PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD AN
OFFICIAL CALL WITH PUTIN TODAY. I HEAR THE CALL WAS TENSE, BUT
LET’S FACE IT. THAT’S HOW PERFORMANCE REVIEWS
USUALLY GO. ( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, ACCORDING TO REPORTS, THE TWO DISCUSSED
“THE PROSPECT OF COORDINATING EXPRUGZ U.S. ACTION.” OH, I THINK YOU’VE BEEN
COORDINATING FOR A WHILE. ACCORDING TO THE KREMLIN, WHEN
DISCUSSING NORTH KOREA, THE PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA CALLED FOR
RESTRAINT AND AN EASING OF TENSIONS. YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN
PUTIN IS THE VOICE OF RESTRAINT. “EH, DONALD MAKE YOU COULD COOL
IT WITH THE TWEETS. IT COMES OFF AS A LITTLE CRAZY.” ( APPLAUSE )
PUTIN FANS. A LOT OF PUTIN FANS HERE
TONIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE HERE IN AMERICA, TH REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS ARE
ATTEMPTING TO REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE
AGAIN, BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE MADE ANOTHER BIG PUSH, THEY’RE
ON THE VERGE OF LOSING THE HEALTH CARE VOTE. AGAIN? IT’S LIKE LOSING THIS VOTE IS
SOME KIND OF PRE-EXISTING CONDITION WITH THESE GUYS. MODERATE REPUBLICANS ARE NOT
VOTING FOR TRUMPCARE BECAUSE WHILE IT TECHNICALLY COVERS
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS, IT ALSO ALLOWS STATES TO APPLY FOR
WAIVERS THAT COULD GREATLY CHANGE THE COST AND QUALITY OF
THAT COVERAGE. SO IF YOU’VE GOT A PRE-EXISTING
CONDITION, YOU CAN TECHNICALLY GET HEALTH CARE. YOU JUST MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO
AFFORD IT. LIKE HOW I CAN TECHNICALLY
HIRE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN TO PLAY MY BIRTHDAY PARTY, BUT I
CAN ONLY AFFORD BRICE STRINGSTONE. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE IT WHEN HE PLAYS “THUNDER
LOAD.” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT YESTERDAY, ALABAMA REPRESENTATIVE MO BROOKS
EXPLAINED THAT TRUMPCARE IS JUST MAKING INSURANCE FAIRER.>>MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT IT
WILL ALLOW INSURANCE COMPANIES TO REQUIRE PEOPLE WHO HAVE
HIGHER HEALTH CARE COSTS TO CONTRIBUTE MORE TO THE INSURANCE
POOL THAT HELPS OFFSET ALL THESE COSTS, THEREBY REDUCING THE COST
TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO LEAD GOOD LIVES. THEY’RE HEALTHY. YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE DONE THE
THINGS TO KEEP THEIR BODIES HEALTHY. AND RIGHT NOW THOSE ARE THE
PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE THINGS THE RIGHT WAY THAT ARE SEEING THEIR
COSTS SKYROCKETING.>>Stephen: SO HE’S SAYING GOOD
PEOPLE ARE HEALTHY AND BAD PEOPLE GET SICK. WELL, THAT’S WHY BROOKS IS GOING
TO PUT THIS ON HIS TOMBSTONE– “I HAD IT COMING.” YOU’RE NOT ALIVE. YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING. WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO? SOMETHING. AND TRUMP’S NOT JUST TRYING TO
UNDO OBAMACARE. HE’S ALSO TRYING TO UNDO
OBAMALUNCH, BECAUSE HIS ADMINISTRATION IS ROLLING BACK
MICHELLE OBAMA’S PUSH FOR HEALTHIER SCHOOL LUNCHES.>>Audience: BOO!>>Stephen: YOU COULD TELL THIS
WAS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN THEY REPLACED HER WHITE HOUSE
VEGETABLE GARDEN WITH A NACHO BAR. THAT LOOKED GOOD. YOU GUYS REMEMBER LAST MONTH
WHEN TRUMP ORDERED A MISSILE STRIKE ON A SYRIAN AIR BASE? IT WAS THE MOST VIOLENT ASSAULT
ON A RUNWAY NOT ORDERED BY UNITED AIRLINES. ( APPLAUSE )
IT ALL– IT ALL– FRIENDLY SKIES. IT ALL WENT DOWN WHILE TRUMP WAS
DINING AT MAR-A-LAGO WITH THE PRESIDENT OF CHINA ENJOYING WHAT
TRUMP DESCRIBED AS THE “MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF CHOCOLATE
CAKE THAT YOU’VE EVER SEEN.” WHICH IS WHY THE MISSION’S CODE
NAME WAS “OPERATION DESSERT STORM.” ( LAUGHTER )
COULD BE A MISSPELLING. COULD BE A MISSPELLING. ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, WE JUST GOT NEW DETAILS FROM COMMERCE SECRETARY AND JEFF
DUNHAM PUPPET GONE ROGUE, WILBUR ROSS. ( LAUGHTER )
SECRETARY ROSS WAS SPEAKING AT A CONFERENCE YESTERDAY AND JOKED
THAT THE AIRSTRIKE “WAS IN LIEU OF AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT.” REALLY? WHAT WAS THE PLANNED
AFTER- DINNER ENTERTAINMENT? BUSBOYS FIGHTING IN THE
THUNDERDOME? STEVE BANNON UNHINGING HIS JAW
AND SWALLOWING REINCE PRIEBUS FEET FIRST? AND ROSS CONTINUED HIS WHITE
COLLAR COMEDY TOUR, SAYING, “THE THING WAS, IT DIDN’T COST
THE PRESIDENT ANYTHING TO HAVE THAT ENTERTAINMENT.” NOW, TECHNICALLY, YES, THE
MISSILE STRIKE WAS $82 MILLION. BUT REMEMBER, THAT’S FUNDED BY
TAXPAYERS. SO, YEAH, IT DIDN’T COST DONALD
TRUMP A DIME. OR DID IT? WE’LL NEVER KNOW. OH WHAT ELSE? TRUMP WANTS TO BE ABLE TO SUE
THE PRESS. HE WANTS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE
LAWSUITS OUT AGAINST PEOPLE WHO SAY THINGS ABOUT HIM. IN MARCH, TRUMP TWEETED,”THE
FAILING @NYTIMES HAS DISGRACED THE MEDIA WORLD. GOT ME WRONG FOR TWO SOLID
YEARS. CHANGE LIBEL LAWS?”
OF COURSE, TRUMP HIMSELF WOULD NEVER ENGAGE IN LIBEL. JUST ASK CROOKED HILLARY OR
LYIN’ TED. THERE’S ONLY ONE PROBLEM WITH
CHANGING THE LIBEL LAWS AS JONATHON KARL POINTED OUT TO
REINCE PRIEBUS ON LAST WEEK’S “THIS WEEK.”>>CHANGE THE LIBEL LAWS. THAT WOULD REQUIRE, AS I
UNDERSTAND IT, A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. IS HE REALLY GOING TO PURSUE
THAT? IS THAT SOMETHING HE WANTS TO
PURSUE?>>I THINK IT’S SOMETHING THAT
WE’VE LOOKED AT.>>Stephen: THEY WANT TO GET
RID OF THE FIRST AMENDMENT? STOP THE PRESSES! SERIOUSLY, STOP THE PRESSES. AND I CAN CONFIRM THAT THE
ADMINISTRATION IS LOOKING INTO CHANGE THE FIRST AMENDMENT
BECAUSE I HAVE TRUMP’S REWRITTEN VERSION OF THE CONSTITUTION
RIGHT HERE: “CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW
AGAINST RELIGION, EXCEPT FOR THE SCARY ONES, OR ABRIDGING THE
FREEDOM OF SPEECH, OR OF THE PRESS. UNLESS IT IS FAKE NEWS LIKE
FAILING ‘NEW YORK TIMES’! WATCH ‘FOX AND FRIENDS’!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SLOW THAT DOWN. SLOW THAT DOWN A LITTLE. OH, TRUMP ALSO HAS AN
INTERESTING TAKE ON THE THIRD AMENDMENT HERE. “NO SOLDIER SHALL, IN TIME OF
PEACE, BE QUARTERED IN ANY HOUSE, OR AT LEAST NOT IN
THE PREMIER SUITE OF AN INCREDIBLE TRUMP HOTEL. THE BEST. FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST
BEFORE 9:00 A.M. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ROOM
SERVICE.” ( APPLAUSE )
AND THIS SURPRISED ME. THIS NEXT ONE SURPRISE ME A LOT. TRUMP WANTS TO CHANGE THE SECOND
AMENDMENT TO: “BANG! BANG! BANG! PEW! PEW! BANG! BANG!”
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. AMY SCHUMER IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.