I’m just saying, we could shave off 15% if we just move manufacturing to Honduras. Then do it. Why are we even talking? Because you still haven’t signed mom’s birthday card. [sighs] Oh, there he is. What’s up, Ashley? [Menacingly] Shane. [Normal voice] H.R. says I’m moving to a bigger desk. Well, that’s true, because in its own special way, the sidewalk is the biggest desk of all. You’re so–what? You’re fired. and re-hired. Peekabooski. [Sighs] Law here. Can’t wait to frag some newb skillets. [Laughter] Who’s this dickhead? This is New Law. His demos are through the roof. Girls can’t get enough of his toothpaste smile, and guys are busting a nut over his sweet skills. You can’t– No, no, I bust the nuts. I’m the law. It’s my name. It’s my I.P.! All of which you signed over to Napalm Energy Corporation. including your butt, which no one asked you to do, So you can have that back. You signed your butt over to them? No wonder girls don’t respond to his brand. [Laughter] We’re gonna need you to be out of the office by lunch, Laurence. Ash, about mom’s birthday card… Oh, oh, oh. it’s your mother’s birthday? Oh, what a special day. Mrs. Barnstormer is an inspiration to this whole company. Don’t mind if I do. [snaps fingers] Yow! Oh! My WASDs! Whoops. Oh, my bad. Sorry about that. [shrieking] Well, good-bye. [shrieking] That guy is classic. [shrieking] [Rock music] ♪ Don’t want to hear ♪ ♪ About how the real worlds ♪ ♪ the place for me ♪ ♪ There’s nothing out there ♪ ♪ won’t look better ♪ ♪ on a TV screen ♪ ♪ There’s a better way ♪ ♪ I don’t care what you say ♪ ♪ I just want to play ♪ ♪ We all just want to play ♪ ♪ Things will be all right ♪ ♪ Soon as I get back to school ♪ ♪ ♪ Once the E.R. guy said Clutch’s big toe was okay, We rushed right back to the school, but… I was driving too fast. Ted, you should have been more careful. I know. It’s just– My phone had died, and you didn’t know where I was, and… I didn’t want to ruin your prom. I’m just happy you’re okay. You are… Okay, right? It’s been a rough couple of weeks, Ki. But you know what? This’ll give me time to think. It’s so unfair that they’re keeping you here. It’s only three weeks detention, Kiwi. Time’s up. go win that election, babe. I’ll miss having lunch with you. [sighs] [Handsome as Sin – Tell Me How You Died] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I’m the breathing’ ♪ ♪ on the other line ♪ ♪ The hate causin’ pain ♪ ♪ from another time ♪ ♪ I’m the barrel ♪ ♪ and the shotgun spray ♪ ♪ I’m the son of a bitch ♪ ♪ Who took your daddy away ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Tuck your head down ♪ ♪ ’cause I’m comin’ your way ♪ ♪ and I can guarantee ♪ ♪ You don’t want me to stay ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I’m the white hairs ♪ ♪ in the old man’s beard ♪ ♪ the news in the paper ♪ ♪ that you don’t want to hear ♪ ♪ I’m the aching ♪ ♪ in the young man’s brain ♪ ♪ The smell of the lover ♪ ♪ that drove you insane ♪ ♪ I’m a glass house ♪ ♪ throwin’ all my stones ♪ ♪ The fears you can feel ♪ ♪ All the way in your bones ♪ ♪ I’m a barrel ♪ ♪ and the shotgun blast ♪ ♪ I’m a kick in your back ♪ ♪ knockin’ you on your ass ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ ♪ tuck your head down ♪ ♪ ’cause I’m coming your way ♪ [Cheers and applause] ♪ tuck your head down ♪ ♪ ’cause I’m coming your way ♪ ♪ and I can guarantee ♪ ♪ ♪ [Cheers and applause] [Cheers and applause] ♪ tuck your head down ♪ ♪ ’cause I’m coming your way ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ and I can guarantee ♪ ♪ You don’t want me to stay ♪ ♪ tuck your head down ♪ ♪ ’cause I’m coming your way ♪ ♪ and I can guarantee ♪ ♪ You don’t want me to stay ♪ You got shanked, brother. Aw, man. Ted Wong, it’s time. One pair of sunglasses, black. One mechanical pencil, .5 millimeter. Three sticks of bubble gum, winter fresh. I remember having four. [Gum pops] One jewel-encrusted Tomowachi, engraving… “To Josh, happy 8th birthday, Love mom.” It’s dead. [gasps] Oh, crap! Oh! Aah! Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap. Ah, jeez. You’re feeding him, right, and teaching him new tricks, and cleaning his poop? You got to clean his poop, Ted. Uh-huh. He’s fine. He’s just sleeping right now. He’s sleeping? It’s noon. What did you do to him? Hmm? Show him to me. He’s in my room, and you will get to see him when your team votes for Ki. Oh, no, Ted. My guys don’t vote until I know He’s okay. You got that? Yes, fine. I’ll send you a picture. He better be smiling, ted. He better be smiling! Ladies and gentlemen, Pwners and Zwners, today is The day– Napalm versus VGHS. Two incredible teams, two incredible captains, but only one will go on to the fps championship. Let’s talk jenny matrix. She’s still a sophomore. This is her first year on varsity, and this is the biggest game of her career. Can she handle the pressure? According to my readouts… No. There you have it. He’s here. Jacques Letoure and his scout are coming to the game. What? Wait. Why? Why? To see you play, and they want to meet you after the game. Word on the street is they’re losing their backup sniper. Okay, so this–this is– this is real. Mm-hmm, Ashley’s the only other player they’re looking at. You kick his ass, and you will be packing your bags, because you will be going to Paris. Hey, it’s a really, really good thing. Get your war face on. Mom… I have to tell Brian. [sighs] and I don’t–I don’t even know what to say. You still want this, right? Yeah, more than anything. Then you tell him that, and you hope that he understands. Yeah. Hey, hey, guys. [Laughter] Oh-ho, what is that? Dude. Hey, guys. Jenny, hey. We’re just– Yeah, sorry to interrupt. Hey, I was just, um… I was wondering, do you want to come over for dinner tonight? I’ll cook. You’ll cook? Mm-hmm. okay. Okay, great. So I’ll see you tonight after the game. Yeah. Uh… is everything okay? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, definitely. I just wanted to talk to you, Just you and me, talking, you know, just you and me. it’s nothing. Um… [Clears throat] I’m gonna go vote before the game. okay. Oh, my god! That’s so cute! What? do we need to draw you a map? A map? To where? To sex town, Brian. ’cause that’s where you’re headed, and when you get there, you’re having sex with jenny. Mm-hmm. What? No, stop being weird. think about it, dude. She wants to cook you dinner tonight after the big game. Just the two of you. She cook you a lot of dinners, Brian? I mean, she burned us popcorn once, and then we made out afterwards. Oh, my god. That was just popcorn, dude. Tonight you get the full course. Uh-huh. You’re getting dessert. Boom! Ah-roo-gah! Honk-honk! Yeah! You the man! You’re the man, Brian! [All shouting lewdly] Oh, yeah! The guy’s a king. [Dial-up connections whirring] That’s three more votes from the puzzle gamers. Yes. [whispering] uh, Ki, can I talk to you for a second? Hi. You’re back. Hi. Um… So, about the M.M.O. guild… there’s news on the M.M.O. guild? Do we have it confirmed? Will they hold? What? did we get their votes? Duh. Just talked to josh. Everything’s gonna be fine. [Applause] Everyone, we can do this. [All cheering] You’re the best, ted. This is a one-round game of hostage rescue. The first team to extract their hostage to the helipad wins. Captains, have you picked your hostages? Jumpin’ Jax. Ashley barnstormer. This guy. Game starts in 60 seconds. Let’s get it crackin’. All right, bring it in. [Claps hands] All right, this is the real deal, kids. This is your moment. If you win this game, you will have sex with my daughter. Get Jax on that helicopter, and we are going to the championship. Now, go out there and make me proud. Go! Brian… You seem distracted. Did Jenny talk to you? Oh, about… About what’s going to happen After the game? Oh. Um… Okay, I know this is awkward because I’m her mom, and whatever happens between you two is between you two. But I can’t have it affecting your game out there. No, no, it won’t. Really? Because you look pretty frazzled Right now. Okay, fine. Um… I’m sort of freaking out just a little bit, because, like, you know, it’s a big change in our relationship. Well, change is coming, Brian, whether you want it to or not. and it’s gonna hurt. It is? Yeah, it hurts. but jenny has dreamed about this her entire life, so don’t ruin it for her. Okay, you go out there, and you do your job. Let’s do it. [Rapid gunfire] Brian d. is falling apart out there. Give that boy some crazy glue. [Gunshot] Oh, come on, Brian. Man, your team kind of sucks, Especially Brian. Well, good thing you won’t have to play with them when you’re in Paris this summer. [sighs] look, I get it. You put yourself in here to screw with me. It’s not gonna work. Jenny, you got me all wrong. I’m just lazy. Besides, the law has got this in the bag. You remember the law, don’t you? [Telephone ringing] [Chirpy indistinct speech] But I thought we had a deal. [Chirpy indistinct speech] Okay. I understand. Everyone… I just got word that the RPG team voted for Shane. damn it! I thought we had it! walk it off, Sebastian. I thought we had it. Okay, so we’re gonna tear down this wall for the shark tank, and I’m thinking that the zen garden can go right about here. Oh, hey, guys. don’t mind us. What are you doing here Shane? Oh, I’m just getting a head start on some of my presidential duties. This is gonna be my office. This is our classroom. Oh, don’t worry. it turns out there’s an even grosser, smellier basement underneath this basement. It’s all yours. [clears throat] Um, Shane, you can’t do this. This isn’t how it works. Oh, man, no grape pop? Actually, they’ve got grape down at the student center. That’s all the way across campus! [Sighs] today blows. Call my driver. Make sure it’s Steven. It should always be Steven. [chuckles] Mm, yeah. O’doyle, you have yoga in the mornings, right? Well, yoga’s hard work. I bet you wish you could have some super sour straws on your way back. Oi, they’re my favorite candy, but you can only get them– In that vending machine next to the weird mural in the parking lot– Too long a walk between classes. What if I told you we could put them here in the vending machine next to Mr. Wong’s classroom. I would say you’re speaking my language, Ki Swan. You could move gummy worms closer to the parkour funasium. I could finally have chocolate raisins on the way to celebrity Pokermon. go out and talk to every voter you can. Find out what favorite soda, What favorite candy, favorite treat they normally don’t have time to get on their way to class, and you tell them that Ki swan personally promises that the snacks they want will be in the vending machines they need them to be in, to get the snacks that they normally don’t have time to get, but want! Polls close in five hours. Let’s get to work, people. [exhales deeply] Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick. It’s just a Tomowachi. I have the cutest Tomowachi at home named hank. This freaks me out! Ki needs these votes. All right? And I need your help, So let’s go. Clutch, get the camera. D.K., help me with the body. Theodore, stealing Joshua’s virtual pet and threatening to kill it, that’s one thing. that’s cool. But to actually kill it and pretend it’s alive? That messed up. You want to talk messed up to the guy who’s been in detention for over three weeks? Now, help me with the body and teach me Photoshop. ’tis a dark road upon which you drift, Ted. You go where we cannot follow. You’re a monster. Fine. I don’t even need your stinkin’ help anyway. I thought we were bros! Oh, my gosh. get me out of here. I want to play! Ugh! Stupid. Hey, frag out! Aah! [Whimpers] [sighs] Jenny, your boyfriend’s having some real performance issues. Brian, get it together. Dude, what is your deal? I can’t–can’t focus. Coach pretty much confirmed that Jenny and I are doing it tonight. What? How is that a problem? [groans] I don’t know, man. I’m really nervous about it. Brian, you are literally living every 16-year-old boy’s dream right now. You go to a Video Game High School. Your smoking-hot girlfriend wants to have sex with you. And for some reason, her mom is cool with it. You’re right. That is pretty awesome. Yeah, it’s pretty damn awesome. Now, do you want it or not? I want it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Aah! Aah! Yowza! I don’t know what’s got into Brian d, but Scotty wants some of that in pill form. [Electronic music] ♪ ♪ [Telephone rings] [Telephone rings] ♪ ♪ [whispering indistinctly] ♪ boop-a-doop-a-doo ♪ ♪ boo-doo-boo ♪ Bored, bored, bored. Oh, yeah. [Laughs] Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah! We’re going home. okay. [Screaming] Yo, Brian… I love that pump. I think I’m starting to get you, Jacks. GG, Barnstormer. Yeah. No. [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ Dude, we got to jump another fence. and this is it. Brian D and Jacks are making a run. My god, VGHS could actually win this thing. ♪ ♪ Who could have expected this outcome? Brian D is going all the way! ♪ ♪ [Crowd groans] No! aah! aah! aah! Whoopsies. Did law do that? [Trilling tongue] Well, this machine’s full, so how about the protein bars go here and the smoothies stay where they are? I don’t know. That’s a pretty far walk from the puzzle-gaming room, but… [Horns honking] behold, VGHS. Vending machines for every team. A vending machine on every corner. Vending machines– just take one and vote for me. We got snacks. We got bevs. We got whatever you want. Go on in there. Can we get the smoothie machine? Sure thing, bros. Vote for Shane. Oh, hey, Ki. Thanks for the idea. How did you– Rich. Well, you can’t just– Ki, rich. There’s no clever solution here. I’m gonna get what I want. and what do you want, Shane? Because I want to help the students. And the students wanted snacks or whatever. Isn’t that the whole point? Didn’t I do it better than you? So what’s the problem here? You don’t care. I care. The world doesn’t care that you care. Where do you want these, boss? Don’t care. I did everything right. It shouldn’t work like this. Life’s not a game. Things don’t always work out like they should. There’s no great programmer in the sky. That’s stupid. People just say that when they can’t figure out how to solve a problem. Life makes sense. You just have to… figure it out. The polls are closed, Ki. There’s nothing more to figure out. Why don’t you come back to H.Q. and wait with the rest of the team? [Sighs] You would have made a fine President, Ki swan. And that’s something. [sighs] [whistling cheerfully] Hmm. ♪ going to the bathroom ♪ ♪ gonna make some pee ♪ All right, we need to lock this base down. You three, out front. Brian and I will guard the hostage. go. [Sighs] [Sighs] Hey. Don’t worry. We got this. and then tonight we’ll celebrate. I can’t even think about tonight right now. Wait. is that what’s bothering you? ’cause we can wait to have dinner. I mean, I want to have dinner, but, like, if it’s stressing you out, I can wait for dinner. Brian, we can still have dinner. No. of course we can have dinner. I’m saying… we don’t have to have sex afterwards. What? You know… The sex? The team told me that having dinner means… Even your mom said– Oh, my god, no. No, Brian, I just wanted to talk to you tonight about… can we just do this later? Holy balls, he doesn’t know. Hey, Brian, guess what. shut up! How could you not tell him? He’s your boyfriend. That’s cold, even for you, Jenny. Tell me what? That if you win this match, she moves to Paris. Paris? No, that’s not even true. It’s not? well, all right, kind of, but– What does “kind of” mean, Jenny? can we please talk about this Later? Fine. Brian, my boy, in my experience, long-distance relationships just don’t work out. Ashley, shut up! Jenny, are you going to Paris or not? I knew I put myself in here for a reason. So, at dinner tonight, you’re breaking up with me? Brian… five seconds, Jenny. [Gunfire] Aah! [groans] [crowd cheering] It all comes down to Jenny Matrix. Can she handle the pressure? [Crowd chanting “VGHS”] [Helicopter blades thrumming] [Dramatic music] ♪ ♪ [Gunshot] Brian. Brian, wait. Look, I should have told you, Okay? How long, Jenny? How long have you known that you’re leaving? God, I’m such an idiot. No, you’re not. This whole month, I’ve thought that everything was great between us. Dinner tonight, I actually– god, of course not, ’cause you care about this Way more. and you know what? That’s fine. No, that is not fair, okay? I am not gonna let you make me Feel bad about this. Yes, Jenny, we’ve got that, loud and clear, thank you. screw you, Brian. I have wanted this my entire life, and I love you, and it’s been killing me. well, then let me make it easy for you, okay? We’re done. Lovers’ quarrel, huh? That’s tough. Oh! Ugh! Jenny! And the final tally is Shane pizza, with 126 votes, and Ki swan, with 128. [Cheering] Yes, kiwi! Oh, I’m so proud of you. Congrats. President Ki swan, everyone. [Applause] Congrats, Ki. Thank you. Now, ted… Give me back my Tomowachi. You know what? Hey, josh, I don’t– I don’t have it on me today. What’s he talking about, ted? nothing. Josh, let’s talk about this tomorrow. Stop stalling, ted. You got our votes. Now, where is he? That’s him. He’s in your backpack. Why won’t you give him to me? What happened to him, ted? Nothing. Is that my Tomowachi in there? Is that my Tomowachi in there? [Ominous music] ♪ ♪ Oh. No. Oh, my god, no! Oh, my god. No. [Whimpering] You are a liar and a murderer. and I hope you totally choke on barf. Come on, Joshy. Okay, come on. Come on, it’s okay. Come on. All right, come on. Okay, okay, come on, come on. What? We were going to lose, All right? They were being jerks. I didn’t mean for it to die. Look, Ki… I’m sorry, okay? But you’re president now. That’s a good thing, right? Right? It’s just a freakin’ virtual pet. He’ll get over it. Ki, you didn’t know. This isn’t your fault. You deserve to win. I cheated. I stuffed the ballot boxes. I’m sorry. Oh! You just bought yourself another week’s detention, dillweed. Get out of here! Sorry, dad. [slurping] [Knock at door] [sighs] Ki left school. She’s gone.