*WHOOOOOO-PAH* TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA LADDIES MY NAME IS JACKSEPTICEYE And welcome back to Paint the Town Red! I’m gonna play some more user created levels ’cause they were super fun last time so I downloaded a bunch – I’m probably not going to get through all of these in this episode *inhales* I will TRY because I’m AWESOME at killing people and I’m gonna do it really well but this first one I wanted to try out was Skyrim: DRAGON’s Reach the – the little UGHHH The KEEP I guess from Skyrim. I wanted to play it because it looked really cool. And I wanted to see how accurate it is to the actual place. C’mon LOAD! I mean it’s PRETTY accurate It’s not PERFECT UMM Jarl? Oh Jesus I thought this was a bon fire. It’s actually just a whole thing of f- baseball bats. Okay! EVERYBODY listen up! Let’s make this easy on ourselves and all just kill yourselves now. OTHERWISE, I’m gonna have to do it and you’re ALL gonna die. Any – any takers?! Nope! Well, fine then. Look at the fuckin’ dragon skull that’s up there Oh that’s cool! It’s actually made out of different things like different weapons. Can I take your weapon? And this is all baseball bats all around here. Your chair is made out of baseball bats! That’s super clever! Hi 🙂 How’ everybody doin’ – oooooh I’m goin’ downstairs *nervous inhale* NOPE! No I’m not! Can I buy some magic off you? No? *click* Man, I’m tryin’ to get a – a lay of the land before I start this because shit is gonna go WAY down! WAY quick! Can I open this? Can I get out? Ooooooh I want this one! Can I have this one? You guys are on MY side, so we’re gonna have to stick together okay? Are you ready?! Are you ready? – SHOW ME YOUR GAME FACE! *Battle growl* First thing’s first: we have to kill the man in charge Hello! FUCK YOU! Ooookay! GAME ON BITCHES! It’s time tah…go to work! Okay, nobody’s dyin’! OW! Okay. OH! FUCK! OOOOH BIG Mama Llama! Geez, you guys are kickin’ FUCKIN’ ASS down here! *Clank* That’s what Jack like to see! WHA-DOOSH! Aaaaaokay! Maybe shouldn’t’ve gone for the big guys first! Maybe should’ve paced myself! Pick up this! YEEEEEAH! Fuck yeah! Took off his fuckin’ head! KILL ‘IM! Fuck ‘im up! He only has one arm! *laughing* Oh my God! I didn’t even know that could happen – OH JESUS! Was that the Jarl’s head? Oh, wait, no, that was one of my guys! Fuck! There he is – he’s dead Son of a bitch! I’LL TEACH YOU HOW THE KING OF THIS LAND IS! Here we go. Poke! Poke! Poke-poke! *laughing* Ooh! Can I go upstairs? “Shock wave r-r-r-ready”! Fuckin’ cutlasses bro Why do you have cutlasses?! We’re not pirates! GERONIMOOOOOOOOOO! I’ll come and save you! Stab! Stab! Stab! STAB! *laughing* Stab! Work the crowd! Work the – that’s what every – FUCK! That’s what every good host does, you get in, you work the crowd! You just around and stabbin’ “Hey. How’s it goin’? Nice – nice to see ya! Thanks for comin’ out!” *CLANK!* Sweet mother of God! Look at all my friends! All my friends have come out to help me today! LET’S TAKE IT BACK BROTHERS! FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! FIGHT ‘TILL YOUR LAST BREATH! Also, run away slightly if you have tuh There’s no shame in it He- Hell I’m fuckin’ doin’ it! Just get in there, poke a face AAAAAH! Do like – do like Lady Gaga and poker face AAAAH! These guys are hard They’re strong I don’t like them Die BEETCH! WHOOO! Nice! *Skyrim Theme plays* Fuckin’ “shock wave ready” Are you all ready…for this?! *”Dragonborn!”*
*”FUS-RO-DAH!”* YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS! Fuck! That didn’t work well! RUN AWAY! I thought I was Dragonborn! FUUUCK! The Dragonborn wouldn’t do that! The Dragonborn would be like: “OD AH VIING!” And then your dragon friend would come in and kill them all for ya But do I have a dragon friend? *sassy* NOOOOOOO Prick! (gay Scottish accent) Are you enjoying a mug of ale, mate? *Clang* Fuck you! OH GOD half his face came off! Da’s what I like a-see! *laughing* Jesus Christ! GO BROTHERS! GO! TAKE BACK THE KEEP! Faaack! I lost my shit! Ah! I punched him to death! Strong fist! But you know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna go back here…and get another one! Tink. Tink! “Shock wave r-r-ready” Oh wait, it’s probably not in my best interest to actually *CLANG* trigger the shock wave *CLING* because when you do that then you aggro all the dudes onto you *tink* Aha! Tactics! Brains! Something you guys don’t have anymore – ’cause they’re all over the wall! NO! Are you dead?! Brother! Get up and fight once more! YES! He’s not down True warriors never die! KILL ‘EM! Knock off his fuckin’ hands! YEAH! *Skyrim Theme starts* That’s how I fight: dirty and down in the ditch ‘Kay. Eeeeeuh!
*”Dragonborn”* *”FUS RO DA-” fart* Everybody get along! I like how nobody protects your king, your Jarl Everybody’s just here – hello *laughing* You mind if I explode your servants’ heads in front of you? No? You’re good with that? Okay…… *laughing* Imma just hang out up here with you! You’re a chill motherfucker. And I’m gonna fuckin’ die again Ooooooh yeah! Imma wait for Smite I thing that’s a good thing CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?! STOP THE SENSELESS FIGHTING – you can, you can – FUCK! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! (Referencing Prop Hunt) *leans in* It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fuckin’ fine. Don’t even worry about it. (It’s clearly not fine) It’s fuckin’ fine. IT’S FINE!!! ‘Kay, I don’t like that level, it’s too, it’s too, it’s too much killing of me That’s something I REALLY don’t like This one is called: Castle Rush?……or something I fuckin’ said it at the start and I didn’t even see Just go back – rewi- rewind it back, show the bottom right *garbled rewind noises* *ding* *fast forward noise* There we go, that’s the name of the map So do I have to kill all ye fat bastards? Maybe……oooooooh chicken! Dudes! Let’s not fight – look, I got chicken! WOOSH! There you go. AND, I got beer! WOOSH! You guys not a fan of beer? Good Lord I can throw far! You wanna see how far I can throw this beer? Quick, hold my beer – wait…..I need to throw this one
*drunken grunts* Jesus Christ I’m not fuckin’ fightin’ you guys – I’m gonna be on a baseball team Okay, here we go. Spear….to the faces HOOWAAH! *instrumental surf rock music starts* THAT is a tonal shift! That is NOT what I expected! Okay, you’re dead! You’re dead! Ohhhh yes! They are going down hard! They are going down harder than your mother! OH! SICK! Sorry. Is your mother nice? I don’t fuckin’ know. How WOULD I know? All she does is b- buh- suck my dick! OH! *laughs* YOU GUYS are not VERY NICE! Oh, well it would seem that I’m not very nice either Nope! Nope! YEAH! Surfin’ U.S.A.! Who called the fuckin’ Beach Boys up in this? This is not the type of music I expected for this type of level You know what? I’m waitin’ for a shock wave! so that I can just fuck these guys off the edge And…….KYAP! Nice! WHOO! Niiiiii – da fuck! I didn’t kill anybody with that! AAAAH! DAAAAAH Jesus Christ you guys are fast! I don’t like it! OH YEAH Stab ’em in the faaaace! You else wants to go?! Do you want a little- tiny piece of Jack?! Nobody gets a tiny piece of Jack! It’s the full slice or nothing! *soft guitar* I’m enjoying this like – sick little guitar riff 🙂 *main chords start* WHOOOOOOOO! Fuck shit up time! *stoner voice* Ha ha! Fuckin’ suh dude! We got some fuckin’ kegs dude! Holy balls! Okay, okay. WHOOOOO! That did not kill half as many of them as I had hoped it would. WUH! Awwnh! Why aren’t you guys dying fast? *girly scream* AYEE! WOO! Fellas? Heh, we can talk about this… is this a pair of headphones? I don’t fuckin’ need headphones Okay, here’s an oar…woosh! and, uh, a sword… uuuh woosh! YEEEEAH! Doubaru Kiru! (Double Kill with Japanese accent) HOOH! Fack! Am I – uh, is it death up here if I go in? Ohh, euh, kinda Oh there’s a fuckin’ – there’s a kingpin in here Guys! Come jump on the beds with me! Hahaha ha ha! Su- fuckin’ assholes! Okay, okay Easy does it there Jackaboy! Easy does it! Shuriken! Can I kill him? Shuriken! (sure I can) *laughing* Pick up that ax! Fack! YUUUUH! Uh, these guys aren’t dyin’ as fast as I would like them to! They need to die at least double the rate that they’re dyin’ now! UH God right in his fuckin’ teeth! Dude THAT guy has an afro! That is not historically accurate! Let’s…….DOOOOOOOOOO THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS! WOOOOOOOH! BITCHES! Okay, that’s at least three of them gone. That’s nice! Are you dead? Now you are *laughing* Oh God! I feel bad. I’d feel bad if it didn’t look so cool! EH! Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me! I’m like a slice away from death! I’m like a slice of cake away from bein’ a dessert! Is this a fuckin’ toothbrush?! YEAH! Take that plaque! Uh, gingivitis! I’m not tryin’ to kill them, I’m tryin’ to kill their bad breath! NOOOOOOO! KILLED by the one true love that I have in this life! *inhales* A fuckin’ piece of chicken! You were supposed to help me! Give me protein and grow my muscles and bones! Wait…. Did that just say I killed 29 out of 76 enemies? (0_0) Where was the rest of them?! Off having pints! Oh, I’ll give you a pint! A pint (point) o’ me fuckin’ spear! In your FACE! DUDE! Dude that spear is O.P.! ‘Kay watch this – I used to throw javelin Watch… FUCKIN’ RECORD HOLDER! Oh that guy has one in his face Guess I’m better than I thought I was. WOOSH! I shouldn’t be THROWING weapons- ’cause they do more – they have more uses if I get in and actually try and kill people with them but THAT’S not THAT EASY – because there’s A LOT OF THEM ! And they like to fuuuck! *pause* shit up Nope! NO, NO! NO! I’m fuckin’ movin’ with the game and everything PICK UP THE AXE! Ooooooooooh testing my nipples! Oh God they’re all down! Oh they’re all here! OH they all want a piece! Guys, I KNOW I’m sexy as A.F. “Sexy as as fuck”. Yeah, yeah. Dumb as fuck as well F the fuck off! WAAOOH! Oh geez I sliced his head off! Oooooh! I mean – ohhh! I sliced his head in half! I don’t know what I’m expecting, but…. That’s awesome! This sword is cool! Woah God! And I was throwing these around last time like a fuckin’ gingerbread biscuit! Oh my God. Oh my God! That’s SO GROSS! But fuckin’ awesome! Not….. “also fucking awesome,” “BUTT fucking awesome!” Like “fucking you in the BUTT” awesome! Okay, now he’s dead. I didn’t think he died. Are you actually dead? I think he is. Who’s dead and who’s alive here? Raise your hand if you’re dead! They’re all still alive. Okay, see, now in MY mind, you’re the only one left, but I don’t trust that AW SHIT! AAAW SHIT! *laughing* That did NOT go well. Okay, AH it’s stuck in him! Dude at least pull it out! You’re fuckin’ freakin’ me out! *to the beat* This – is my jam! – You are going to die! – You look like you have – jam – all – on your eye! *falsetto* Stop- fuckin’ blocking things! He’s blocking things with his head! *laughs* Tink! *laughing* Tink! *laughing* Come on! Tink! Eh! Tink! Eh! *laughing* *tink* *tink* The sound of it is awesome! He’s just sittin’ there takin’ it! YEAH Fuck you! Gemmee back this awesome sword – Where is Everybody ELSE in this level? Oh, wait, there’s a door back here *music stops, restarts* Is there gonna be like 400 more of them? OHhh Jesus. AWH NO! COME ON! Oh, it’s Romans versus Pirates! Aw, I thought you’d fight each other. Why’re you all fightin’ me? Romans? More like No-man! OH YEAH this sword is fuckin’ BEASTLY! *WILHELM SCREAM* There’s fuckin’ dudes flyin’ out over other dudes! *shwing* NOOO! OH MY *agony noises* *dies* That was me dying Why am I not kickin’ people?! I have this wonderful ability to kick- the best in the land, and I’m not fuckin’ usin’ it! I have a great ability to FUCK SHIT UP as well! WOOOO Who wants to party with Jack?! Who wants to go – what was that sound? *kung-fu noises* Yeah, I haven’t even takin’ a hit yet! Haven’t even takin’ a hit….of cocaine neither! I’m just as fuckin’ eccentric anyway! Ok- orderly fashion! Can you all come down here – dude put some fuckin’ pants on! There we go! That’s how you clear out a fuckin’ fort! HEUH! A “fourth” of the enemies more like it, ha ha!
*canned laughter* OOAH! THERE WE GO! Dude I am muh – if – if ASS was a lawn I would be fucking mowing it right now! DUDE LOOK AT ME GO! I just SLAUGHTERED an entire VILLAGE’s worth of PEOPLE in like TWO SECONDS! I am the best! Doesn’t this sound like The Killers? Like Mr. Brightside or somethin’? Fuck – this guy is too strong. I don’t like him. Or his family. I said it! I didn’t want to have to say it, but I said it. Come on, BITCH! AH you have no fuckin’ mouth anymore! Mother- what does it take to kill you?! How can you even see were I am anymore?! All you are is a skeleton bones! Heh, *does Papyrus Voice* NYAH Hah HAH! DUDE! JUST DIE! Christ! Hello one and all. Okay, I wonder, can they come back out through here? Are you all, like, stuck here? You’re all stuck, aren’t you?! Dude, I can abuse the shit outta this! HI! EVERYBODY’S here to hang out! DAH FUCK! OW OW! I didn’t know you could hit me! I can fuckin’ hit right back! Right through the wall! OOOOOOW! MAAAN! You guys just all fight each other? YEAH Kill each other! Heh! Ni-hice! Imma just sorta sit up here and watch. Got myself a chair… ‘Kay, let’s get stuck in a little OOH! I lost my sword! OH I lost my sword! I really liked that sword! That’s the sword that I conquered a nation with! *schwing* NOHOHO! Fuck YOU dude! Oh I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, GO FUCK YOURSELF! ‘KAY WELL THAT DOES IT FOR THIS EPISODE OF Paint the Town Red! Didn’t finish either of those levels ’cause I’m STUPID! WHY DON’T I FUCKIN’ KICK PEOPLE?! Hu- I- I have a BEAUTIFUL kick, a beautiful swing, a strong calf and thigh but do I fuckin’ use it? *sassily* NOOO! I’d rather just sit here with my thumb up my arse pickin’ daisies! BUT ANYWAY THANK YOU GUYS so much for watching this episode. If you LIKED IT, Fuckin’ PUNCH THAT LIKE BUTTON IN THE FACE…. LIKE A BOSS!!! AND *sexily* high fives all around *WHOO-PEEESH* *WHOO-PEEESH* THANK YOU GUYS, AND I WILL SEE ALL YOU DUDES…… IN THE NEXT VIDEOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *”I’m Everywhere” by Teknoaxe plays* *music stops abruptly* It’s the last time I’m bringin’ you on holidays with us. You don’t deserve it!