-A little more intense. (Ned screams) (Keith joins) -This is gonna be the greatest video you ever watch. (Ned screams more) (Screams dissolve into wailing) -I am going to recreate Ariel’s labor for 14 hours. KEITH: We’re gonna put Ned through the gauntlet. EUGENE: Three of us are basically gonna torture Ned for an entire day. KEITH: Through the actual labor that Ariel went through to have her darling little baby. ARIEL: It’s pain that you’ve never experienced before. NED: Pull over now!
KEITH: Okay, okay. KEITH: We’re gonna make Ned vomit! We’re gonna zap his belly for hours on end! We’re gonna get his crotch all wet! We’re gonna put him on a bed and pull his dick off! (Laughter) DR. BOHN: And then, at the end, we have to put big ice packs on your balls because you’re gonna be so swollen from pushing. (Wheezing) For the next 24 hours. (Laughter & clapping) – Yay! *upbeat intro music* ARIEL: Wesley James Fulmer is here! He’s born. He’s healthy. NED: The baby came early! I am officially a dad now. ARIEL: Wesley was born, uh, four weeks early, which was a little crazy. You know, childbirth is no joke! Your body is going through something that, like, it is made to do but it’s not made to do it, like, comfortably. -This was originally gonna be a video where all four of us go through eight hours of labor. But, now we have a little more of a personal angle. We want to try and understand what Ariel went through on the day of labor. -PUSH! HONEY, PUSH! (Rapid breathing) -Two years ago, we did a video to simulate the pains of childbirth. Today, we’re upping the ante. -No man has risen to the challenge of going through 14 hours of labor! We’re gonna escort Ned through the process of a long labor. -Women don’t usually talk about how painful their contractions were. Most women just, uh, sort of understand that they are painful. -Today, we are doing a little bit of labor pain simulation. We’re gonna use a physical therapy device. It’s an electric stimulation machine. KEITH: We don’t even have to be a doctor to buy one of these.
EUGENE: (sighs) KEITH: You can just buy ’em. -Sometimes that’s known as a TENS unit. ZACH: To be clear, we’re taking a machine used for rehabilitation and abusing it. -Yes, you are- (laughter) -and I support that. (nervously) Okay. (laughter) -A real contraction has to last one minute from start to finish. (fizzing) I-uh-oooookay. -It uses, uh, an electrical current. It causes the muscle to seize and spasm. NED: (yelling)
KEITH: Oh, that’s how I activate both. KEITH: And then, both off. NED: Okay, okay… Okay…AH! No, no, no, no! Too high! -You might vomit during the first stage of labor. NED: Huh? The pain is so bad that– NED: You vomit from pain? Yeah. -I only got it to level two. So… EUGENE: Wait, what does it go up to? -Ten. EUGENE: That was a two? -That was two. KEITH: And that’s not it, Ned because it’s not just about contractions you’re having contractions while you still have a big ol’ baby belly! ARIEL: I probably gained about 35 pounds. NED: Oh, this is already very heavy. God, damn it. -And, to make sure you know who is the “contraction-eer,” (read: person zapping NED) We also have this dumbass hat. Who the f*ck picked this hat out? -I did! -I’m beginning to regret this choice. NED: Stop it. KEITH: So…it starts. How does it…start? -It starts different for everybody. ARIEL: In early labor, I didn’t even know that I was in labor. I was doing yard work, like, chores. I thought that I was just uncomfortable uh, because I was a heavily pregnant woman. DR. BOHN: The first stage of labor, that’s divided into two parts, the slow stage and the fast stage. NED: Let’s talk about the slow stage. DR. BOHN: The slow stage. (Zach giggles) -So, I had a patient in the slow stage of labor for four days. Ned: Nooooo!
(Dr. Bohn laughs) ARIEL: They feel like period cramps. But, uh–of course, you guys wouldn’t know what that feels like. DR. BOHN: It doesn’t start out with, like, a “10” pain. It kind of starts on “1”. NED: (painfully) Ooh, okay… DR. BOHN: It goes up to like a “10”… NED: (more painful yelling covered up by laughing) NED: (groans) DR. BOHN: And then, it goes down. NED: Damn it. -Even in the beginning? -For a moment. -Even in the beginning? -Even in the beginning. ARIEL: I thought they were phantom contractions. I thought they were Braxton-Hicks. It was very clear that like pain… and then, it would go away for a little while and then pain, and then it would go away for a little while. And I was thinking to myself like, “This is–this is a contraction.” “Like, this is what people are describing as a contraction.” I–but, of course, I was four weeks early. So, I was thinking, “No way, absolutely not. This is not–I’m not in labor.” NED: There! And, now it’s done. Ah! That’s not so hard. DR. BOHN: That could be one in an hour, one in 20 minutes… ZACH: And, so there’s really no way to predict when it’s gonna happen. DR. BOHN: No. EUGENE: Especially when your friends are controlling the knobs on the–
NED: I don’t like where this is going. ZACH: To be accurate, you never know! DR. BOHN: L-let’s give him–Let’s be fair to him. Let’s give him an 8-hour early stage of labor… with contractions in the first few hours… about every 10 minutes. *Let the screaming montage commence.* ZACH: While Ned is emulating Ariel’s labor to find out what it was like for her going through it, the three of us are gonna take turns “playing Ned” and finding out what it was like for him being a husband on this crazy journey. EUGENE: Hey, honey, that looks good. NED: Hey, honey. Yeah, thank you. ARIEL: If your wife needs you to be there, you need to be there. EUGENE: Do you need help with that? NED: Uh, yeah, actually. Could you take this and– Damn it, Eugene. (Giggling in the background) ARIEL: I feel like, Ned and I had this understanding with the pregnant lady’s always right. NED: This is not what I did. You’re being an asshole right now. ARIEL: If I needed something, then Ned had to get it for me. NED: Can you pour me a cup of coffee, please? EUGENE: I don’t think pregnant women are supposed to have caffeine. NED: OH MY GOD.
(Laughter erupts in the background) NED: I am going to end you. I asked you guys to create a-a REALISTIC EXPERIENCE. This coffee is really, really good.
NED: Shut the f*ck up and go to your room! (sighs) This isn’t even the hard part. You have to, like, actually love me and stuff. ARIEL: You know, I’m growing a goddamn baby in my belly! -I thought this was more going through the steps of how to get pregnant Ned from point A to point B. EUGENE: Ned, where’s the sweater? -It’s in the bag! EUGENE: I don’t–you don’t–you need to be more specific. -IT’S IN–Oh, my god. -There was nothing about, like, I have to be nice to him during it. NED: Can you water the plants, please? EUGENE: Sure. NED: That’s–! Don’t–don’t take my water. -You might want to go on a walk with your partner. (stifled giggling)
NED: That’s nice. NED: That would be nice. Wouldn’t that be nice? KEITH: So romantic!
NED: That be nice! EUGENE: Oh…No.
(Zach and Keith snickering) EUGENE: You’re supposed to be relaxing.
NED: Don’t tell me to relax. Just do things that help me relax. DR. BOHN: You have to listen to your wife. Like, some–some might want to have that love. Like that love and kissing and holding a hand. Some people may not want anyone touching you. NED: So you guys have to listen to everything I say! -I feel like donuts. -Is there a donut place nearby here? -That’s not so far. It’s only 20 minutes. Don’t think about yourself. Think about what I need. Oh, thank goodness. EUGENE: I brought the donuts. NED: I’m not really that hungry anymore. You’re not that important right now. EUGENE: That’s okay that you don’t want to finish it. KEITH: Give him a little kiss. NED: Just on my cheek. -Oh, don’t! EUGENE: OH! YOU F*CKER! (Ned laughs) EUGENE: I’m done! This video’s done! (more laughing) It was fun for a while. It’s done! ARIEL: So, in the evenings, I just wanted to sort of lay around. EUGENE: This is one thing I do know how to do. NED: Me likey. -I’m Asian. ARIEL: I just want to sit in front of the TV, have my husband give me a massage. EUGENE: You have so many knots. NED: I know. I’m pregnant. (Keith snickers) Can you just hold me for a little bit? KEITH: It’s a good idea. EUGENE: I feel like what we’re watching is the exact opposite of what we’re doing. NED: Yeah, well, ’cause it’s me not Ariel. Ariel doesn’t watch things on her ph– (painful groaning)
(Eugene snickers) NED: Just–just spoon me. NED: I can’t believe you’re going to bed in a suit. DR. BOHN: Active labor is where the sh*t hits the fan. (Zach laughs) ZACH: I imagine at that point women don’t know if they’re going into labor or not. So, what do you recommend women do? -I always tell people the rule is 5-1-1. Contractions that are five minutes apart, one minute from start to finish, for at least an hour. ARIEL: So, I woke up at a about midnight. And, I was having what I thought were contractions. NED: (painful yelling) ZACH: So, how do you know you’ve entered active labor? -You just know. -Hi. I’m your active labor. ARIEL: And so, I grabbed my phone and I was googling the difference between real contractions and Braxton-Hicks contractions. NED: It says phantom contractions are phantom if you eat something. -Did Ariel’s contractions go away after eating? Great. NED: Oooooooooohhhh… ARIEL: And, so, I went and I woke up Ned. NED: Zach, I think I’m going into labor. ARIEL: And Ned literally wakes up out of, like, a very deep sleep and he goes, “Wh-What do you want me to do?” -Hi, beautiful wife! -Okay, no, let’s start over. Let’s do that again. -Am I–was I not good? I’m just trying to be “Ned”. NED: Don’t–This isn’t the time. – (gasps) Light of my life! NED: Really, really critical point in this story.
ZACH: Yeah, I feel like– NED: And I’m in a lot of pain right now. So, can you please just– ZACH: Oh, you’re so beautiful right now! NED: SHUT–(painful screaming) HAHAHAHA ZACH: Okay, Ned loves his wife, so he would want to document this moment! NED: NO! ZACH, NO! ZACH: Hi, honey!
NED: I NEED YOU TO PACK A BAG! ARIEL: I was not in terrible pain. (Ned screams) NED: TOO HARD, EUGENE. TOO HARD. ARIEL: We were completely calm. YOU ARE THE WORST! WHY ARE YOU DOING BITS!? ZACH: Breathing exercises. ZACH: Breathe.
NED: NO! (painful moaning) NED: PACK A BAG! PACK A BAG! ARIEL: We packed the hospital bag. ZACH: Alright, I got this, honey. I got this. ARIEL: Ned and I had no idea what to put in it. NED: Birth plan, lip balm, massage oil. NED: MAKE SURE YOU GET THE GOLDFISH! – Yup, I got ’em! You want me to walk the dog right now? Okay. Oh, boy. NED: Get the yoga ball. – Yoga ball? ARIEL: Neither of us were frantic. NED: DON’T YELL AT ME. ZACH: Oh, my god. ZACH: This is so exhausting. NED: Zach, stop that. Hold–! (painful yelling) NED: Okay, okay.
(snaps) Did you break it? He’s just…totally…incompetent. ZACH: Uh-huh!
(Ned groaning painfully) ZACH: I’m sorry that I was d*cking around. I’m here for you. Anything you need. NED: Thank you. NED: Does it look good now?
ZACH: I think we’re–Yeah, you look–you look f*cking fine. – Kay. ZACH: Did you wear pajamas to the hospital or did you change?
NED: No! NED: I changed and I shaved. I wanted to make a good impression for that baby. ZACH: (whispering) You want me to shave? Is this nose hair? NED: I think, yeah.
ZACH: Wow, can I use it? NED: Well, (loud buzzing) I’d rather not. – Are you sure it’s pee and not amniotic fluid?
NED: Yes, I’m sure it’s pee. NED: Also my belly’s so big I can’t see my dick anymore. ZACH: Hey, hon, while you do that I’m gonna settle the dog. Okay?
NED: Okay. Thank you. ZACH: And then, whatever the pain was earlier, during this stage, the pain is– DR. BOHN: Worse. – H-how much worse? – A lot worse. – So, like, “a lot” a lot? – “A lot” a lot. (screaming intensifies) ZACH: Come on, breathe! “Hee-hee-ho!” BOTH: “Hee-hee-hooooooo…” ZACH: I think that’s 5-1-1. Yeah? NED: Yeah. It’s 5-1-1. ZACH: All right, so Hospital Time. (fast-tempo music)
ZACH: Ok, alright. Here we go.
NED: Go, go, go! ZACH: You wait here. I’m gonna go get the car.
(Ned moaning painfully) ZACH: Okay. I got you. NED: I don’t need help putting on speed belt. ZACH: I’m this now. I’ll take this from you. You’re husband now!
KEITH: Alright! ZACH: Whoo, I love this hat! KEITH: How’re we doing, honey? NED: We’re doing okay. KEITH: You’re doing great, you’re doing great!
NED: Thank you. NED: You know how to get to the hospital? KEITH: Uh, I don’t know how to get to the hospital. ARIEL: You start out pretty low pain and then, it gets worse and worse and worse. KEITH: Look at all these children! Someday, our little one– NED: (painfully) Ooooowwwwwkay, pull over! KEITH: Well, okay, it’s a school zone! I can’t just pull over! (painful yelling intensifies)
KEITH: Oh god, okay! ARIEL: It got to the point where I had Ned pull over the car. NED: PULL OVER NOW!
KEITH: Okay, okay. NED: STOP, I SAY.
KEITH: You can’t pull the parking brake like that! KEITH: I almost killed that bicyclist. Sorry about that, sir. (Ned screaming even louder now) KEITH: Okay, Ned’s leaving. KEITH: Okay, bye, honey! EUGENE: You have to go with him. KEITH: Uh, well, I can’t go with him. I can’t get out of the car. ARIEL: Got to the hospital. Ned was more frantic than I was. “MY WIFE IS IN LABOOOOOR!” *fast tempo music* KEITH: Okay, honey.
NED: Ooookay. KEITH: Just right this way.
NED: Ooookay. KEITH: This way.
NED: Ooookay. ARIEL: And so, you know I walk in, the nurses are asking me all the questions. NED: Where do we go? KEITH: Hi, my wife is here. Uh, she’s going into labor. ARIEL: And, I stand up and I’ve just got blood, uh, streaming down my leg. NED: No, no, no! KEITH: Oh, god! She’s–she’s got blood all over her! ARIEL: This was like–like a gush. And, I look at Ned and his face is, like, white. NED: There’s blood everywhere!
KEITH: Is this normal? Is this normal? “Oh my god, I think she’s dying.” NED: I don’t know! I don’t know! – I guess my mucus plug had come out. KEITH: What a gross name! – I did not expect that much blood. Neither of us knew what to do. We sort of looked at each other like, “F*ck.” KEITH: Here we go, right this way. KEITH: This is great. This is it. Here we are. ARIEL: For a lot of women that this is sort of when their water breaks. NED: Now, We’re just- we’re waiting on the water to break…any minute. No? Nothing? ARIEL: And I feel like we were doing a lot of things to make that happen. We were sitting on the ball – KEITH: Bounce. NED: Bounce bounce. ARIEL: We were dancing, I made Ned turn on Ed Sheeran [Ed Sheeran – SHAPE OF YOU] KEITH: Just like this? NED: Yeah. KEITH: Oh wow. ARIEL: The contractions were getting su- were getting pretty painful. *Ned groaning* ARIEL: The pain was increasing, definitely. NED: Don’t – don’t – don’t touch me. KEITH: Okay. – You’re just exhausted. KEITH: I hate seeing him go through so much pain. I feel so useless. BOHN: It’s also terrifying for the husband, I’m gonna give you guys a little break, because it is terrifying to be with somebody who’s in a lot of pain. NED: That was the worst part. It’s like someone you love so much and then there’s just so much pain that they’re in. ARIEL: And so we waited another hour – *Ned groaning* – My water still hadn’t broken. NED: No! Please stop! – And we waited another hour – *Ned exhaling* – My water still hadn’t broken – *Ned groaning* KEITH:We’re gonna get our doctor in here, uh, to come in and break this water. NED: Good, finally. Ariel: Finally it gets to the point where I was like, “Just break the goddamn bag.” *Ned and Zach shouting* NED: My crotch is so wet, oh hoo, oh. KEITH: Wow, that was hilarious. And everything got so much more intense The electrodes across the lower abdominal region for across the back we’re going to intensify nothing Do you guys want to bring two machines for real? Yeah Wait, what? One machine only has eight electrodes. You already have eight electrodes on honey. Okay, if these plug into the wall Oh, yes how close you want him on your taint? Yes good answer Don’t put him on a testicle. Are there any dangers in doing this tonight? Are we gonna come on? Oh My god Help yeah, Keith. Yeah just remind me remind me to breathe the Nurses were saying let me know when you need to push and then remind me when the contraction is done I immediately was like I need advice now Sometimes Oh a little more slow and sustained then you may feel one region just kind of Dr. Joffe you can’t do it randomly like With my doctor told me to push it gave me something to do I know how to do that. I can do that. I can push let’s do this Maybe Rosen say, you know, it’s not it’s not pretty You had me pushed three times for every contraction You do it so good. Oh my poor hand and the whole room shifts again Was that the front of the back – that was just the front? So now we’re gonna have you push and we’re gonna add some that. Okay, so then I think you’re crowning The doctor says it’s time to push now, you’re not gonna heat he ho anymore you take a deep breath You hold your breath and you? Hold it for about ten seconds. It looks like you’re trying to poop that’s why people poop when they have a baby because we’re using the same muscle every poop you have is just practice for pretty much Okay, breathe I kind of forgot to breathe myself, I’m sorry, I didn’t do anything for you. Oh god, man. You’re good. You’re good You’re good if you have to The worst part is as the baby’s coming out that hurts like hell it’s called the Ring of Fire Have you heard of the Ring of Fire? final challenge Skin is stretching stretching stretching stretching and a burn So I was the only one who had it on my taint when we did this last time here and I only had two pads – What? any of us would be happy to lend sperm to your family I don’t know how to feel about that offer who’s would you want? Eugene’s And now we have the Ring of Fire which is circulating all of the important parts, so I’ve got four electrodes around my butthole where you’re vagina you would be Why are we doing this?! Why are we doing this?! And it is just, just sharp burning pain Worst pain I’ve ever felt At this point the whole room’s run into action and they take the bottom off of the bed and I put in stirrups We’re all here for the last push. We can get the baby out. They pull down this huge surgical light and There’s like a thousand people in the room. What do you need us all to do? I got your head doing someone help with your legs. Yeah, you guys have been really good husband’s throughout this process And and like I, I really want you guys to be a part of my actual baby’s life Every time that I would open my eyes even just a crack Ned was right there. Ned was next to me Ned was ready to hold my hand if I needed him Ned was ready to give me water if I needed it He was there for every single contraction. I’m just doing it for Ariel. Yep Baby ready For Ariel, I can’t remember the pain at this point. Yeah. I was in some like primal state It is a true experience like none other you can’t even imagine it till you go through it You’re so tired and you’re in so much pain, but your body is working for one thing The next push the baby just goes And I– we had a baby Like the minute that that baby is born and I put him on my chest like labor Labor, I never thought a person could love an avocado as much there’s nothing else You don’t think about the labor you don’t think about the pregnancy You don’t think about how hard it was or how painful it’s just It’s just love You’re gonna be a great dad You’re great mama And then we’re not done cuz you have to deliver the plasenta! Then we have to mash on your stomach and make sure you don’t hemorrhage It’s kind like what cats do when they’re about the way down. Yeah. Yeah. I really underestimated how hard it is to watch someone you love in pain As a guy I’m never gonna be able to actually understand what it’s like to give birth I Get it a little more now. It’s it’s such an awesome beautiful thing Some people can have contractions and really feel very little I mean like that’s the thing about labor It’s just so unpredictable from the minute you’re pregnant till you give birth until they move out of your house at 18 It’s it’s a process I hear my baby – I gotta go. -Yeah -It’s like your bat signal Can I get a ten piece that I got a 10 piece show, huh get swingy pay one dollar more you get 10 more nuggets Let’s get 20 you guys once longer give 40 dozen 20. I’m sorry about that. We’re ready now