-Hey, everybody, I was running
a bit behind today, so I thought, if you guys
wouldn’t mind, I’d just like to write out my weekly
thank-you notes right now. Is that cool with you?
[ Cheers and applause ] James, can I get some
thank-you-note-writing music, please? [ Soft music plays ] -Wow.
-It’s beautiful. -I guess he’s not live.
[ Music stops ] [ Soft music plays ] -Thank you, formal impeachment,
for sounding like a fancy dessert
you’d order in the South. I’ll have the
formal impeachment, and the lady will have
the chocolate Ukraine. [ Soft music plays ] Thank you,
Apple’s flagship store, reopening after renovations. I hope that turning
the store off and back on again fixed
the problem. “Thank you for waiting. Have you turned it off?” [ Soft music plays ] Thank you, props at
a wedding photo booth. You’re right —
the fanciest clothing I own does look better paired with a Viking helmet
and a mustache on a stick. Come on, man. -You’re dressed up.
Get out of here. [ Soft music plays ] -Thank you, meditation apps
that start free but then cost money. Who knew that charging
my credit card $12.99 a month was part of my path to
enlightenment? I think I feel less stress?
-Yeah. [ Soft music plays ] -Thank you, checking
the fridge over and over to see if I have
anything to eat, for making me ask myself, “Am I
really hungry enough to eat that Chinese food
for a fourth day?” It can’t be good.
There’s no way. -I’ll cut off the mold.
-Yeah. Eh, no one’s here. [ Soft music plays ] Thank you, hayrides,
for not going by your real name, allergy wagons. There you go. Those are my thank-you notes
right there, everybody.