t take a thrashing
every week for long. Neither can he! A warlord who doesn’t command
gets depressed, eats… He’ll put on 40 pounds. Yes, maybe if we changed the code… Hey! Aren’t you training with
the Arms Master today? Maybe. I’ve lost track. Sire! I’m waiting for you! Shall I tell people the King’s a fairy who wets himself
at the thought of a fight? Yes, it’s today. Go easy! We’re only training! There is no “easy”!
Shift your arse, Sire! It’s like fighting an old lady! We were warming up
with a few exchanges! Exchanging pleasantries,
more like! On guard, missy! You might bloody warn me! You think the enemy will warn you? You nearly cut my arm off! If it wakes you up! You’re completely crazy! On guard, missy! I’m not a girl! What good’s a magic sword
if you can’t use it! I’m no rookie.
I’m good in a real fight. Pretend this is one!
Show me your manhood, you virgin! I’m stopping! Why? I’m sick of this! You owe it to yourself to train hard! It’s not that, it’s the goading! It’s the way to incite anger, Sire! Otherwise we can’t work! But why call me a virgin? Sire, I’m your most devoted servant.
I’ve pledged my sword and heart
to your divine destiny. My love would stop me
raising my sword against you. Same here.
I don’t want to bash your face in. We insult each other to forget
we like each other. On guard, you balding old tart! Hit me with an insult, Sire! – I have to think of one.
– Anything! As long as it’s offensive! On guard! Son of a one-legged man! What? Did I say something wrong? That’s not an insult. It’s true! Was I meant to lie? I’d prefer it! You said to offend you and I did. – Come on!
– No! Exploiting a father’s infirmity… We’re angry!
Call me a dyke and attack me! I’m not angry, I’m outraged! What if I’d said that to you? My father had two legs. Do you have to go on about it? I don’t whine
when you call me a sissy. But that’s just an expression! I could say some things about yours. – Your father.
– What? Birgit’s Barn, for example. What barn? When he was shat on by a goat! Prepare for a bloodbath. Looks like training was tough yesterday. We packed a lot in. It does us good, it… My father may have one leg, but my wife has no moustache! – What did he say?
– Nothing. We’re pretending. It’s to get us going… Coming? Little dick? Is it today you repel
the barbarians? Yes ! There’ll be fun and games ! You’re always happy before a fight! Don’t start that. Where was it? Good morning. Don’t get up. I’m raring to go this morning! Me too. They’ll get a hiding! The barbarians should get ready! – How about you?
– I’m great! What’s happening today? Where’s your armour? At home. Is there a tournament? Does “invaders” ring a bell? Last night’s battle meeting?
You were awake. It’s all over! What? The enemy’s gone.
Bors negotiated brilliantly. We needn’t lift a finger! I thought that’s why you were happy. What’s this diplomatic solution? – Disaster is averted.
– It was a close shave! Their leader’s coming. Why? To sign the treaty. What treaty? We gave them the marshes. It’s me, the idiot.
Do you understand? No one reported to you? I told them to.
They were so happy to be saved! You should have seen them! ” Long live the negotiator” they cried!
“Long live Bors!” Where do the marshes come in? You’ll see. We exchanged our marshes for safety. – ” Exchanged”?
– You didn’t give them land? You call it land? – Yes.
– How could you sell them land? I didn’t, I let them have it. For how much? – Nothing! Our lives!
– It’s fine by me. He’s completely nuts! We’d have won!
Who asked you to avert a battle? He gives them land,
negotiates things… Are you a Knight or a promoter? I forgot the marshes surrounded us. The pressure… Never mind. They can attack us
from all sides at once now. It’s their land! They’ll leave us alone
now they’ve the marsh. They’ll build some huts. Nice little Barbarian holiday homes! The enemy’s occupied the marsh.
We’re surrounded! – There!
– Proud of yourself? You were planning
to thrash them anyway. We can get our marshes back! What a shame we lost our pretty marshes. We got them back in the end. – When did we lose them?
– This morning. When did we get them back? This afternoon. It’s all too fast for me. Most things are. – Have some turnips.
– No thanks. You eat! Eating with you is so relaxing. – Why’s he sulking?
– I’m not. Imagine when he is! Leave him alone. He wanted to eat at Gawain’s. Why didn’t he? I think his place is here. He can go now and then… Eat, don’t stir! You’re on form tonight. I wouldn’t expect your support. What do I care where he eats? A stool says more than he does! I don’t get it.
We marry her to the King. He’s at the Round Table.
Everyone’s set up. When invited to the King’s table at least eat at it! I hope you’re not thinking
of “setting up” your aunts and uncles, too. We’re a burden to you. I’d eat in peace without you. Is the odd row too much for you? “Odd”? You’ve a nerve! It depends what you call a row. A row is when the plates start flying. It’s quiet some nights. No one shouted yesterday. Father said Arthur was
a pain in the ass. No one was shouting? I said it quietly. Out of context, it sounds… There’s always a context for a row. But every night?
Even your son’s sick of it! – He’s not.
– It puts me off eating. He’s sensitive to shouting. – Stupid cow!
– Do you want a slap? – Be nice to your sister!
– Pansy! Being Queen won’t spare you one! No shouting. Warm, cosy, silky-smooth. Calogrenant eats with his ministers and his family eat next door. He’s a total idiot. True. But he eats in peace. Yvain should eat here because he’s the King’s brother-in-law. His brother-in-law!
So he is! I’m your wife’s brother. It hadn’t clicked. That’s why I can’t eat where I want. – You can! Go to Gawain’s!
– Absolutely not! I’m his superior officer. Go! Or tomorrow you eat next door! Why bother waiting till tomorrow? Kids don’t want to eat
with old folk. – Old folk?
– Go to Gawain’s! – What?
– It’s an order! He’s popular tonight! You too! Work off your meal! Don’t send them next door, send them to Gawain! Not finishing your drinks? – Can’t.
– We’re anxious. – Why?
– We’re called to the Round Table! You did something stupid? Obviously! But to be hauled up… It must be really bad. What are we waiting for? The Lady of the Lake to appear! Oh, yes… What’s she to you? – What do you mean?
– Your cousin? Certainly not! She’ll see only you. It’s not that she’ll only see me. No one else can see her. If she’ll only see you… No one else can see her! No one else has the physical,
sensory ability to see her! You can’t. – Don’t force her…
– Goddammit! You wanted them, here they are. One has an exceptional destiny… – Who are you talking to?
– One moment. I told you, the Lady of the Lake. – She’s coming?
– Not if we’re here. She’s here, but you can’t see her! I wouldn’t bother if I were you. Sure they’re exceptional? – Who?
– Wait… The blue-eyed one? He’s got a lot of potential. Percival? You’re kidding! I didn’t say a thing! We’ll go if your cousin comes… Percival of Galles?
He’ll be known in 2000 years. This is getting weird. Shut up!
I’m talking to someone you can’t see! Don’t get worked up. Shut up until I’ve finished! It’s hard for them to understand. – They’re lost when it’s easy.
– Who? That went pretty well. We just kept quiet. That’s why it went well. The Lady of the Lake
sent you a message. You saw her? Just be quiet! Right… she says that you,
or rather you, are more than likely to have an exceptional destiny. I don’t get it. – Is it me?
– I don’t get it either. No, it’s me. Things are bad for you just now. Glory, the legend, the quests…
It’s bad. I’m telling you! It’s crap. You’re nothing. Be patient, it will get better. When? I don’t know.
I’d say, not for a while. Be off with you. You didn’t get bawled out? We have a destiny. Look at us
while you’ve got the chance! We can’t hang around this dive! We’ll drink this and go. We nearly drank away
a great destiny! I pruned the rose today. It really needed it. How was your day? I’m still getting over
the excitement of yours. I’m trying to understand. The cattle thief
won’t name his accomplice. Why are we waiting? He still won’t speak? He says, “Get lost” . – As well!
– We look stupid! What can we do? – We have ways.
– Your aversion to torture’s odd. To what is it due? Me, not allowing torture. – Very good, too.
– Very modern. But the thief runs free. Torture’s not so bad. Pros don’t shed blood. Guys crack seeing the tools! And if they don’t? It’s carnage. You shut the guy’s foot in here and turn the screw until you hear
the bone crack. I’m hot. I don’t feel too good. It’s a classic, used everywhere. This is for adults. We’ve all sizes. Who invents these things? They’ve always been around. You hear about new things, but mostly they’re adaptations of old models. Here’s a simple example. Staying with feet… Get your guy
to stand on the point and smack his foot with this. – Not bad.
– It’s so hot. I’m sweating. Does it have a space for hot coals? That’s the pricier one. The guy’s foot’s crushed! – Why burn it, too?
– It’s for effect. Fire’s always impressive. I’m having palpitations. Got anything jollier? I’ve got these. – For pulling off nuts.
– The fruit? No, nuts. This is what I call the travelling kit. If you’re on the move, take this. Which is for…? Slicing fingers off. It’s not as nasty. Not as nasty? Compared to the rest. You cut the phalanx off one finger, go on to the next
and carry on until he gives in. It’s all explained in the booklet. A few of those would come in handy. That’s about it. There’s this lovely tool. – To cut…?
– Anything. But mostly genital stuff. Do you mind if I vomit? Put this end in an orifice. An orifice? Whichever you want. Usually it’s the… You get the needle and jab the rat’s arse. This is stuffed, to show you. The rat enters the orifice and eats everything. Yes, it’s… You’re right, discussing the day is nicer. Sire! – Repurgator!
– I was looking for you. – Hello.
– Silence, heretic demon! I hate women! They’re filth! I’ll wait for you outside. You wanted to see me. Thank you.
You’re always ready to listen. You can always get to see him. Amazing.
You’re a king who’s always ready to listen.
Extraordinary! What’s all this about? I wish to submit a law
for your ratification. A simple law.
You just have to sign. The King agreed in principal? Not that I remember. That’s good! I didn’t want to bore you
with endless meetings. You’ve things to do, so much work! The people like your attitude,
it’s really… – Let’s get on!
– They acclaim you! Returning to the law… Everything’s been wrangled out. Just sign, bottom right. Concerning… – Just here.
– Here? There. Just remind me what it’s about? – The law?
– Yes. It’s a law forbidding polygamy. You can’t have
several wives at once? No. No more than one. – One at a time.
– No, just one. I don’t understand. You, for example… No, not me. You, then. Not me! I’m saving my heart
for a true love, whose purity… No, he’s a bit odd. – You, then.
– No. Take him. Me? No… Me, then. Your wife is Guinevere,
our beloved Queen. So? You’d admit
to the occasional dalliance? You won’t deny it? Dalliances with peasant girls, some of which aren’t too clean? Young girls in your bed for reasons that aren’t clear. It’s not nice! Your wife is Guinevere,
our beloved Queen. You’re with her and her alone.
The end. – Sign here.
– I have Guinevere and… That’s all. Full stop. You just go with Guinevere, our beloved Queen. You sign. Full stop. Sorry. I’ll think about it. No problem, it’s very interesting. It’s new to me, but why not? It’s modern. Maybe it’s a bit too modern. Put that down. You should get rid of that guy before everyone
hears his stupid ideas. He’ll be lynched one of these days! – One wife!
– Did you ever hear such a thing! – Wouldn’t one wife be boring?
– You bet! One thing we might consider: allowing polygamy for women. No. – Why not?
– Imagine what would happen! Sign the law, please. I said I won’t sign it. Sign the law, and now and then you can see as many young women as you like. Go on! And you can confess to me. Confess? Let me explain… It takes 5 minutes, then you can do as you please. Hurry up, Merlin! – Who is he?
– He’s an enchanter. What can I do? Come and protect the King in case of trouble! I’m not going near an enchanter! I request Stag Hill
for my own personal use. – Who’s the hick?
– An enchanter. Elias of Kelliwic’h, “The Deceitful” . A colleague. Why would I give you my hill? Refuse, disasters
will rain upon your kingdom. – No respect! Get rid of him.
– And the disasters? He’s capable of doing it. Disasters are your department. When Elias gets going, it’s no joke. Aren’t you up to it? I’ve always avoided tangling with him. You’re the son of a demon
and a virgin? Yes. Why? You take after the virgin. Elias, Great Enchanter
from the North, Caledonian Wolf Leader,
Scourge of the Snow Dragon, Creator of the All Power Potion, Prophet of the… Are we getting the full CV? – That’s how enchanters do it.
– Merlin. Enchanter of Britain,
Winchester Weasel Slayer, Creator
of the Ingrowing Toenail Potion, Author of the parchment,
“Druidism for the Aged” … You’re right, it’ll take ages. I’m going to ask you a riddle. If you fail, you leave here forthwith. I accept. Your riddle? What’s small
and chestnut brown? A chestnut. – The bastard’s good!
– Is that it? – That’s the riddle?
– One more. I’m not giving him Stag Hill! Too late. He’s won it. I gave my word. – Unbelievable!
– Why ask another riddle? I’ve my reputation to think of! Get my hill back, cretin, or I’ll give you reputation! Elias, are you ready,
only if you want to, to play for Stag Hill again? If you fail, you give it back. If you succeed, you keep it, and something else. If I fail I keep the hill and still beset you with disasters. ” Deceitful” by name… If I win I get the hill plus
The Mound of Souls. If he threatens disaster,
we’re always at a disadvantage! Elias, taste this potion. If you name every ingredient, you win. Otherwise… We’ll chat about the disasters later. Juniper, walnut roots, wild strawberry, fox claws, dragonfly wings, sage, salt, laurel. – And…?
– That’s all. Your legendary accuracy
has failed you! You missed out the parsley! What parsley? The parsley! I forgot to put it in! No, it’s fine. What is? He’s won Stag Hill,
the Mound of Souls, half the Blasted Marsh
and 250,000 gold pieces. The challenges are over. To have lost Stag Hill! He’s good. What are your potions mixed with? – Water.
– He didn’t say water. That’s true! That would be great for a riddle! I’d never think of water! Riddles have never been my thing. One day you must tell me what is. What’s all this about a banquet? We can’t feed 50 people
every month! – This is the Chieftain’s banquet.
– So? It’s not for 50. It’s for 2000. We could put a big bowl
of fruit on each table. Nuts, grapes… Fascinating, Bors, but these are Chieftains. Who says they don’t like fruit? It’s not that, Bors! Do try! Venec, any ideas other than fruit? Yes, meat, meat and meat,
cooked in its own fat. There you are! Obviously! And, for those who want it,
1 or 2 bowls of fruit. I’ll throw some in if you want.
As decoration? We’ll have loads of grub. They’ll be talking, not eating! We should still feed them well. – I’ve allowed 3 pigs per person.
– 3 pigs! You’ve never seen beasts
like those guys from Caledonia! They won’t be wanting fruit! Those who eat 2 pigs
can give 1 to those who eat 4. I know these guys!
But I’m short of cash for girls. There’s the girls, too. I’ve picked out a few. Come here, sweetheart. Shake your booty for King Arthur. There’s no need! I need your OK before I order more. My mate gets them from Ireland. Thick as bricks. Can’t count to 10. It’s not necessary. I find this unprecedentedly vulgar. I’m not keen either,
but with no girls the chieftains… – What?
– You’ll look like… What? Something we mustn’t look like. Must we be as porcine
as our guests? Stop gobbling like a turkey.
It’s political. We don’t treat women that way.
They should adapt. We’re trying to federate them. You’ll federate my balls
without birds! I’ll risk it. It’s bad for our image. What about her image? Give us a twirl, sweetheart. Imagine 60 more like that! 60 butts like hers,
you can federate anything! – I’ve decided. It’s no. That’s that.
– Bravo, Sire! This is going to be tough. That’s enough. Stop! The Irish are so vulgar. I saw 7 tulips per table, for the 7 countries, with ribbons in the clan colours. Not bad. I was thinking of this. It fits in, it’s good metal, chains, rusty, it looks barbaric. It’s just right for those crazy chieftains. Sire… What’s wrong? Here! – This was outside your door.
– What is it? A deceased crow. What is it? A dead crow. I’m not stupid!
Why was it outside my door? Maybe it’s an omen. Omens are such a bind. Particularly for me. So? I don’t know every book by heart. Any ideas? There’s this. It’s not quite right. Is it bad? “The fish will die of heat
and spawn serpents “which will cover pig-bearing women.” – Pretty bad.
– Yes. That’s for a lame goat
outside a chapel. Was your crow limping? Dinner’s been ready for half-an-hour. Be quiet! Smoking blackbirds? It’s divination. Will it take long? It’s getting cold. – Cold will grip Kaamalott.
– What’s new? Shut up! What next? – Unless I’m wrong…
– Never! It’s quite clear:
furs will cover chiefs and their kin, the traveller’s nose will run and the old should take footbaths. Should I reheat everything? Be quiet! And then? Then, nothing. You mean, the end of the world? No, that’s all I see. What use is a prediction like that? Divinations need interpreting. How do you interpret furs,
chiefs and whatnot? Don’t take it literally. Come and eat with us, Merlin. Get out of here! Your prediction is winter. It’s obvious. Winter? Winter what? Winter. No need to look it up. Furs, runny noses…
Winter will be cold. And dinner too. So why did a crow
peg it outside my door? What’s winter to do with me! You’ve Holy blood.
The Gods speak through you. About Quests and Sacred Missions! Not the weather and what’s for lunch! Your mother-in-law’s right.
We’ve a hard winter ahead. – Or a plague.
– What? What are you on about? Dead crows presage either
the plague or cholera. They’ve cholera in Ireland. You’re kidding? – What did I say?
– It’s hygiene. The Irish are filthy. That’s the omen! Maybe not. It’s nothing to do with furs. Does cholera make your nose run? Here we are! Some meat for Sir Caradoc, and a snifter for Sir Percival. You like my grail? What’s on the agenda today? Sir Bors has a question for the Table. Go on, Bors. It’s a remark more than a question. It’ll be a cracker. Please! We’re listening. It’s about the Grail. That’s great! I’m not bringing it up for once! Since the beginning,
we’ve been looking for a vessel or a cup, haven’t we? Recent information suggests
it’s neither a vessel nor a cup but… A container! I’m glad we’re making headway. You don’t see the difference. We’ve the coastal towers to discuss. If you’d seen the mysterious old man
who gave me this information! He did this… And said: ” Beware! “The Grail’s a container!” It’s a kind of salad bowl. I don’t believe it! Does this really change anything? We should know
what we’re looking for. Vessel, salad bowl or dessert set,
we’ve still no leads. I think this could be one! Whenever a tramp gets a drink
out of us, it’s a lead? If that’s so, I’ve got one!
I met a weird guy in Wales. He had hairy ears, smelled of goat,
I nearly threw up. He said: “The Grail is an incadescent stone”. You never mentioned this! – No.
– Why not? I didn’t know what it meant. You do now? I did once but now… We’ve haven’t been looking
for anything like that! It’s always different. That’s why I gave it up. Gave up the Grail? It does your head in.
I just mind my own business. I’ll mind it too! If the Grail’s a stone, it’s different! “Grail” is a meaningless word. Call it a vessel, we’d know. Would we find it? No, but we’d know. The Grail was used to collect
the blood of Christ! A container. You can collect blood
in a vessel or cup. What else could you use? A container. – What do they put pig’s blood in?
– A container! I can see Christ’s blood
being collected in a cup, but in an incandescent stone? Unless incandescent means
“able to hold liquid” . You’re Joseph of Arimathea, Jesus is pouring blood,
what do you put it in? An anchovy jar. They hold at least half a gallon, and you can re-seal it. It won’t spill in your bag. If Joseph was smart, you can bet the Grail’s an anchovy jar. You’ve spent 3 nights with me. Are you bored with me? Quite the reverse. It’s the Queen. Apparently I’m pleasant and relaxed
when I’ve been with you. When you’ve been with her
you’re annoying and aggressive. When I turned round, sorry, I didn’t see you at your post. That’s because he wasn’t there! I don’t want Percival
to be in trouble. He’s always been a devoted friend. Where were you? – Nearby.
– Nearby? You don’t go truffling
during an enemy attack! – I didn’t!
– Where were you? – I forget.
– The main thing is, I managed. You’ll be punished
as a warning to others! He won’t do it again. – That’s all?
– It’s OK. He moved. He shouldn’t have. Next time he won’t.
Get out. – You’re too soft.
– You’re too hard. It evens it out. Fair one who holds my life
A captive in thine eyes Who ravishes my heart
With the kindness of thy smile Come soon for my relief Ere I must die of grief. You’re lovely today. – No more than usual.
– You’re joking! 3 nights with Demetra,
you’re a changed man! – You think that’s it?
– What does she do? – You really want to know?
– No. – It’s your private domain.
– Please. I’m just curious. Today everyone says
you’re kind and clement, in 3 days they’ll say
you’re cruel and heartless. – Who will?
– What does it matter? They shouldn’t be saying it to you. – Who then?
– No one! They shut up or ship out! See? Back 30 minutes
and you’re shouting already! Not especially!
People come to see you? – I was just talking.
– You’re always talking! “You’re happy, not for long.
See thingy and be happy again!” Are you all right? Don’t start! This isn’t the night! Sorry. It’s not your fault. – Whose fault is it?
– No one’s. I’m sorry to shout. – Better?
– Of course. Don’t mind me. – I won’t.
– That’s better. Fair one who holds my heart Captive in… – Don’t you know it?
– No. Never mind. What’s burning? The food, maybe… Sire, who were you with last night? What’s it to you? I set fire to the arrow store
by mistake. Shall we talk today or tomorrow? Percival, what are you doing? That’s Merlin’s laboratory. I have to get something. You’re not afraid? I just pop in and out. All right. Watch out for loose snakes! We have to cast the spell or retreat! I need my shark’s tooth! Those idiots went to get it
4 hours ago! – They’ll be back.
– No sign of them. Your lab’s a tip.
Maybe they can’t find it. It’s right by the book on invertebrates. They can’t read. They won’t spot it! There’s only one shark tooth! We can’t lose 10 men
a minute for a shark’s tooth! – Sure the spell’s worth it?
– Yes, but I need the tooth. We’ll wait a bit longer. A quick drink. They’ll be waiting. – What’s it to be?
– Two ciders. Apple juice with a bite! What’s that? A shark’s tooth. What’s it for? It’s to do with magic. Seen the size of those gnashers? Its gob must be huge! Why have you got it? The enchanter wants it for some spell. It’s to jinx the enemy. A kind of curse. – That’s it.
– So… – It’s a cursed tooth.
– No, it’s… Maybe it is. We could be attracting the evil eye! That’s why they sent us. Why you? We never get sent anywhere unless it’s to get stuff that’s cursed! They think they can take us for mugs! Burn it!
I never want to see it again. I’m not touching it! Go on! You won’t be sorry? They can sort it out.
I’m not a tooth porter! – Ready?
– Just a moment. Ferret’s teeth aren’t like shark’s. – Ferret?
– It’s all I could find. You’re lucky I got it’s teeth out
without puking. – Cast the spell!
– We’ve hardly any men left! The enemy are reforming! – Get on with it!
– Bother! Come on! Done it! – What the hell’s that?
– It’s the wrong tooth! – The enemy’s bewildered.
– How’s that? They’re laughing at us! Let’s take advantage of it! Sound the horn! – Did you win your battle today?
– Yes. Was it hard? It’s a new ploy. We look stupid, they laugh, we strike. It’s new. Is it used a lot? No, only by us. It means looking stupid in record time. We lead the field in that. It says here Lord Jacca’s next. He can’t be. He’s dead. He’s also outside the door. Do we let him in? There’s no one to let in. He’s dead. Good to see you, Lord Jacca. We don’t see you often. I only bother you if there’s a problem. It’s this tax business! As soon as I heard I
harnessed the horses! What do you mean, “tax business”? Having to pay this tax thing. Don’t get me wrong! If I have to pay, I pay. No problem. So there’s no problem. You pay. For 200 years only peasants have paid taxes. Why change it suddenly?
It hit me like shit on a plank. What? Sorry, Sire, it’s the… The tax was discussed at length at the Round Table.
We haven’t seen you… For six years. It’s true, I haven’t been well… We thought you were dead. I’m better now. It’s quite simple. In view of the cost of recent battles and general defence requirements, we’re taxing all lords
who don’t take part in battles. You’ve fought no battles… And you’re not dead. So you owe 2,500 gold pieces. 2,500 gold pieces? You’re joking? Where am I going to find that?
Up a cow’s arse? – What?
– I’m sorry, Sire, it’s the… Watch your tongue! Just because I “didn’t fight” . Did you? No, I wasn’t well. If you don’t fight, you pay.
That’s that. Pay! Sir Lothar isn’t paying. Because he fights with us. He’s at least 80 with a gammy leg! He couldn’t find his dick to piss! – What?
– I’m sorry, Sire, it’s the… Mind your tongue before the King! My excuses. You could turn your debt
into military service. Meaning? Pay nothing but serve in the army. He’s never held a sword.
What would we do with him? I’ll come running to serve Britain! Sure you’re better? How long must I serve? At least 10 or 12 years. How much gold was it? You’re paying up? To avoid fighting! You deserve jail. I thought you didn’t have the money. I’ll get my peasants to chip in. What? How many decades
have I let them work my land? They’re rude, daft as brushes, they make foul bread that breaks your teeth.
I need cash, the hicks will have to cough up! We tax the peasants!
Taxing them again is forbidden! I’ve always taxed them. As well as us? They never complain. Some grumble from time to time. I hang them from a tree.
That shuts the arseholes up! Watch it, or I’ll lock you up! I’m sorry, Sire, it’s the… See you at training? Rich people in the army don’t get dangerous postings? – Do they?
– No. We’ll find you a quiet job. Something like ” Homing pigeon keeper”. No, in front of the foot soldiers. You’ll have a clear view. You can try and catch the enemy arrows with your head. I’m sure I’ll find those 2,500 gold pieces. Are you with the Queen,
Azenor or me tomorrow? Very refined, I must say! – What?
– The way you put it! You think bed-hopping’s refined? I depends how you put it. We have to talk to the Romans! I’ve sent 4 messages to the camp. They take us for idiots. They’re busy.
Their emperor was assassinated. – Again?
– Yes, again. They’re coup d’état crazy! It’s become a national sport. The assassin put a scorpion
in the royal bed. Guards are no match for poison. That’s really nasty. But effective. Bodyguards or not,
if it’s in the bed… If I had to kill the King… Just supposing. – This isn’t going to work.
– I agree. It’s obvious. I’ll mash that scorpion’s mother! – What’s he on about?
– It’s complicated. The Roman scorpion
was in the Emperor’s bed already. – Scorpion?
– One moment. – Do you see?
– I’ll smash its face in! Who’s face? One at a time! This is my bed.
I’m nice not to throw you both out. I’m not budging!
Scorpions move fast! There’s no scorpion!
Don’t be stupid! – We didn’t check.
– What? We haven’t checked the bed
for scorpions. This is stupid
but would it reassure you if we checked for scorpions? I don’t care. I’ll mash it! We’re stuck. What do we do? Nothing. Go to sleep! Are you kidding?
I’m almost on the floor! Leave the light. I need to see. In case a bastard scorpion turns up. Who bit me? What’s going on? Look at him. – What?
– He’s asleep. – What else would he do?
– Watch for scorpions. Don’t you start!
There are no scorpions in Britain! So get him out of my bed! He must weigh 300lbs! Sleep in your bed, then.
Give me some room. I don’t think so. Why not? I don’t fancy leaving you alone with… The bastards bit me! Have you gone nuts? Bloody hell! Scorpions were attacking me! One was half bear, half scorpion and the rest bear! Mother was on about
an heir again at lunch. – Meaning?
-” No grandson, what will people think?” What does that matter? I don’t know…
Do you think the fact that you almost never touch me could be affecting my fertility? It might. I’m going as fast as possible! Hurry! We’re about to eat! You can’t just whip up
a fertility potion. Stop talking and finish it! Are you sure they want children? A kingdom with no heir
is an open door to fratricide and backstairs murder! I’m working against the King? We won’t say it’s you. You’re paid enough
to do something when asked. Put it in the wine. Why in the wine? It has to mix with tannin.
Do as I say! I hope it gives him a boost. It’s guaranteed. You can expect triplets! You’re not drinking! You’ve refilled it 3 times! This plonk’s as thick as batter. – May I try it?
– Not that one! What’s so special about it? That one’s not for you. – Are you crazy?
– Have the other one. – Why?
– Because it’s nearer. Don’t argue over wine! Each to his own wine.
More convivial still! I’m happy to share,
but you’re not missing much. It’s robust, that’s all. Are you finishing it? Why are you forcing me to drink? My brother-in-law drinks litres of it.
He has 8 kids. Why mention kids? It’s virile. Men drink lots of wine. If I crawl home drunk you
bawl me out. Now it’s virile! – I know what I mean.
– I don’t! Your type should come with a warning! I feel bad. My head’s spinning. You can’t even stand
the smell of grapes. Don’t mention grapes. Sometimes I don’t understand you. For once your mother was giving me
wine, not earache! But to end up vomiting all night… – Don’t mention vomit…
– Poor love.. You can’t touch me. I feel ill! I can’t touch you when you’re well! It’s because I feel nauseous. I know what you mean,
but it’s a different nausea. There’s a tiger in your daughter’s room! The little Prince is on his way. All thanks to Grandma! No, it’s impossible. I don’t understand a word! You wouldn’t. So, that’s why. The Burgondian chief is at the castle! He demands to see you! – I can’t just now.
– Why not? I’ve no Burgondian interpreter. He brought his own! – Are you going?
– Of course. What if his interpreter doesn’t speak
Burgondian either? What do you think? It’s tough but not unfair. Say we accept the conditions. Are you sure? What? You won’t be sorry? – It’s hard to know…
– What are you up to? It’s a big decision.
Withdrawing your troops… Are you an interpreter or a diplomat? Interpreter… I say it for you… You’re in a strong position. I’d find it hard. Tell him what we said.
We’ll say if we need you. You’re the boss. Shut up! We’re in control! He’s hard work. To withdraw or not withdraw… Unless you’ve a solution? Honestly? We’re not asking him.
We withdraw… Do you want my advice? No! Translate and shut up! Hang on 2 days, you’ll slaughter them! – Why?
– Stuff the interpreter’s strategies! Why 2 days? It’s interesting. You don’t know Burgondians. They’re completely random.
There are only a few left! You said there were 700 of them! I say what he tells me. He can’t count.
There’s never 700! Tell him what we said! OK. But don’t believe him. Burgondians are ignorant.
This one… Imagine interpreting for this lump! He stinks, farts, destroys things… The other day he went blue.
He’d choked on a quail bone! He coughed, spat and threw up on me! Another time… Spare us the biography. I’ll tell him. No. I can’t. It’s criminal to say you’re withdrawing. Please… You’ve had your chips
if we wipe out the Burgondians! I was thinking,
we could let the big guy go… And I could stay as interpreter. Unless you’ve got one. – I’m fine.
– You just said we needed one. It’s true, we do. So? Not you. What languages do you speak? – Burgondian.
– And? – Burgondian dialects.
– Great. We don’t get many Burgondians here,
apart from him. – You can interpret for us.
– What? Thank you! This had better work out. If the Burgondians win, I’m stuffed! They’re mean to traitors. Don’t worry. I was wondering why study Burgondian culture? Burgondian culture? Is there such a thing? Modern Greek was full up. There was Burgondian or English… And who speaks that? Don’t the wolves sound restless? Yes. What can it mean? When the wolves prowl by night,
the Devil’s on his way. It’s not clever to scare me. You asked. The Gods are angry, Art! The Wolf Spirit growls. Listen! Or your kingdom will fall
into the abyss of oblivion. Why’s he so familiar with me?
We’re not friends. To show he fears no one. He’s always liked to set himself apart. I can hear every word. The Gods are angry. What can I do? The forest demands a sacrifice. Let’s talk about it first! It’s nothing. The staff lights up
when I lift my arm. Don’t worry. A sacrifice? You’re sure? I thought that went out years ago. We do the odd animal at full moon. What do you need to sacrifice?
A goat? This is a crisis. I need a human. What kind of human? Any? Someone decent.
Not just a crummy old peasant. – It has to be fresh.
– Exactly. Preferably a woman. A woman? Out of the question. – Why not?
– Sire! You’re a pain with your principals! A woman, no way,
but 10 men, no problem! I’m sorry, Sire. I say a woman, but given the Spirit’s anger,
a tavern tart won’t do. Who then? The Queen! The Queen? No way! – My wife!
– My daughter! My nothing but still, no way! Anger the Wolf Spirit,
you’re in for trouble! It’s a noble gesture.
She won’t suffer. I won’t give you the Queen! Why not? I’m used to her.
I can almost stand her now. – Sorry.
– Well done. I never could. I won’t sacrifice her
to some grumpy Wolf Whatsit. It’s the Wolf Spirit. Well, it can find another victim. You’re wrong to shrug this off. If we’re set upon by wolves,
don’t be surprised! I’ll protect the Queen
from creatures of the night! You’d be better off going to the pub. Maybe I was wrong. I’ve got a little surprise for you! You didn’t tell me. That’s what makes it a surprise.
It’s a bard! Bravo! Ajerk with bells on his shoes.
He’s outside. Some surprise. A bard’s hardly a surprise. Either we stop them as they land
or when they attack the castle. No one said we had to wait. – Fire on the longships!
– Let’s await our spies’ report. Sire? What is it? Talking to me? About the Vikings? I can’t get that bard’s stupid song
out of my head. What is it? The bird thing. – ” Fluttering Bird” .
– It’s a simple tune. It’s been driving me mad! What do we do about the Vikings?
Sing to them? It’s a silly little song, but round and round it goes! What can I do? Something!
I don’t ask often! So… The ” Unforgettable Song Potion” . It’s not that… – Or that…
– Got anything? I’m joking! I’ve nothing like that here! Hysterical. When we’re done laughing how about solving my problem? I’ve tons to do and I can’t concentrate! Take a walk, eat something…
It’ll go away. I did 3 laps of the castle
and ate half a guineahen! Nothing! I’ve decisions to make
about the Vikings! I think you should sing it out. Meaning? Sing the whole thing out loud. You’re mumbling it. It can’t get out. I can’t sing in a strategy meeting! Once should be enough. – What harm can it do?
– I’ll see. When I come to ask things, I come to an enchanter, to get an enchanter’s solutions. Not crummy old wives’ remedies! You’re my enchanter, not my granny! 50 archers and 150 soldiers
will do it. And the trebuchets? – They may not have any.
– If they do? We’ll stop them before
they can land and assemble them! Smash them and their ships! – Let’s go!
– Do we prepare a battalion? Wait a moment. My little bird fluttered away Fluttered away, fluttered away Has fluttered away. I’m listening. About the Vikings…? The Vikings… Excuse me. Went to perch upon an orange tree… It wasn’t a bad idea having the bard at lunch, was it? Next time a bard comes, I’ll open him up, rip out his guts and feed his tongue to the dogs. Got it? Fluttered away… Fluttered away… Fluttered away. You’re not playing that in there? Sir Dagonet says it’s typically Judean. Put it away! The Round Table
isn’t a craft fair! Welcome back to our friend Dagonet, who’s just returned from Judea, where he was on a… What’s that, Bors? A gift from Sir Dagonet. It’s local. As local as you get! – It’s a bit girly, isn’t it?
– It’s traditional. Welcome, Sir Dagonet. Father Blase? Sir Dagonet will tell us
what he discovered about the Grail while in Judea. Will we need one or two sessions? It depends on his info. Dagonet,
will you need one day or two? For my report on the Grail? On the Grail. 15 minutes should do it. – The main thing is the language.
– Language? You arrive somewhere… Bam! It’s when you hear folk talking that… That what? You think, ” I’m not at home” . That’s great. What else? The other thing was the food. You can’t imagine! It isn’t good? – It’s not that.
– Too spicy? Not that either. – It’s rich?
– It’s rich. – But I’d say it was more…
– Hold it! I’m loving all this, but today, let’s forget the language, food, customs, music and panorama
and focus on… – The monuments?
– The Grail! I may have something. That’s good. One day, I go to a tavern. I sit down and say, “I’m hungry” . A guy brings me a lovely dish:
lamb, peppers… Not the menu! Sorry. Just then,
an old man sits down beside me. How picturesque! At first he tried to sell me
one of their turbans. I’d have sent him off,
but I thought Caradoc would like one. – Then what?
– Then… Get ready for this.
Grilling him, I learn he’s related to Joseph of Arimathea! Are you sure? I’m telling you! Who collected
Christ’s blood in the Grail! – That’s some lead!
– And then? He died. What? I could see he was ill.
He kept scratching, then he started throwing up and… Dead. It’s a drag! It’s true, it’s hot. I like that. It’s local. I wouldn’t say it’s hot. It stings. There’s a paste
they spread on their faces. It’s astringent. No, I’d say it stings. Another day done. Have a kip, start again. Being a taverner’s no sinecure. You’re not wrong. I never know what “sinecure” means. Me neither. If in doubt say,
“You’re not wrong” , then you don’t look stupid. It’s my secret thrust. You’re not wrong? We need a guard post on this road. We’ve had 3 Vandal raids! When you put guys in a guard post, they’re fine the first week, then the solitude turns them to drink! They’re relieved every fortnight! It’s guard duty.
No one said it was a sinecure. – You’re not wrong.
– If the Vandals surprise the post… – No alert!
– It’s OK the first week. But the 2nd week, don’t bother!
The guards hate solitude! I know… Paradoxical, isn’t it? You’re not wrong. Our retreat points have been exposed! We don’t know that!
The scouts aren’t back yet. We need another point. I thought the maps were wrong! I said they were old, not wrong. How old? I don’t know! I don’t understand maps. Make an effort! – They said, ” Be careful, they’re old” .
– They’re obsolete? You’re not wrong. About what? – What?
– Are the maps obsolete? You’re not wrong. These maps are 20 years old! I took what was there. Great work! Can you do anything? – We could try a triple pass.
– A what? Good idea. We stand a chance. – You’re not wrong.
– Convergent? Divergent, given the trees. – You’re not wrong.
– Three! Two! One!
Go! You’re not wrong! I’m down at the moment. Lucky you’re here to comfort me. It’s normal. No… First sign of trouble, most men scarper. You ask me to come, I come.
I’m like that. I haven’t seen much of you lately. Responsibilities. I’m always on the go. Been repelling a lot of invaders? Not many, but Arthur often needs
my strategic advice. I’m in charge of offensive action. It’s a lot of work. And still you make time for me. I don’t know what’s wrong. I look in the mirror and I feel insipid… You’re not wrong. Fine. It was good to talk. Thanks. Chops are better than spareribs. Chops are tastier. You’re not wrong. You know what “tasty” means? Of course I do! Is it “chops” you don’t get? No bodyguard tonight? He’s in the corridor. It’s reassuring, with all the murders. But it’s cosier without him
beside the bed. No! He’s right there.
He can hear everything. I agree, it’s tiresome! The body was in the corridor! The head way down the stairs. A murderer’s prowling the castle! There are grounds for concern. 14 servants dead in a month! 15 with this morning’s! I’m glad I gave you a bodyguard. Yes, it’s lucky. A pity we can’t all have one. Your murderer only targets waiters. How long have I had this bodyguard? 4 weeks.
Since the Saxon peace treaty. When was the first murder? Now then, you’re here because, in Kaamelott… – Where?
– Here. This is Kaamelott. There has been a series of murders. – I’m here. You’re safe.
– It’s not that. We were just wondering… – We found a body today.
– Missing its head? – How did you know?
– I did it. – What?
– Poor man. – Why?
– He was outside the King’s room! I waited behind the hangings and knocked his block right off. – I didn’t see where it went.
– It was on the stairs. You’re completely nuts! No one goes near the King! He was changing the torcheres. Showing off with his candle!
Cut in two! It’s the first time it’s happened? No, I’ve subdued a few. – Trouble-makers!
– How many? – I can’t count.
– Use your fingers. It’s a lot more than my fingers! Learn to tell a king-killer
from a doorknob polisher! While the King’s gets knifed! You can’t kill everyone in the corridor! I missed one last night.
He took the stairs. I drew my sword but it was too dark.
He went into the hall. My God! That was me! – You? That’s all right then.
– I was going to the kitchen. With all respect, Sir Bors, go near the King’s room,
I’ll cut your head off. Sire! The stairs are out of bounds
to servants and knights. – Everyone.
– Except the Queen. I see her hanging round the King,
I’ll slice her up one day. Where are you going? I need to go to… The bodyguard’s outside. Don’t you think he’ll let me out? Yes, but you may not get back in. It’s up to you. Baths are nice. A bit boring, but nice. It might be fun to have a duck. A duck? Not a real one. A pretend one. What would we do with a duck? I don’t know. It’s stupid. Stop that! What’s wrong with you tonight? – Nothing, I’m a bit…
– What? I don’t know. Sad. – Why?
– No reason. That’s intelligent. Can’t you stay with me tonight? I said I’d be with my wife. Warn me if you’re sad! The Queen always has you. I sleep with you more often than her! Just for tonight. If I sleep with you now
she’ll make a fuss. Doesn’t she like me? She adores you, but she likes
advance warning, and she’s sad too. Why? No reason. Same as you. You’re feeling sad, too? Yes, but I’m OK now. I’m sorry to insist, but I couldn’t have slept alone tonight. – Are you all right now?
– Yes. So am I. I’m not. Sorry to spoil things… – What’s wrong?
– No room? That and… I don’t know. – What?
– I’m out of sorts. Haven’t you bedded 2 women before? That’s not the point. No, I haven’t bedded 2 women before. – You’re joking!
– I’m not. Every man in the kingdom’s
done it once in his life! Two’s the minimum. The fun starts with 6. It’s just not my thing. Do you want to try it? Only if you want to, that is… It’s fine with me. No way! I’m beginning to feel queasy. At least try it! We can always stop. Don’t even bother starting! What’s the real problem? – Get us on track.
– I’ve nothing to say! I’m not daft! If it was that good,
we’d be 3 to a bed every night! If it meant I wasn’t alone
every other night… – Me too.
– Absolutely not! Forget it! As for the rest,
if you don’t fancy it with 3… It’s bizarre, but I understand. If it’s only that… One of us could get some tea
in the kitchens. – For 5 minutes.
– 5 minutes? It’s just an expression. That, I couldn’t say. You see, it’s impossible. Move, I’m going to throw up! I’m all right. I’ll sleep in the stables. It’s better. That’s a battle plan! We can’t lose! We had the perfect plan last time,
against the Pict invaders, but we came back with
our tail between our legs. That was Sir Caradoc. He chased his horse
into the enemy camp. Oh, yes! I’d forgotten about that. That was a good meal. – A bit heavy.
– The mushroom omelette wasn’t bad. That’s the charm of forest meals. The cook improvises with what’s to hand. Mushrooms yes, but eggs?
There aren’t many chickens. My belly feels like lead. Why are you grinning? – The meal was good.
– We found the mushrooms… It was you? – Sitting there…
– Waiting to be picked. What kind were they? I haven’t a clue about mushrooms. The enemy’s moving, we have to react! React…! If I don’t remove my armour
something awful will happen. Why aren’t those idiots sick? We don’t like mushrooms. I do, but I can’t digest them. Those two should be put on display! The enemy? It’s plain we can’t do anything! What were the mushrooms like? – Beautiful.
– Bright red with speckles. – Fine specimens.
– Like you! What kind of speckles? White dots? Who cares! You hated them. I want to know if we’re about to die! Some of them were creamy white… We’ve had it. Forget it. – I didn’t get my armour off!
– Spare us the details! If the enemy turns up now… – How can you think about them?
– Someone has to! – Sound the retreat.
– What? We outnumber the enemy! They don’t stand a chance! We’ve more men,
but half of them are in the bushes! Sound the retreat, we’re going home! – Any better?
– No. It isn’t necessarily the mushrooms. You could have caught a bug. 135 men didn’t catch a bug
at the same time. Nothing says you’d have won the battle. 135 against 60? Easy! That’s war. Some you win,
some you lose. We mostly lose, but not always
due to mushrooms. Put yourself in Percival
and Caradoc’s place. It was a noble gesture, to please you. It always starts like that. Last time, while trying
to make everyone warm, they set fire to the arrow store! They’re nice guys
but the gestures have to stop. A split-second attack plan, twice the enemy troops… But Percival and Caradoc step in and we come home like tramps. And with the runs as well! – They’re so stupid!
– Maybe not. Come off it! Maybe they’re enemy agents. No, they’re just stupid. My gorget’s irritating my neck. Can you do something? Don’t touch it. Leave it to breathe. Aren’t Druids healers? We don’t heal irritations. – Because?
– Imagine if it turned septic! About time! I was across the camp. What is it? Sir Percival’s mare. She’s gone lame
and I’ve 15 leagues to ride. I can’t just snap my fingers! Aren’t you a Druid? Yes. Aren’t animals your thing? Druids have specialities. What’s yours? I do a bit of everything. – That’s good!
– Except horses. – You can’t help?
– No. Get lost then. Is he a Druid or has he been
shitting me all this time? What can I tell you? I’ve brought you here secretly! – This is Merlin’s laboratory.
– So? As a respected Druid,
take a look at this room and tell me what you think. About the layout? No! Have a look at everything and tell me if it’s credible. In relation to what? Are you stupid? Pick things up and tell me if it’s normal Druid stuff. This is magical jargon.
I don’t know what it is. “The Big Druid Book” – Of course.
– Nothing alarming. But is it a proper book? It’s a classic. It’s limited but it’s a good basis. Are the other books legit? Druidism is an oral culture. Exactly! So why so many books? We all have them. No need to learn everything by heart! Look at the other things, the plants and equipment… Compare it to your own lab and tell me if anything’s wrong. I couldn’t do without a window. I’d go nuts shut up in here! – Cast us a spell.
– Why? To prove that you know how. Don’t you think I can? – It’s not that!
– Yes, it is! I suspect you of being a dead loss. Cast a spell to show you’re for real. What kind of spell do you want? – Any kind!
– Something that shows your power. – There!
– There what? Take a coin from your purse. – So?
– All the coins have two heads. – So they do.
– That’s a spell! For the next battle can you blow on a knot
and make it disappear? If you need an enchanter, I’ll do it. We’re keeping Merlin. You wanted ballast for battles! Last night he got me
to sign a card. He folded it, put it under a stone… It appeared in Caradoc’s pocket! With my signature on it! You had to be there! All packed for tomorrow? Yes, Mother. You’ve asked 3 times! Your room’s ready for Bishop Boniface? I don’t like giving my room to a bishop. You won’t be here. If Arthur returns early,
he won’t sleep with a bishop! You don’t care. You won’t be here. I left after the banquet. I didn’t want to stay the night. I thought you were staying
at Carmelide? Excuse me? What are you doing here? I may ask the same question!
What do you want? Hop it, or I’ll call the guard! Don’t bother,
I was about to do it myself! Help! Murder! Who are you? The Right Reverend Boniface, you oaf! Bishop of Germania! You’re the Bishop?
I’m Arthur, King of the Britons. A pleasure to meet you. God bless you! Giving you my room was dumb. It’s an unusual idea. My wife’s full of them. When you say it’s your room, is it your actual bedroom
or just any old room? I don’t get you. It’s my room. So you see it as something accepted, something very precise? As King I have my own special room. I don’t have to find a bed every night. I was wondering… It made me think of something commonly known as a “guest room” . We have guest rooms,
but we’ve guests in them. I don’t often find myself in a guest room. On official visits
I expect a bit more… Although this is very plush! Because it’s not a guest room.
Our posh rooms are all full. I see. This one’s quite chic! What about meals? Meals? I’m sorry, I’ve been riding for 8 hours.
I have to… Understand? I understand. I’m used to having the whole bed.
Get in! Would you like some… I wanted to ask –
it was the purpose of my visit – Does the idea of one God
worry the British people? Not as much as me
sleeping with a bishop! Christianity is still fairly new. It has to gain ground. I wondered if, to start with,
we couldn’t run the idea of the one God
alongside the idea of your old ones? What we could perhaps do
is talk about this tomorrow. Of course!
But taking a random example. Is homosexuality widespread here? I don’t know. Not especially. Because we’re currently debating whether or not to ban it. – Ban it? Why?
– That’s what I say! I’m fighting for it to be allowed and even encouraged! It’s awful, you sleeping on the floor in your own room! I’ll sleep like a log! What will people think? A lot less than if I sleep in the bed! Should I put the candle out? No, I’d rather you didn’t! Arthur! You scared me! I have to talk to you. All right, but… Warn me! 60 leagues north after the fork? 60 or 65. Then what? You should reach a big clearing. How will I know it? It’s big. And then? A triangular rock marks
the entrance to Padraig’s Cave. So I go in… And search the tunnels
for the Two-headed Ogre. And then I kill him. Any magical protection
or potions for me? I’ve got this. What is it? A kind of cake. A magic cake? No, a cake for the journey. Thanks. I can’t see a thing! It’s horrible! Caves are usually pretty dark. This is awful!
How long have we been walking? Hours! The torches are low.
We can’t even go back! We can, but in the dark. Why not hop? There’s an Ogre about! I hope we find him soon. I’m in no hurry. If it was me… You’d have run away like a girl.
We know you now. I’m not ashamed. What’s strange
about wanting to stay alive? There’s usually treasure
or a magical object as a reward. We’re courting danger for nothing! Nothing? It’s true, isn’t it? The Lady of the Lake
didn’t mention a reward. I hope you’re joking? No. But there’s the glory… I’ve got enough glory! A glorious funeral maybe! If they ever recover our bodies. Providing we’re not eaten
by that two-headed aberration. She just forgot to mention it. She usually talks money first
to spur you on! I don’t need money to spur me on!
I’m rich! It’s glory I need,
but no one wants glory! It’s not that, but a cash incentive makes it more interesting. I’m not going to force you to go. You’re the King.
We do what you tell us! That’s not the way I want it. If we all decide to kill the Ogre
for the glory, fine. But if I have to force you because there’s no reward,
I’d rather go home. It’s not my decision. You’re the boss. The boss is fed up. You decide. I’ll tell the Lady of the Lake that we couldn’t find the cave. I’m not deciding anything! You decide then, Bors. I think we’d better go home. There were lots of clearings. And triangular rocks, triangular rocks everywhere. It’s a pity. I agree. So you didn’t get the giant emerald? What giant emerald? The Two-headed Ogre swallowed it. That’s why he has to be opened up. I didn’t get that part of it! I’ll try again, now I know the way. – I’m looking for a solution.
– A solution? Percival will have to lead the lancers. No, I’ll do it. You can’t. He’s one of your men! Sir Percival, we need you here. I’m busy guarding the bread! Sir Calogrenant has taken
his army upstream. – That’s it!
– We sent him on ahead. I thought he’d gone home!
Couldn’t be arsed! When we arrive on the plain, he’ll launch a surprise attack
from the right. Looking downstream? I couldn’t tell you. Leodegan attacks from the left. The left? The left, yes. Looking at the river? – I don’t know.
– Why the river stuff? Left, right…
I need something concrete! It’s not complicated! Calogrenant to the right,
Leodegan to the left, us in the middle! All right so far? But there’s a river there. Stuff your river! It’s a landmark! The enemy will attack from the front! The front’s not the problem! What is? – That ” left, right” stuff.
– What’s wrong with it? It all depends which way you’re facing! What are you on about? Tactics demand precise terminology. It helps avoid confusion. We said left and right
so you weren’t confused. – But I am!
– So we can talk normally? Professionally! Calogrenant is waiting northwest
of the attack zone. Leodegan is southIsoutheast
with his men… I hate that ” northeast” stuff. What’s wrong now? It’s confusing!
It all depends where you’re standing! Calogrenant, OK.
Where’s Leodegan? By the forest, after the clearing
with the loaf-shaped stone. That’s pro! I understand. Where will Calogrenant come from? – The river, left of…
– Careful… – By the river where the sheep cross.
– All right. I’m ready for the invaders! They’ll feel my sword in their ribs! I can’t wait! They’ll meet the Welsh southpaw! – Southpaws are left-handed.
– Yes. – You’re not.
– I am. You drew with your right hand. What’s the opposite of a southpaw? – There isn’t one.
– A northpaw? The Welsh northpaw?
Want me to look stupid? Sir Percival! They’ve decided on the signals. So? Left hand, a salvo of arrows, right to send in the lancers. One day, I’ll burn your family
to a crisp. – Out with the light.
– I’m still reading! The castle’s broke.
We’ve to save torches. The servants, not us. We leave them in the dark
to save money? They work like dogs and sleep like logs.
They don’t need light. They can’t read anyway. You’re not exaggerating? It’s catastrophic! We’re potless! The coffers are empty. You can see the bottom! I thought we were being careful! Do you know how much we spend
on banquets, balls, decoration and furniture? I can confirm that the money spent on official receptions is nothing
to that squandered on defence. Just because I bought
3 catapults last month! – 3 catapults? You’re crazy!
– Needs must. That’s why we only had asparagus to give
the Vandal princes. Asparagus is fine. On it’s own it looks a bit cheap. If they say King Arthur’s broke
and only serves asparagus all our enemies will besiege us! With the 3 catapults in the courtyard, they’d better come well-armed! Money comes, money goes.
Never panic! Is he here to recite maxims? I thought he might be able
to give us a hand out. A small handout, maybe. I don’t see how a slave trader can solve our financial problems. Me neither.
Thinking of buying the castle? No, but I’d make you a good offer. I need a big place to store my Chinks! Do we really have to speak
to this scum? Scum ready to bail you out.
Show some respect. Out with it. What can you do? Don’t take this the wrong way. Show him. It’s money. That’s right.
What do you think of it? Not much, seeing as it’s not mine! I’ve coffers full of it. With all the flesh he peddles
I’m not surprised. Take a good look.
What do you think? It’s money, with my mug on it! – They’re fake.
– I make them. What? You’re having me on? Good, aren’t they? How many do you want? I offer you dough
and you’re not happy! When did you start forging money? He’s helping to ruin the kingdom! Don’t fuss over a few coins! It’s only for my own use! I should lock you in a cage
until you decompose! I’m only trying to help! By creating inflation? Does it matter if it’s real or fake? I’ll do you a price. You’re selling them! It’s scandalous! Why make such a fuss! I’d like to see your face if he forged
your kingdom’s coins! I’ve Carmelide coins too. Everyone falls for them! Are there really fake Carmelide coins? Of course. I bought some! What? This is great! 15 coins for 50 fakes. Do the maths! With the pittance you give me I have to improvise. I met your wife this morning. – We had a long chat.
– Really? She’s down. She feels lonely. She’s never happy, that one. He spends lots of time with Demetra. He’s tired. She looks after him well. How long since he slept with you? No, that girl’s a real friend. I’m lucky to have her. You’ve got me, too. You’re not my friend, you’re my maid. Charming! My following, if you prefer. I’d prefer it if the King gave you… – Good day.
– Good day, Sir Lancelot. Would you leave us? If ever I forget I’m a maid, remind me! You talk of his needs. What of yours? – Mine?
– What do you need? For him to be happy. I give up! What can I say? I’m Queen! I do as I was taught: tend to the King’s needs. But you’re not tending very much. The girl’s very good. – And the others?
– Other what? Mistresses! Anna, the twins… They’re all charming, I’m afraid. It’s flattering if one’s husband
has an eye for beauty. In some far off countries
a man chooses a woman, weds her and stays with her his whole life. We’re civilised! We’re not savages. Imagine our men with one wife!
How would they look! I think it’s good. You’ve no wife at all.
That’s even better. They say I’m faithful. – They don’t say that.
– What do they say? You’ve never been seen
with a woman. People say lots of things, but not that you’re faithful. If you don’t have a wife,
who are you faithful to? It’s stupid! I love someone in secret.
I’m hers until I die. Why secret? You’re not bad looking.
Don’t give up. She’s the wife of a very important man, who’s also a dear friend. That’s different. You’re an odd one, choosing the one woman
you can’t have! “The heart has its reasons…” It can’t be easy though. I find pleasure in wandering alone. That’s lucky. You know the law: friend or not,
if you want someone’s wife… I have to kill him? That’s right! I have to kill him, and then… Go and talk to the lady! I don’t know! Sort yourself out!
We all have our problems. – What’s wrong?
– What does he want? I… I what? Have you gone crazy? I heard a noise. There’s no noise here. Wash your ears out
and let me have my bath! He’s starting to piss me off. If he had a bird, he’d be less tense! The scouts were sure
the Vandals would be here! I can’t see them. We were to clash in the forest! For a clash, it’s pretty quiet. We missed them! They’re not here. They skirted us and went east. You know the danger? We’ve messed up, as usual! This is different! They’re heading for Kaamelott
and we’re not there! If we’d known,
we’d have stayed at home! – It was to surprise them.
– It worked! You’re a strategist now? The danger is they attack Kaamelott
while it’s undefended and lay into our families. I don’t have a family. We left Percival
in charge of the guard. We really need to get a move on! So, I go ahead with 2 scouts. I protect you from rearguard. I invoke a wall of fire by the canal. You force them across the bridge. And we catch them on the other side. Game over! The only thing is… Damn! – What is it?
– Hear that? What, the wolf? – That’s bad!
– You’re afraid of wolves? Aren’t you pals? A 12 year-old female’s been
wounded in a rock fall. A damaged leg and pelvis! Are you nuts? – He just told me!
– Who? The wolf! You heard him! A wolf howls and you know
it’s name, age and eating habits? Do we look stupid? I couldn’t hear if she was limping… – What about us?
– Be quiet! Yes, it’s a fracture. I’m going. To tend to the wall of fire? No, the wolf.
Stop the Vandals some other way. You can’t let us down!
They’ll pulverise Kaamelott! Sorry, I have my priorities. Tending some mutt’s paw? A soldier would swing for this! But I’m a Druid. That’s how it is. Wolves come first, day, night, frost or flood. – It’s unreal!
– You can help your wolf tomorrow! It’s orders! I do as I’m told! My Gods will strike me down
if I disobey! Disobey us and see what happens! We can get mad, too! Do as you like, I’ve a wolf to help.
Good luck. What do I do? I can’t fill him full of arrows. The Vandals are wrecking the castle… And we’re here, like idiots! Isn’t that them? They didn’t skirt us! What a relief! We needn’t have worried. – Let’s go!
– Do we yell or not? Yes. It’s much more stylish. For the 5th time, get up! Can’t. I’ve earache. Hurry up!
Reheated venison haunch is foul! Now, listen. I gave Yvain a seat at the Round Table. – Luckily!
– The least you could do. Such gratitude! I threw
Agravain out to give him a place. You benefited from that. My son’s nothing like that idiot! No. Agravain was useful! In what way? – He joined in!
– What a hero! And he is? He never makes a sound! Apart from that. – Maybe he’s nothing to say.
– Anything to say? – No.
– There. He doesn’t blather on.
He’s well brought up. This isn’t a barbeque! He’s meant to participate in
the Grail Quest! He is participating! Just because he’s not
shouting all the time! How can I tell?
He doesn’t talk or move, he sulks, he rolls his eyes
when spoken to… There he goes! He’s sensitive. You want him
to hold farting contests? Is that the only alternative
to doing nothing? It’s your fault,
making him play the lute… He’s an artist.
He writes wonderful poems. That’s great! Fantastic! Kids don’t want to sit at a table
chewing the fat! So why get him a place
at the Round Table! He’ll wake up when it’s time to fight! I won’t fight. – What?
– What? I won’t support
a territorial expansion policy I consider to be unlawful. This is your doing! I’ll break
that lute of his over his head! It’s my head you’re doing in! Be proud your son’s not an oaf! 3 months naked in the woods,
eating maggots will cure him of poetry! So much for education! You need some time together
to work this out. In the meantime,
I’ll get Agravain back… Fight or else! I don’t respond to violence. Only go and die if you want to! Keep out of this! He’ll go to battle! – No, I won’t.
– You will! OK, I’ll go. I should think so! But I won’t carry weapons. I’m not pregnant. Sorry, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing an heir this time. Your brother won’t bear arms
you won’t bear an heir… What’s it to do with my brother? I know what I mean. You’re lucky. It’s lovely. What’s it called? A dubbing ceremony. Another tongue-twister! What would you call it? They could have found
something else. I don’t know… Knightification. Is that in use? It’s a crap name
but a cool ceremony. A knight joins the Round Table family. The tap on the shoulder
gets me every time. Go if you’re not interested! I am! I said it was moving! Shut up, then! Did people talk when you were being dubbed? – When I was what?
– Dubbed! I didn’t have that. What do you mean? The mass, the sword all that…
it didn’t happen in my day. – Is he there or not?
– I’m looking! Not being dubbed wouldn’t matter. – Wouldn’t matter?
– What it I’m not? You’re no longer a knight! That would be a blow. The law is clear:
to be a knight you have to be dubbed. Meaning? Without it, you’re not a knight! Without a sword, maybe… It’s not about swords.
You could carry a soup spoon, it’s a requirement of being a knight! Requirement?
And the meetings? Only knights can attend them! We could just dub him now? Don’t worry about me. – We’re not!
– What? If people hear any oaf
can sit at the Round Table half Britain will be here tomorrow! What’s it to do with Britain? Bors, Calogrenant, Dagonet, Lancelot, Leodegan. It’s not under L. M, P! Is he there or not? I’ve no Percival registered here. – Look under G.
– Gerceval? Percival of Galles. Galahad, Gawain. Not under G either. – Under F?
– F? Have we looked there yet? I can’t read! I’ll dub you now then it’s done. The regulations… Stuff the regulations… Let’s go! “God dub thee Knight “for your honour and lineage.” There we are, done and dusted! It’s lovely. And so he dubbed me! I should do it one day. On the other hand, “dubbed” isn’t a very nice word. I keep saying, they should call it Knightification. Isn’t the King joining us today? Do you miss him? I thought you’d be happy. I am. I can’t stand him!
But it’s not done! Daughter, your room was lit up last night. It’s always the same! This was at 4am! The torches burn all night!
They’re renewed every day. It’s a habit we’ve got into. I know.
And you don’t want to say. – You’re ashamed.
– What? You don’t know, but you’ll like this! Tell me, dammit! We should keep it to ourselves! I won’t tell anyone. – Your son-in-law.
– Yes? He’s afraid of the dark! I think we’re done here. – I think so.
– Any questions? I have a suggestion. What kind? An idea for a quest. That’s interesting. A spontaneous idea. I suggested the Irish Witch! Because she jinxed you! I still suggested it! This isn’t personal is it? No, it’s a real quest!
All of us together! As you like it: comradeship, solidarity, courage… the whole works! I’ll add it to the agenda. We’re listening. Tell me if I’m wrong, but our thing is hunting down Chaos,
demonical beasts and all that junk? Those are our prerogatives. Well, then, I’ve information about a tunnel. It’s not exactly next door, but it’s infested with Skavens. With…? – Skavens. Rat men.
– Degenerate beings! They’re not very nice. Are we up to it? It’s not women’s work. But there’s one good thing: Skavens can’t stand light. It drives them mad!
They see a torch, they attack! What can we do? Simple. We go in with the torches out. Of course it’s interesting! But is it a priority? Can it wait? Should it go on the back burner
for a while? Just say my ideas stink! Killing some rat men
will get us moving! Even without torches,
God will light the way to thank us for hunting his enemies. There’s that, too! Maybe we don’t all need to go. Yes, everyone! The A team! Let’s not get carried away. I’ve an idea that may help. Merlin’s Night-vision Potion. One sip, you can see in the dark
for 5 hours! without torches. We’ll get him to make a vat! We leave at dawn. OK? You always have to ruin everything! You have to put out your torch! It reeks of skaven. They’ll see us! Just a few more seconds. You can see fine with the potion. I’ll put it out. You see much better with the torch. There’s bird shit on your floor.
It’s foul. – It’s when I turn into an owl.
– You what? I feel free, I fly around.
I let myself go. Where did this come from? I don’t know, but please put it out. Why? It’s sweet. It’s horribly dirty. Cats are clean.
They’re always washing. They walk on the ground
with their paws! You too! I don’t throw you out of bed. Get that animal out. It’s bothering me! – It’s a pity. It’s happy here.
– Please! – Shift it yourself!
– It’s disgusting! All this fuss over a little pussy-cat! Can’t you see, I don’t like… Change into whatever you like, just don’t loll about on my bed! When I’m a cat I like what cats like!
Cushions, fires… Become something else! It’s cat week. It’s not up to me. It’s unintentional? Yes, it’s a Druid thing.
This week’s devoted to the Cat Spirit. Sharpen your claws somewhere else. – Got it?
– But why? You hear us talking,
watch my wife undress… – It ends tomorrow.
– It’s finished? Then it’s spider week. It’s unreal! It’s 2 weeks running. You’ll yomp up my walls! No, when I’m a spider I stay in my lab. Spiders set people off.
Accidents can happen. You don’t come out at all? – I favour safety.
– What do you eat? – Midges.
– How silly of me. I spin a web from the shelf
to the sill… I get the picture! – The sparking cat is still here?
– Yes. – So, that’s Merlin?
– Yes. – You’re not stroking it any more?
– No. Did you tell Merlin I can’t stand cats? You can tell him yourself! I’m not talking to a cat! – It’s Merlin.
– I’ll look like an idiot. In front of who? I’m used to it! – In front of him!
– The cat or Merlin? I don’t know! He’s just as annoying
whether he’s a cat or himself. The Merlin-cat’s not here tonight? That was last week. What are you doing? There was a huge spider on the bed! When you squashed it, did it sparkle? – Who’s the next grievance?
– Guethenoc. Again? He comes twice a week! Hicks always gripe. We’re catapult training,
one starts yelling, ” My chicory!” . We fired a rock at him.
That shut him up! Good King, may I introduce
my daughter, Madenn. Delighted. Although, you already know her
quite well! You swore you’d be courteous. And in my condition, standing’s tiring. Your daughter’s sick? – Pregnant, Sir Lancelot
– Pregnant! Pregnant as can be!
The dishonour! The shame! When you’re out of synonyms,
get me a chair. – Guards, a chair for Madam!
-” Miss”. ” Miss”, and proud of it!
I’m not too bothered. I’ve reason to believe
the kiddy’s of royal blood. – What?
– Father! Absolutely! A chair’s no good!
She needs sheets and hot water! I don’t mind joining your family,
Sire… These are serious insinuations! Withdraw your claim
and apologise to the King. Unless… You know you can tell me anything… – I don’t know the girl!
– Lies! My father is convinced it’s yours because you spoke to me at a hop. A wink, the magic flute,
3 months later, bang! A guy turns up with a pregnant daughter
after every hop I go to! Why don’t you give
the real father’s name? I don’t want trouble.
He’s married with a good job. King of Britain’s not a bad job! Drop it! It wasn’t me! – It’s not him!
– And the wink? – I’ve never been to a hop!
– Yes, you have! You gently took a ladybird
from my hair and asked if it was my sister? That’s nice. It’s rubbish! Hopeless! It’s very elegant. Elegant! I’ll give you ladybirds! I demand compensation! That was all that happened
between the King and I. You have no proof or witnesses.
Leave the room! I’m sorry for all the fuss. You know peasants.
His mules are less stubborn! At a hanging, I once said
to a girl, ” Know the prisoner?”. She was his sister!
Some chat up line! Is it mine? – Of course it is!
– I knew it. I didn’t want to bother you. My wife would have made a fuss.
She’s never happy. Nothing doing for her? It’s my fault. I can’t face it! Perhaps it’s a girl! No, he’s well to the front. Have some money. No, my father’s rolling in it. A gift for the baby.
Put it in his crib. Look. I killed an Ostrogoth chief with that! – I have to go. Bye!
– Bye. What are you smiling about? Nothing. It’s the Duchess of Winchester’s baby. What a monster! When we have our own I won’t be feeding it at 1am! I’m not a cow! Why are you sighing? Tomorrow we fight the Saxons. – Really?
– We leave at dawn. Fine. I’m not sure we’re up to it. – Really?
– No. I don’t know if we’ll come back. That’s war. Glad to see you’re not panicking. What are those stupid Saxons doing? It was set for dawn! We said it would be over by lunch. All dressed up and no one to fight!
What do we look like? I said dawn.
I could have said any time. You could be more precise! It’s an estimate! The Saxons
crossed the border 2 nights ago. They should have been here at dawn. Maybe they’re lost?
They’re far from home. Or the scouts were drunk. They’re not here, anyway. The men have started eating
tonight’s rations. -What?
– No! They’ve got their bowls out. It’s a bit much! – They can’t hear.
– They’re eating. Parp your horn. I’ve the most undisciplined army
in history! Not undisciplined.
They’re stupid but they’re good guys. We drill them on awaiting orders and they chow down on the battlefield. – It’s not a battlefield yet.
– True. Luckily! If the enemy turns up now,
we’ll look great picnicking on the grass! Let them eat. What harm can it do? Eating’s important. – No one’s bothered but me?
– About what? Our crack troops chowing down! They’ll start grilling chops soon! – The men are lighting fires.
– What are they doing? They’re doing what I said! They may not be chops. I think it’s chicken, Sire. Chicken and mushrooms. – Parp it!
– What are you doing? Sounding the alert! Why? There’s no enemy. – I’m calling them to attention!
– Why? In case someone turns up. Blow! Red and black flags in a V. – They’re not moving.
– They don’t understand. – They never understand the code.
– What do we do? Maybe if we sound the call to eat
they’ll fall in. It’s strange the Saxons aren’t here. The river’s high.
Maybe they took a detour. They’ll have stopped to eat. What if they don’t come? They will! The scouts are sure. We’ll wait an hour then pack up.
That’s enough. 50 cavalrymen north, northwest! – It’s them!
– I’m still eating! No, it’s Calogrenant.
I got him in as backup. – That’s Calogrenant?
– Backup? What for? – I erred on the generous side.
– No kidding. Ask if he brought any plonk. So, you came back. Without a scratch.
I knew I needn’t worry. I don’t blame you. It would have been pointless. Even we weren’t that worried. The Egyptians fled at dawn.
The camp’s empty. They ran away, the cowards! Salvage any weapons or horses? They took everything. I found this. Funny crossbows they have. Where’s it from? Egypt. Why are you playing it? I like it. I mean, why are you playing it now? – I don’t know. It’s a serenade.
– A…? Serenade. To seduce you. Why bother? I’m here already. I get it. The first time we met it was,
“Your room, tonight!” . Now you’re seducing me
with a mandolin! It’s an oud. – Don’t you like it?
– It’s so sad. Sad? Why? It makes me think
of those far from home. Who? People forced off their land, who take to the road
to flee oppression. What are you on about? When you’re uprooted half of you is left behind. You haven’t been uprooted! That music reminds me of Carmelide,
where I was born, the wind in the willows,
playing in the snow by Hadrian’s Wall… You go back twice a month.
You came here to be Queen. You didn’t take to the road
to flee oppression! It makes me sad.
I don’t have to explain it! – Should I stop?
– No, go on. Can’t you stop thinking of Carmelide? I wasn’t. The music
makes me think of puppies. – Puppies?
– Yes. Little baby puppies are so fragile! So? They face life so bravely! – Won’t you play?
– No, I’m fed up. Why? He was bad enough
without the guitar! We’ll get no grandson like this. This is the limit! The Saxons are about
to raze the country and he’s playing music! Wimp! Power was thrust upon him.
He’s not up to it! All for pulling a sword out of a stone! You couldn’t do it. If I had, I wouldn’t be playing
the fiddle now! I’ve had enough!
Give it a rest! There! Anger always gets results. Yes, he’s the one
who drew out the sword. Like the snow in the wind… Thank you, that’s enough. Hop it, you’re annoying me. There’s never any peace! Remember when the Saxons
thrashed us? – In the forest?
– No, in the spring. Yes. So? It really got me down. It was a real blow. – My flask just disappeared.
– Wasn’t it a gift? – From my grandma when I was 1 1 .
– Tough! What exactly is the problem? The same people always do
the dirty work. I don’t understand. When it’s chatting up the girls, there are volunteers a-plenty. I was paying your respects
to the princess! But who gets to fix peace treaties
with the Visigoths? Must you argue constantly
over nothing? Peace treaties are nothing? This is the Round Table.
It’s time you stood together. These meetings are sacred! They’re to unite us against evil. Nothing should come between us! Sorry, I can’t stay. Gran fell in a cowpat.
She’s in the shit. To work. Take our minds off things. – What’s on the agenda?
– Nothing. Nothing? It’s full moon.
We usually have the day off. Hold it! Calm down. A day off? It’s in the new chivalry code. New code? You wanted the old one revamped.
Sir Leodegan and I… It was in ancient Celtic.
Hard going! I wanted it translated, not revamped! When we translated it,
it said “day off’. If you don’t like it, you’ll have to
negotiate with these guys! Negotiate what? Before they understood the code,
we could say anything. Now it’s been translated, it’s breaks here, days off there, “This is intolerable!”
“We have our rights!” There’s nothing to negotiate.
I put layabouts to work! Sit down! What the hell’s going on? It’s the translation of Article 13: If a knight is scorned in a meeting, he can use his ” right to clear off’. ” Right to clear off”? I agree, it’s not the best translation. Doesn’t this new translation
have to be ratified by me? Ratified? I meant “validated” . Of course! If I refuse to sign… We go back to the old translation. Before you decide,
look at the good points. The good points? The new code
gives them more breaks, but they’re fresher!
I’m thinking of battles. They’ll be wanting breaks
during battles next! It’s happened? Article 16, paragraph 4. Concerning the length of breaks
during… Now we’ve heard the
new code’s good points, we can go back to the old one. Aren’t we entitled to that in Article 7? Father Blase, Article 7 please. Clear now? – We’re not, then?
– Do you want it again? No, I trust you. You don’t like them,
just grin and bear it. The people will get to see you. Executions aren’t public now. They’re private.
Leodegan, Lancelot, Father Blase. I’d chosen my outfit!
I was looking forward to going out! Tidy your hair, for later. – What’s happening?
– The hanging! It looks like you did it yourself! I did do it myself! Do it again. – I won’t be at the hanging.
– What? – I’m not going.
– Are you ill? What will people say? Neither the King, you, me,
or anyone else will be there. Have you gone mad? The King has decided
to stop public hangings. Who does he think he is?
500 years we’ve had them! He always has to change things! He’s King. He decides. This is ridiculous! He may not like hangings,
but why spoil other people’s fun? You’re missing the sense of theatre! I’ve never liked executions,
public or otherwise. -Really?
– Why not? I don’t know. I can’t say why. I’ll tell you. We must be
the last country to practise hanging. And hangings are boring. It’s justice. The result’s the thing. He’s right. It takes hours, the guy hardly
moves his toes! What’s that? A hanging. What do you expect?
Dancers and a bear tamer? It’s sober and solemn. Perfect! Take the wheel! That’s fun. The guy’s tied on,
his limbs are broken, everyone joins in the beating. It’s convivial! – It’s atrocious.
– Not at all! It’s bad. This is a modern country. It’s crime-infested! No one’s afraid! Who’s put off by hanging?
Whereas quartering… That’s great! No, it’s really bad. You never know
which limb will come off first! Yes! It looks good!
What would make you happy? I’ll tell you. This may seem stupid, but imagine we were the only country to no longer sentence people
to death. Wild! My coach is leaving in an hour. We have to wind this up.
No time for nonsense. One day we should go to Gaul
together. We might get a few ideas. Ideas for what? Executions. – You’re crazy!
– Don’t be stubborn! Me? I hate executions,
so we go to Gaul! Just to take a look. I hate travelling.
If it’s to see guys being topped… If we’re to maintain our supremacy we need spectacular executions.
You can’t avoid it! I can. I’m going to declare Britain the first country to abolish
the death penalty! No, I know… It just came out. I won’t do it. I just like the idea. Otherwise, why not tie up the prisoner and toss him into a hornet’s nest?
It’s clean, healthy and completely natural. So? The death penalty stays. You accepted it? I had no choice. It would have been classy. The people “aren’t ready for it” . It’s a puzzling idea, no death penalty. It’ll happen. Trust me. In 5 or 10 years,
only barbarians will have it. What is it now? Your new mistress is here. Good. Do I look…? Something wrong? I didn’t say a thing. It’s fine… Why am I here? Your name’s Azenor? You were at the 4 Forests Fair? You were lucky enough
to meet King Arthur. I brought him some grapes. We talked a bit… – A fruitful encounter!
– Stop it… I’m pleased to name you King Arthur’s new mistress. You’re a woman of great importance! Congratulations! No thanks. You don’t decline this offer. It’s been decided. Never mind. It doesn’t matter! Young lady, may we ask what’s wrong
with you today? Nothing. I’m fine! I refuse to prostitute myself. Who mentioned that? After the King,
you get passed around. It’s not like that… You’re not being offered a job as a table dancer! Girls would sell their mothers
for this honour! That’s up to them.
Sorry Sire, I don’t know you. And physically, you’re nothing to write home about. You’re no woodcut yourself! You’re asking me! Not asking, ordering. If she isn’t keen, forget it. If you really don’t mind… It all depends what
you mean by “choose” . How many “lucky” official
mistresses are there? 100? 200? – No!
– Poor girl! You’re away with the fairies! 6 or 7, no more. – No more?
– No, my dear. You really did choose me? Yes. We laughed together. You brought me grapes.
I joked about… It’s stupid out of context. If I agree, what can’t I do? You can do as you like. Who gives the orders? No one. The Queen. She’s OK. And if I have a ” headache”? Then we don’t do it. What if I get bored one day? – Can I leave?
– It’s not a prison. I’ve 4 kids. Can I bring them? Of course, with pleasure. All right, I’ll stay. Otherwise, could I become Queen? Not really. Unless the Queen dies. Does it have to be
from natural causes? I’m not really sure. Why? We’ll see about that later. Your new mistress is very pretty. Thank you. You always manage to be with beautiful women! Something to say? I didn’t say a thing! Don’t be paranoid! It’s either 10 acres chicory,
the rest barley, or no barley and all chicory. Do as you like. All chicory, you have to like the stuff. Go for chicory. Bye, Guethenoc. Good luck for the battle.
Hope your men are brave! Brave? Tend your chicory
and watch your lip! They’re listless.
What have they eaten? A frugal meal of cornbread
and dried meat. Frugal? They’re trailing about! If we’re frugal and starve them they eat all the berries they find. They end up getting bloated. We must do something!
This is crazy! – Unless they perk up…
– Don’t worry. Might we still win? No! I mean we shouldn’t worry
any more than usual. We’ll get thrashed. They’re bloated from eating berries. If they weren’t,
they’d still be useless. We can’t blame the berries. – What’s the problem?
– They’re listless. That’s normal. Spare us your comments! Can you do something? You’re joking! Like what? Something to perk them up. I could do a Rage spell. A what? A Rage spell. It’ll make them angry
for 10 minutes. That could be good… Isolate our lads while I cast the spell
or I’ll enrage the enemy too. Sire?
Sound the horn. Flags, in an inverted V! They’re not regrouping. – They don’t get it.
– What are they doing? That was the signal to regroup? They don’t know it.
They only know “retreat” ! Cast your spell anyway! The enemy will be enraged too! They already are! It’ll make it even. This is a mistake. The Rage spell’s heavy stuff. Guys eat their own arms in anger! Cast it. They can eat each other. At least something will be happening. Are they still limp or is it me? Not limp but… You could hardly say “enraged” . They’re slightly crabby now. You’ve got them sulking.
Victory is nigh! Wait for it to take effect! Isn’t that better? Something’s stirring. They’re getting mad. It’s working! They’ve never been so ferocious! The enemy are worked up, too! They’re heading for us! – Who?
– All of them! OK, time to go! Retreat! Get out of here! It’s true, we’ve a surplus, but chicory’s tasty! Brown it in lard… It’ll encourage people to eat it.
You can go. Just one thing. No one’s quite sure if you won or lost the battle? It depends. Our soldiers won it, but we got our arses whupped! Get up! No lying in bed today! What’s that terrible smell? Last night, Gawain and I burned our leg hairs with a candle. Why, you nitwits? Leg hairs suck! We’re here to calmly discuss a suggestion made by my nephew,
Gawain, concerning a collaboration with Yvain. Right? – That’s right, Uncle.
– Fine. Yvain, I know you less,
we’re not related, I’d like to know… – He’s your brother-in-law.
– What? I’m the Queen’s brother. It’s true. I keep forgetting. Would you, Yvain, be interested in forming what we might call a “knights’ partnership”
with your amigo. – Meaning?
– What I just said. Say it again? They’re not very bright. You’d like to go on adventures
with Gawain? That would be awesome! Fine. Regarding my nephew,
who’s my ward, I agree in principal
to his taking part. But for you,
it’s only normal that I call in your… Parents! So they can give their consent. So, do you agree? I knew it. I see. May I ask why? 2 arseholes
are no more efficient than 1 . Apart from that? Put him with someone,
but someone more mature. Teach him the ropes. A tough nut
who’ll ignore his moaning. Your nephew’s fine,
but no smarter than Yvain. Uncle, didn’t you say,
there’s nothing like friendship? That in times of trouble it’s one’s only mainstay? It’s possible. I remember. Sometimes I try to explain things
in a way… But this is real.
You’re two young men… – Two idiots.
– No. Two inexperienced knights… Two idiots! Maybe! I don’t know! I’m going to use
my supreme power to authorise a trial period. Let me finish! During which… …they will distinguish themselves
by a feat of arms or a quest bringing prestige
to the Round Table. It’s decided! – And we can shut up?
– For once. – They can’t even ride.
– Ride a horse? Ours can’t even count! Me neither! You’ll learn on the job! Are there any questions? Take your time. Can we drink cider? There you are. Try to hurry. Gawain’s waiting with the horses. I’m coming… What did you do with your shield? I’m not taking it, shields suck!